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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DD21

135 replies

Riverz · 15/12/2025 03:38

DD21 lives at home. She went out today to meet some friends. She works shifts and was out late Saturday night because of it, got up Sunday early and drove 60 miles down the motorway. So she’s had only a few hours sleep

It’s 3.30am and she’s not home yet, still with her friends but not staying over with them she’s sitting in her car in a car park talking. I asked when she would be home and that it’s not safe to drive tired. she said she was fine she had drunk an energy drink!

I think it’s irresponsible tbh and I know she’s 21 but I’ve had trouble getting to sleep over it from worry. She has a 1.5 hour drive home yet on no sleep?

I checked she was safe she said she was. Just not tired and not coming home yet

I once got caught out unexpectedly overwhelmingly tired driving and it was quite scary I had to pull over and sleep in the car (she isn’t doing that)

OP posts:
Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:16

I’ve had therapy, usually day to day I am fine. This really triggered me and left me with a lot of things to work through. It’s not DD’s fault it triggered me and it’s for me to deal with not her. You also can’t always control what or when you get triggered it can happen.

It was out of character for her, with new friends I don’t know and yes I thought it was a weird thing to do as it’s really cold out and she usually likes her bed and being warm. She doesn’t do things like this. Not sure if it’s outing but the place she was located was basically next door to a hospital. So I woke up and realised she wasn’t home, checked my phone saw she was next to a hospital. She eventually replied said she was in a car park with friends (unrelated to the hospital). I was confused why other 21yo friends did not have anywhere ‘indoors’ to hang out mid December so why were they sitting in DD’s car for hours? She had a coat on but not dressed for sleeping in a car all night. She has money so could get a hotel

She is home now but I have not seen her as I’m at work. I was the one who ended up driving on no sleep.

My DH is very level headed and even he said he could see why I was confused by her weird decisions.. but that she was an adult to make her own decisions.

OP posts:
vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:17

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:09

Then you need to get help for yourself (if you haven't already). A good therapist will help you deal with this trauma and the associated panic and worry that it is causing. Because all you are doing is transferring this to your child which, whilst understandable, is not fair on her at all.

Also, you need to stop associating tracking her with her "being safe". A mobile phones location tells you absolutely nothing apart from where the device is. It doesn't tell you who your daughter is with, what she's doing, what mood she is in, whether she is drunk / taking drugs / sat having a coffee with a friend. It definitely can't tell you whether she is safe or not. She could have been doing absolutely anything in those hours where you could see where she (vaguely) was. You had no more clue than if you didn't track her.

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Exactly!

Tracking a phone only shows you the phone. It has nothing to do with the safety of the owner nor does it show you their location. All this tracking just feeds people’s anxieties and also gives them a false sense of security.

It really disturbs me that it’s all become so normalised - maybe the next step will be live tracking devices under the skin? 🫣

FrenchandSaunders · 15/12/2025 10:18

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. For some reason things always seem much worse in the middle of the night ... the amount of times I've been lying in bed, convinced that DD is in a ditch somewhere. Seems ludicrous in the morning.

Condensationon · 15/12/2025 10:18

The car park by the chippy in the local seaside town used to be THE place to hang out when I was a teen 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

im so glad my Mother couldn’t track me.

my kids are very early 20s to late 20s early 30s and I wouldn’t dream of tracking them - not even the youngest, who is a girl.

can you stop tracking her and just go to bed when she’s out?

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:23

You know what, if it had been in a McD car park I prob wouldn’t have got as confused as I did. It’s a town she’s never been to and was next to a hospital!

I did go to bed, I woke up at 2am and she wasn’t home. Then I struggled to go back to sleep. I even tried listening to asmr stuff. I feel very grim today

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:25

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking about these new friends get your husband to casually mention them, I might be car meet or something but I do think hanging about in cars all night is unusual.

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:27

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:16

I’ve had therapy, usually day to day I am fine. This really triggered me and left me with a lot of things to work through. It’s not DD’s fault it triggered me and it’s for me to deal with not her. You also can’t always control what or when you get triggered it can happen.

It was out of character for her, with new friends I don’t know and yes I thought it was a weird thing to do as it’s really cold out and she usually likes her bed and being warm. She doesn’t do things like this. Not sure if it’s outing but the place she was located was basically next door to a hospital. So I woke up and realised she wasn’t home, checked my phone saw she was next to a hospital. She eventually replied said she was in a car park with friends (unrelated to the hospital). I was confused why other 21yo friends did not have anywhere ‘indoors’ to hang out mid December so why were they sitting in DD’s car for hours? She had a coat on but not dressed for sleeping in a car all night. She has money so could get a hotel

She is home now but I have not seen her as I’m at work. I was the one who ended up driving on no sleep.

My DH is very level headed and even he said he could see why I was confused by her weird decisions.. but that she was an adult to make her own decisions.

I’ve had therapy, usually day to day I am fine.

Kindly, I really don't think you are. In your earlier post you said you "often" track her to make sure she has driven safely to wherever she is going. That really isn't normal @Riverz .

I promise you would feel so much better and have far less anxiety if you just delete the bloody tracker and let her live her life. You can't monitor and control her actions through adulthood.

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:27

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:23

You know what, if it had been in a McD car park I prob wouldn’t have got as confused as I did. It’s a town she’s never been to and was next to a hospital!

I did go to bed, I woke up at 2am and she wasn’t home. Then I struggled to go back to sleep. I even tried listening to asmr stuff. I feel very grim today

I don't want to start making up scenarios but maybe one of the friends was in A&E and they were waiting on them, she probably wouldn't want you knowing.

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:27

Yeah I mean she complains about our converted garage room being cold and that has a radiator in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:28

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:27

I don't want to start making up scenarios but maybe one of the friends was in A&E and they were waiting on them, she probably wouldn't want you knowing.

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DH said this as well. I suppose I won’t know!

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:28

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:27

I don't want to start making up scenarios but maybe one of the friends was in A&E and they were waiting on them, she probably wouldn't want you knowing.

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Agree and there could be a million other reasons why she was there!!!

This is why tracking is so unhealthy and dangerous.

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:30

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:27

Yeah I mean she complains about our converted garage room being cold and that has a radiator in it.

So what!!! She's 21! They will do stuff to fit in. God I used to act completely out of character at times but it's all part of the growing up / transition into adulthood.

Or she might have met a lad and been sat in his car talking all night like we all did in those first flushes of young love!

She's hardly going to say to him she needs to get home to her hot water bottle and heated blanket 🙈

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:31

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:28

Agree and there could be a million other reasons why she was there!!!

This is why tracking is so unhealthy and dangerous.

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I agree with you tracking isn't healthy for adults i understand location sharing has it's advantages but looking at it constantly isn't offering any reassurance.

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:34

You guys do understand and comprehend that I am not arguing back with you about the tracking? That I am not asking whether it’s good/bad/right/wrong. And that I have not argued back with one single person about the benefits of it or that I disagree with what you say about it being bad? Is this my thread now just lemmings saying the same thing over and over who don’t read my posts

OP posts:
Condensationon · 15/12/2025 10:36

I do get it. I used to have to ring my mum when I got where I was going and ring her when I was leaving - but that was when I was 17. At 21 she had no idea.

Isayitasitis · 15/12/2025 10:37

Jesus cut the apron strings woman!

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:39

Condensationon · 15/12/2025 10:18

The car park by the chippy in the local seaside town used to be THE place to hang out when I was a teen 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

im so glad my Mother couldn’t track me.

my kids are very early 20s to late 20s early 30s and I wouldn’t dream of tracking them - not even the youngest, who is a girl.

can you stop tracking her and just go to bed when she’s out?

Your children aren't really the age where tracking has become a thing though. Like i stated, my eldest teen asked me a couple of years ago, not the other way around, he was in sixth form att. It depends on your 21 year olds I suppose but if I saw my late teen in a car park all night on a weekend night I would wonder wtf he was doing as none of his friends own cars, we live in a city so no big retail park style car parks nearby, he normally goes to the pub or house party, girlfriends, it would be completely out of character, if I saw he was at a car park at a hospital then I would be worried enough to ask him if all was ok. At 21 I would think that's very strange as you are not exactly at the rebel youth stage, why would a bunch of early 20 year olds be in a car park. Of course, none of this matters if you don't live with your parents but to gas light the OP into thinkjng she has some pathological problem for wondering about this specific context, is completely out of line, especially using her early experiences to make her believe they are related.

Brefugee · 15/12/2025 10:42

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:56

Exactly. Most of the posters on here managed to make it to adulthood without being tracked 24/7. I’m not sure why society thinks this kind of behaviour is okay but it makes me feel incredibly sorry for young people.

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to be fair to the anxious or worried parents: those whose daughters didn't make it to early adulthood won't be posting here on this thread.

it is good that OP (and at least one other pp) recognise that their anxiety is for them to manage.

(as for "tracking won't save them" - well, no but at least the police will know where to start looking)

Condensationon · 15/12/2025 10:42

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:39

Your children aren't really the age where tracking has become a thing though. Like i stated, my eldest teen asked me a couple of years ago, not the other way around, he was in sixth form att. It depends on your 21 year olds I suppose but if I saw my late teen in a car park all night on a weekend night I would wonder wtf he was doing as none of his friends own cars, we live in a city so no big retail park style car parks nearby, he normally goes to the pub or house party, girlfriends, it would be completely out of character, if I saw he was at a car park at a hospital then I would be worried enough to ask him if all was ok. At 21 I would think that's very strange as you are not exactly at the rebel youth stage, why would a bunch of early 20 year olds be in a car park. Of course, none of this matters if you don't live with your parents but to gas light the OP into thinkjng she has some pathological problem for wondering about this specific context, is completely out of line, especially using her early experiences to make her believe they are related.

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Tracking was definitely a thing. One of their mates was tracked and that continued at uni.

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:43

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:30

So what!!! She's 21! They will do stuff to fit in. God I used to act completely out of character at times but it's all part of the growing up / transition into adulthood.

Or she might have met a lad and been sat in his car talking all night like we all did in those first flushes of young love!

She's hardly going to say to him she needs to get home to her hot water bottle and heated blanket 🙈

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You seriously sat in a car all night at 21 with your boyfriend surely that's what sixth formers did as they had nowhere to go and not for six hours more like a couple?

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:44

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:43

You seriously sat in a car all night at 21 with your boyfriend surely that's what sixth formers did as they had nowhere to go and not for six hours more like a couple?

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Yep - I did all sorts of weird shit at 21. Normally because the pubs were shut and nobody wanted to walk or drive home.

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:44

Condensationon · 15/12/2025 10:42

Tracking was definitely a thing. One of their mates was tracked and that continued at uni.

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So ten years ago, 8 or so and a bit less? Yes, it was available but it wasn't the norm in 2015.

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:45

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:44

Yep - I did all sorts of weird shit at 21. Normally because the pubs were shut and nobody wanted to walk or drive home.

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It depends where you lived I suppose but sounds tough.

Condensationon · 15/12/2025 10:47

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:44

So ten years ago, 8 or so and a bit less? Yes, it was available but it wasn't the norm in 2015.

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Loads of their mates were tracked. Especially those of my youngest.

I was just told no by mine and that was an end of it.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 15/12/2025 10:49

I think for your sake you should stop tracking her even if she allows it.

It's not keeping her safe - that's magic thinking - but it is causing your anxiety to spike adversley affecting your health.

Personally I'd have though she'd be better off getting a cheap hotel room for the night - and yes I agree driving tried is very dangerous had a work college who did shift straight off 18-25 hoilday drove home in perfect weather and no other cares died on the road having rolled the car for no reason. Other than a chat about how to managed unexpect situation like this going forward - ie have a plan like a hotel room in mind - I don't think it needs anything more from you - not OTT apologies just a practical talk.