To be annoyed with DD21

[Riverz]

DD21 lives at home. She went out today to meet some friends. She works shifts and was out late Saturday night because of it, got up Sunday early and drove 60 miles down the motorway. So she’s had only a few hours sleep

It’s 3.30am and she’s not home yet, still with her friends but not staying over with them she’s sitting in her car in a car park talking. I asked when she would be home and that it’s not safe to drive tired. she said she was fine she had drunk an energy drink!

I think it’s irresponsible tbh and I know she’s 21 but I’ve had trouble getting to sleep over it from worry. She has a 1.5 hour drive home yet on no sleep?

I checked she was safe she said she was. Just not tired and not coming home yet

I once got caught out unexpectedly overwhelmingly tired driving and it was quite scary I had to pull over and sleep in the car (she isn’t doing that)

How does tracking her phone prevent anything happening to her? Just because her phone is in a certain location, doesn't give you the faintest idea of what she's actually doing.

That's why tracking is actually pretty dangerous. It just creates more worry and anxiety.

Please OP, do yourself (and your daughter) a huge favour and delete this from your phone and let her get on with her life.

Unless you are scared of your parents, why would you not do what you want. The problem comes with living with your parents at 21 which just wasn't common years ago. It is pretty selfish to arrive home at 5am when living with your parents and pretty stupid in terms of welfare preservation to sleep in a car park all night. It's the kid of behaviour you expect from someone more around 17,18 not a 21 year old.

Also I wonder whether the OP would have wanted her mother to be following her and pestering her in her 20’s, despite the bad experiences. I think this is all coming from the OP and she’s not doing enough to understand her daughter’s perspective.

I doubt the daughter is scared of OP but more likely she’s aware that her mother is incredibly anxious and allows her to intrude into her privacy in order to pacify her.

But tracking her won’t stop her being assaulted or prevent her from having a bad experience - all it does is tell you where her phone is at any given time.

You need to let go - she’s 21 and doesn’t need mummy checking up on her.

Do you have young adult children?

Yes. As do many of us on here. Who are all saying that the OP is out of order and that tracking an adult child's movements 24/7 is not healthy.

You are sort of gaslighting the OP, how do you know she's anxious, it is completely normal to be concerned by your daughter being in a car park for six hours, especially if she is not a girl racer. To solve this problem at 21, maybe you should look at moving out.

I don’t see why that’s relevant

OP is allowed to be anxious but she shouldn’t but that anxiety onto her daughter. When I was 21 I was living away from home in a foreign country and by parents didn’t have a single clue about who I was with or when I got home.

I’m sure they worried but I would have been furious if they’d started texting me in the middle of the night because of the location on my phone.

I don’t know why you keep asking this. It’s irrelevant.

Tracking wasn’t a thing when I was 21 (thank God).

She’s not scared of me she told me I was being a twat when she replied. We have a pretty good and open relationship generally.

In the cold light of day I agree I’m a twat

I don’t know how I would have felt about my mum…. I assume I might have made better choices and been safer had someone been looking out for me so I am majorly projecting my experiences onto my DD, however my DD generally is a billion times more sensible and mature than I was. So I am not giving her credit as an adult or that I have raised her right. Generally I felt abandoned as a young teen by my parents and I was easily attracted into a bad crowd who took advantage of me. My main goal is that DD has a strong home with a parent who cares but I can see how that can go too far.

It’s easier to reflect in the daylight

Exactly. Most of the posters on here managed to make it to adulthood without being tracked 24/7. I’m not sure why society thinks this kind of behaviour is okay but it makes me feel incredibly sorry for young people.

How old are you adult children as many in here are commenting when it wasn't really a thing? Where did it say she tracked her 24hrs a day? I thought the OP stated this weekend so a Saturday night or something hasn't returned and is sitting in a car park for six hours, that's not 24/7 is it? Completely normal to be worried about your DD in that context.

It’s trauma. It is trauma that makes people this way. Real life stuff like SA’s and abuse. None of which is my DD’s fault, and I adore her and only want the best for her. It’s my own insecurity and not fair on her. I do know this. I’m not going to be pissed off with her she didn’t do anything wrong

And again, it’s okay to be worried - that’s part of being a parent. But it’s not okay to transfer that worry onto your adult child.

I’m genuinely sorry that’s something you’ve experienced - maybe it would be worth investing into some therapy.

If its a new routine for her has she new friends that she is hanging around with ?then you might need to reset house rules so you don't have to track her because you are so worried that you are up all night, she is living in your house so I think she should be mindful of that, but you need to learn to relax, or not be so frantic.

Fwiw you never stop worrying about them just you need to learn different ways of dealing with it.

My Dad is a massive worrier and would love to know where I am at all hours of the day. He would love a tracker on my phone!

He panics if I don't answer my phone straight away. I once didn't respond to a text because I was at work and then driving. He had convinced himself that something awful had happened.

I used to work as a supply teacher. He would want to know which schools I was going to. In the end I got fed up and just used to be vague about their general locations.

The result isn't that I change any of my behaviour, I just don't tell him very much!

For example I didn't tell him when I had a car crash.

If you want your adult children to be open with you then you have to treat them like adults.

So you don't?

Of course it's relevant, so you don't even know what it is like to be in the context of Mum of a young adult. Yes, we have all been 21 bit it is not the same thing at all! But tbh, 21 is pretty old and way too old to be sitting in a car park for six hours. It's the kind of thing you expect form a sixth former with friends maybe.

Also, maybe your parents weren't the worrying type it doesn't mean that was the generic norm, it was just your norm. I was growing up in the 80s and 90s and 21 in early 00s my parents didn't smack at all and they were liberal parents, my Mum was an avid reader of child development books and much to the mockery of some of the other Mums was considered 'hippy dippy' in her approach so she certainly wasn't controlling but she definitely worried about me out on Friday/Saturday night, night bus through London etc, when I was a late teen, it was not surprising to me, it was my norm. The only answer is to move out when you are 21!

Oh I am so sorry you are dealing with this, is that why your anxiety is so unmanageable I don't know if you have councilling or therapy maybe try and get something organised so you can navigate this better.

Then you need to get help for yourself (if you haven't already). A good therapist will help you deal with this trauma and the associated panic and worry that it is causing. Because all you are doing is transferring this to your child which, whilst understandable, is not fair on her at all.

Also, you need to stop associating tracking her with her "being safe". A mobile phones location tells you absolutely nothing apart from where the device is. It doesn't tell you who your daughter is with, what she's doing, what mood she is in, whether she is drunk / taking drugs / sat having a coffee with a friend. It definitely can't tell you whether she is safe or not. She could have been doing absolutely anything in those hours where you could see where she (vaguely) was. You had no more clue than if you didn't track her.

Well yeah, you weren't living at home, that's the difference.

As I’ve says multiple times, I’m not criticising OP for worrying - it’s totally normal to worry and even have a bit of a panic when you wake up at 3am and your child isn’t back yet.

But none of that means it’s okay to track the location of said child and then send them panicked messages. You don’t have to be the parent of a 21 year old to know that 🫣

It shouldn’t make a difference though. A 21 year old is an adult whether they live at home or not. Having your young adult living at home with you shouldn’t be an excuse for you to control them and treat them as younger than they are.

And the OP says

It’s really useful as often I will just check she drove safely and not text her at all.

So she is checking on her regularly to make sure she "drives safely"?!