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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DD21

135 replies

Riverz · 15/12/2025 03:38

DD21 lives at home. She went out today to meet some friends. She works shifts and was out late Saturday night because of it, got up Sunday early and drove 60 miles down the motorway. So she’s had only a few hours sleep

It’s 3.30am and she’s not home yet, still with her friends but not staying over with them she’s sitting in her car in a car park talking. I asked when she would be home and that it’s not safe to drive tired. she said she was fine she had drunk an energy drink!

I think it’s irresponsible tbh and I know she’s 21 but I’ve had trouble getting to sleep over it from worry. She has a 1.5 hour drive home yet on no sleep?

I checked she was safe she said she was. Just not tired and not coming home yet

I once got caught out unexpectedly overwhelmingly tired driving and it was quite scary I had to pull over and sleep in the car (she isn’t doing that)

OP posts:
vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:52

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:45

It depends where you lived I suppose but sounds tough.

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Not remotely tough 😂

I have amazing memories of nights like that - parked up somewhere and just chatting and eating kebabs and enjoying ourselves.

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:58

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:28

Agree and there could be a million other reasons why she was there!!!

This is why tracking is so unhealthy and dangerous.

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So the place she went is really great for day and nightlife. She had spent all day doing what I would assume anyone does in this town seeing the main sights. She text me she was having a great time and loads to see and do. So to then see her parked up by a big hospital nowhere near any of the main attractions, in what I assume is an expensive public car park BUT then daytime me googled it and apparently it’s notoriously lovely spot for stargazing and views and maybe they watched the sun come up. And I ruined it 😳

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 11:24

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:52

Not remotely tough 😂

I have amazing memories of nights like that - parked up somewhere and just chatting and eating kebabs and enjoying ourselves.

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This was what my late teens were like, also not everyone had understanding parents who let "boys " stay over or we didn't all go to university and live in shared houses.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 15/12/2025 11:43

My DD is always in public carparks with friends - it seems to be a thing!!

You can see where she is - she did respond when you text her. I may just drop her a text this morning, if she isn’t home, to remind her not to drive if tired.

Daisy12Maisie · 15/12/2025 11:52

I track my teenagers on life 360. It saves me worrying that the 18 year old got home safely after his 4 hour drive home. But I don’t question what he is doing. So with your daughter if she is stationary in a car park then I don’t think you should be asking questions.

this is the sort of text I would have sent if anything.

“ drive home safely when you leave as you must be very tired. If you need to stop off at services get a coffee or something f to keep you awake. “

I don’t think you can question what they are doing if you are tracking them. All you can do is check whether they have/ haven’t finished their road journey. Or with my younger one I can see where to park close by if he has asked me to pick him up from a party.

My boys can see if I’m at work. They find this useful for food reasons. If I’m not working I will definitely be cooking for them. If I’m on a late shift then help themselves to whatever they can find in the fridge/ freezer.

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 11:59

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 11:24

This was what my late teens were like, also not everyone had understanding parents who let "boys " stay over or we didn't all go to university and live in shared houses.

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The OP's DD isn't late teens though she's 21 and I didn't say in my posts that I would say car parks were more a sixth form teen activity in my day but not for six hours! Now the OP has given more information, beauty spot etc. it makes more sense rather than some car park in a retail park or service station or somewhere like that. Unsure why the OP's DD wouldn't just say I'm at beauty spot Mum. Don't think contextual worry should be pathologised and the OP made to feel uncertain about her feelings. At the end of the day I can't relate to being a 21 year old living at home as I didn't live at home. The worries my Mum did have would have been when I was 16,17,18 as I was at home and that's not untypical.

Who knew hanging around in car parks in your early 20s for 6 hours in December was a thing these days!

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 12:01

She is speaking to me, I said I hope she had a good time and I was a twat. She also posted a photo on social media of her having fun which was nice

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 12:35

Riverz · 15/12/2025 12:01

She is speaking to me, I said I hope she had a good time and I was a twat. She also posted a photo on social media of her having fun which was nice

She refers to you as a Twat?

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 12:35

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 12:35

She refers to you as a Twat?

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Oh sorry, you referred to yourself as one.

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 12:53

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 11:59

The OP's DD isn't late teens though she's 21 and I didn't say in my posts that I would say car parks were more a sixth form teen activity in my day but not for six hours! Now the OP has given more information, beauty spot etc. it makes more sense rather than some car park in a retail park or service station or somewhere like that. Unsure why the OP's DD wouldn't just say I'm at beauty spot Mum. Don't think contextual worry should be pathologised and the OP made to feel uncertain about her feelings. At the end of the day I can't relate to being a 21 year old living at home as I didn't live at home. The worries my Mum did have would have been when I was 16,17,18 as I was at home and that's not untypical.

Who knew hanging around in car parks in your early 20s for 6 hours in December was a thing these days!

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Well it went on till I was 19/20 but hanging about it cars has always been a thing.

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 13:06

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 12:53

Well it went on till I was 19/20 but hanging about it cars has always been a thing.

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Hanging about in cars has been a thing for teens- yes, although personally I didn't know anyone who bothered once they could go to pubs, house parties and certainly being in a City Context at 21, I didn't know anyone who had a good time in a retail carpark for six hours! IME you did this at 16/17 when the first person in your group had learnt to drive and nothing else to do, I had to move from London to the countryside when I was 16 and due to lack of options we did do this sometimes, plus more teenagers had cars. When I was out of there at 19 I didn't know anybody who did this in a city context, certainly not at 21 unless some special trip for a view or event but again this would have been after surfing or something, for a couple of hours watching the sunset in the summer not in December for 6 on your own! I was responding to the initial OP which didn't describe that context. I thought it was the 21 year old DD in a car park in a place she doesn't or hasn't visited, on her own for six hours at night which is a totally different scenario.

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 14:01

@Goldenbear yes pretty much. Something relatable was not going on at the time

them all sitting at a Maccies I wouldn’t blink an eye

OP posts:
ThatCleverCoralCrow · 15/12/2025 14:07

I'd have been worried too, those circumstances are odd and driving while tired can kill. If the weather is bad, even worse. I wouldn't continually message her though but I'd no doubt lie awake worried.

Blablibladirladada · 15/12/2025 19:05

Totally get it.

I also remember how I was absolutely fine at 21 with little sleep whereas now I wouldn’t dream of it! If she is a good driver then she would handle her tiredness which wouldn’t be the same as yours…

carpool · 15/12/2025 20:49

When I was 21 (in 1976) I was backpacking in New Zealand. There were no mobile phones back then never mind trackers! I was away for about 12 months altogether and could only call from public call boxes so that didn't happen very often. I expect they did worry about me a bit but we all survived.

Wrenjay · 15/12/2025 21:09

She has probably left her phone in the car and doesn't want you to know where she actually is or what she is doing. It is an absolute disgrace that parents track adult children and vice versa. The internet is the most invasive thing on this planet. We all need privacy. Go to bed and sleep. Leave her to her own devices.

Firefumes · 16/12/2025 17:41

I was the one who ended up driving on no sleep.

but that’s your own problem, you can’t put that on her. It’s not her fault you’re overly anxious and traumatised or whatever else. 21 is an age that’s synonymous with being social and having a nightlife.You’re banging on about finding her actions ““confusing”” but does a 21 year old really need to justify every little thing she does on the location tracking to you? Do you have to, not be confused, as opposed to giving her the freedom to do silly things and enjoy herself? You’re breathing down her neck and for someone with the trauma issues that you have, having access to her location 24/7 is not healthy for either of you. She has to be given the space to be spontaneous, she’s a grown adult, but you’re susceptible to overthinking and seeing the worst.

Most 21 year olds are out at 3am at some point doing nonsensical things. It doesn’t have to make sense through a middle-aged/parental lens. I’ve seen silly yet harmless things happen, it’s just part of making memories isn’t it? I’m sure most people on here have stories about doing things that are worse. Sitting in her car having a chat, isn’t concerning behaviour. Your perception is.

Original poster
Riverz · 17/12/2025 11:37

Ok so my DH, her stepdad talked to her. He was helping her with her car. She went to see these new friends and none of them have accommodation suitable for a mate to sleep on the sofa, so her and some of them slept in the car as nowhere else to go. It was very cold and she did not enjoy that part, and wasn’t sure what was another option. Also her headlight went out and the shops were closed.

DH has sent her links to travel lodges - she thought they were going to be £100, it’s like £25 this time of year, so she said she would book something next time in advance and go out and enjoy herself and then a few of them can share and have a decent night sleep.

Its always humbling to hear about some of her friends, many of them are sort of sofa surfing and have no real proper home, and as they are young/students they are just winging it and everything is too expensive. We have a nice house and all the DC have their own rooms, and we welcome anyone to come and stay and have extra space.

This is why it was humbling and confusing as I am in a privileged position to have my DC still living at home at 21, with no rush to leave and they aren’t having to sofa surf and I am not used to this, but it is normal reality for some others. Probably good for DD to have some different experiences in life

OP posts:
Enigma54 · 17/12/2025 11:53

Leave her be. You are tracking a fully grown woman?? That’s just wrong. You have anxiety, seek help!

Enigma54 · 17/12/2025 11:56

Riverz · 17/12/2025 11:37

Ok so my DH, her stepdad talked to her. He was helping her with her car. She went to see these new friends and none of them have accommodation suitable for a mate to sleep on the sofa, so her and some of them slept in the car as nowhere else to go. It was very cold and she did not enjoy that part, and wasn’t sure what was another option. Also her headlight went out and the shops were closed.

DH has sent her links to travel lodges - she thought they were going to be £100, it’s like £25 this time of year, so she said she would book something next time in advance and go out and enjoy herself and then a few of them can share and have a decent night sleep.

Its always humbling to hear about some of her friends, many of them are sort of sofa surfing and have no real proper home, and as they are young/students they are just winging it and everything is too expensive. We have a nice house and all the DC have their own rooms, and we welcome anyone to come and stay and have extra space.

This is why it was humbling and confusing as I am in a privileged position to have my DC still living at home at 21, with no rush to leave and they aren’t having to sofa surf and I am not used to this, but it is normal reality for some others. Probably good for DD to have some different experiences in life

Well aren’t you the privileged one! Do you good to be exposed to how some people have to live.

Enigma54 · 17/12/2025 11:58

Isayitasitis · 15/12/2025 10:37

Jesus cut the apron strings woman!

Exactly!

Coffeeishot · 17/12/2025 11:58

Enigma54 · 17/12/2025 11:56

Well aren’t you the privileged one! Do you good to be exposed to how some people have to live.

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I am sure if you had a thought your reply through you could have worded it like a rational adult !

tinytemper66 · 17/12/2025 12:00

Riverz · 15/12/2025 07:06

I’ve had her on the tracking since she started secondary school

I do think I am anxious however she’s in a place she doesn’t know with a friend she has only recently met and I don’t know who they are, it’s the middle of winter and she is asleep in a car. The whole thing is a bit off and also unusual

She needs to turn her tracking off.

Yourlifeinyourhands · 17/12/2025 12:03

I’d not be thrilled if my daughter even if she was an adult was sleeping in a car park in her car! I know cars are locked but it doesn’t seem safe. I don’t think you’re wrong for worrying!

FartyAnimal · 17/12/2025 12:03

This is a prime example of using a phone to obsess. OP - your daughter is now an autonomous adult and you are treating her like a 12 year old. Generations of people have grown up without their parents knowing where they are 24/7, and not contacting their parents every few hours. Leave her alone to grow up in peace and have some degree of privacy.