To be annoyed with DD21

[Riverz]

DD21 lives at home. She went out today to meet some friends. She works shifts and was out late Saturday night because of it, got up Sunday early and drove 60 miles down the motorway. So she’s had only a few hours sleep

It’s 3.30am and she’s not home yet, still with her friends but not staying over with them she’s sitting in her car in a car park talking. I asked when she would be home and that it’s not safe to drive tired. she said she was fine she had drunk an energy drink!

I think it’s irresponsible tbh and I know she’s 21 but I’ve had trouble getting to sleep over it from worry. She has a 1.5 hour drive home yet on no sleep?

I checked she was safe she said she was. Just not tired and not coming home yet

I once got caught out unexpectedly overwhelmingly tired driving and it was quite scary I had to pull over and sleep in the car (she isn’t doing that)

Yes thanks for summarising what I already said. 😂

Just read update but I still think you should stop tracking her, consent or not.

Why does DD 'need' to delete the tracker on her phone? Because Mumsnet says so?

OP has already said her DD is happy to have the family tracker on her phone, and they seem to generally have a good relationship, so all of the 'she secretly hates you' responses are clearly untrue and only indicative of whatever issues those particular MNetters have going on in their own lives.

You've had some really shitty replies OP. It's only natural to worry as a parent, no matter how old they are. At 21 I wasn't very worldly, and got myself into some situations that could have turned out badly because of that. I certainly wouldn't have fully comprehended the dangers of driving on no sleep/sleeping in a public car park. There's a big difference between giving advice and being controlling.

Why does DD 'need' to delete the tracker on her phone? Because Mumsnet says so?
OP has already said her DD is happy to have the family tracker on her phone,

I think step dad having it for emergencies or anyone else would be fine if DD1 is okay with that - but OP clearly can't handle the tempation to check up and it's feeding her anxierty adversely affecting her well being. OP ended up not sleeping due to worry and ended up being the one driving tried and risking her and others health on the road.

Op DD now knows hotel rooms an option - so she's sorted - it's the OP future behavior that needs addressing. The easiest way to addess that for the OP is to not feeding her axiety with information she has no need to have access to - ie delete/disable her ablity to track and thus feed her anxiety.

She is obvioulsy free to do as she pleases as is her DD - but knowing she struggles with not checking up and then being powerless to influence her grown DD behavior from a distance and then all worry she expressed on here - I personally think this is a modern tool that is just feeding OP anxiety and is unhelpful for her.

This is completely bonkers. My 22yr old lived away from home for 4 years of uni and now lives and works in Spain. I wouldn’t dream of tracking their movements. I doubt they would be so independent and full of adventure had I been watching them constantly 😳

I am glad this all worked out and you have some idea what she was up to. Parents are bound to worry when their young people are behaving unusually or out of character. While living at home I will expect my son to let me know if he is going to be out particularly late or not homing home. That's just courtesy - he would expect the same from me!

I do track him and have done since he had an iphone. Initially it was so I knew where he was when he was out with friends and he was happy because it saved him having to update me. This has carried on through college and again while some days DS would let me know when he was going to be home, other times he would forget and I could see if he was on the bus yet or not. He wanted his tea cooking so again he was happy to be tracked! Without the tracking I would have expected him to let me know one way or the other if he wanted tea and to update me if plans changed. If he didn't there would have been no tea.

Now he is at Uni and I know it would not be healthy to track him constantly and I have no urge to do so. I certainly don't want to police his every move. Occasionally I will look, usually if I am expecting a call and wondering if he is home. I have also checked when I know he is doing something unusual like when he went to France in the summer it was fun to look and think 'oh he is in Paris'.

His dad (we are divorced) sometimes looks where DS is just out of curiosity and sometimes to see if he is home with me or still at Uni. My son can be rubbish at responding to messages from his dad and is much more inclined to keep in touch with me but that is because he has always lived with me and inevitibely we are closer.

My son can track us too. He will sometimes look where his Dad is, especially if he is waiting for him to pick him up as his Dad isn't very punctual! Find my iphone has also been useful when both me and DS have lost our phones too as the other one could track and find it.

It's a useful tool and mostly saves any worry but I can see why you were worried last night and I don't think you did anything wrong but then neither did your daughter. She responded to your message at 2am and said she was fine and wouldn't be back yet. That was all she needed to do - although it might have been nice if she'd text you sooner so you wouldn't even have looked at the tracking and might not have worried at all. I think it's fair enough for adults living in the same house to let each other know their plans and if they are coming home or not.

@Riverz people on mumsnet are so mean! You've been self-aware right from the beginning, yet people feel the need to keep slamming you down?

Just to say I have a 21 year old daughter and I understand your panic. She removed me from 'find my iphone' about 6 months ago because her housemates are all on Life 360. At least that's what she told me! It threw me a bit at first, but I knew it was a good thing and I've got used to it - it's actually a bit of a relief now to be honest...

You all follow each other? Blimey.

I am not sure it’s weird to follow your kids and mum it can be useful. I have obviously taken it a bit far on this occasion which I acknowledge

We joined Apple family when they were 11/12 and they were getting the bus home from school. Rather than them texting or calling ‘I got home’ I would just check in on them while I was at work. It sort of just was an easy quick check. Sometimes they would miss the bus and need a lift so I could easily see where they were to go pick them up. They used to run out of data so I could see their last known location and meet them there

They often text me saying oh you at the gym can you get something from the shop on the way home so I know they look at me on the map, I assume so they can run around doing a mad clear up before I get home…

She knows she can delete me off it but she hasn’t

She’s probably in someone else’s car. You’re going to have to leave her to it and stop nagging her because she’s not going to listen. Pretend she lives away from home.