To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

The op states he knew his kids were being neglected. If I felt that my ex was not caring for my children appropriately and I was getting no where with court, I'd have moved heaven and earth to be closer to them so that I could be a more involved part of their lives.

He tried to take mum to court, wasn't supported in his concern and so just sat back and enabled his children to grow up in the state they have even though he continued to have concerns, he just happily created his new life with op and younger children

@Phylllis Repurpose bedrooms NOW. If adult children are homeless because kicked out by their mum they will need to share room all of them. You do not have any obligation to cater to adults.

I may get shot down in flames here but I would say no. Even though they are your SC, they are now young adults and this is the time of expect them to go to uni. Or get an apprenticeship or a full time job if they are not education inclined.
It sounds like you should have got rid of your DH years ago as he is treating you like a maid. And allowing hos kids to. It will have a really detrimental effect on your dc as well.

No way! I've had a very similar situation...and there was no way I'd have been able to cope. It was a deal breaker for me. If DH allowed out of control stepson to move in, then I'd be selling house and moving out. No divorce, just separate living and DH could deal with the drugs, mess, lying in bed all day/up all night on phone etc etc.

I was happy for DH to do it, but no way I was.
Long story, but he stayed with his mum and their relationship improved.

In hindsight I am glad I stood my ground. I hadn't an option really.

Adult teenagers are impossible creatures to live with at the best of times but if they have no boundaries too I'd say they'll need strong ones in place. They pay rent, they do a fair share of chores etc etc. Is she planning on kicking them all out together or one at a time until the benefits stop altogether?

Maybe it’s demographics but I honestly don’t know anyone who lived at home with their parents past 18 or 19. The vast majority went to uni, others moved into houseshares, some stayed for a year to save or went travelling, myself and DP included in those categories. Nowadays, I know of some young people socially or through work, and most are in houseshares in cities. The few who live at home are on full-time apprenticeships or living in multi generational homes as they’re Asian. I don’t know anyone who’s repeating a level 1 course like SD1.

DP got home late after dropping them back and said they were talking in the car about how we’d need to move to a cheaper nearby town so the girls got their own bathroom(s). They’d been looking up houses and sending them to him. Apparently their mum has told them that we’ll need a bigger house when they are all here. I think the penny has finally dropped for him that they’re expecting to swap one dosshouse for another, permanent, more luxurious one.

I’ve told him I’m not leaving our nice town and DDs aren’t changing schools. I’m not taking out a bigger mortgage and delaying my retirement to accommodate SC in being lazy adults. I’m not being the one left with managing SC and DDs all day whilst he’s out at work, and I can’t WFH downstairs when they’re here so SDs will need to share a room.

No I wouldn't allow them to move in as jobless adults! You will never get rid of them! You will end up arguing and divorcing. I'd sit down and discuss this with your husband properly. Then tell them it's not happening. They need a plan e.g. uni or get a job. No unemployed adults staying here. If they continue in this direction then they need to go to the council to present themselves as homeless, for temporary accommodation.

Seriously
They are his kids
How could anyone have respect for a father who did that

Seriously, if I were in this situation I’d just think fuck this shit and move out with my dds. No man is worth hanging onto for this. My first priority would be protecting the peace and happiness of my own children.

Let him deal with the circus that he helped to create.

Someone involved social services for nits, not reading and doing badly at school?

How could you respect someone for allowing his adult jobless children to move in?! Seriously? It's going to affect his wife as she'll be expected to tidy up and buy more food. They are lazy and just going to sleep in and eat food. They need to be told the reality. If they're at uni or in a full time then they can stay. But not as unemployed people!

Mumsnetters: 18 year olds are adults and need to stand on their own two feet. Unemployed people are lazy and feckless and need to get a job.

Mumsnetters: Of course you need to let three unemployed adults move in with you when they turn 18. You married their father!

Hell no!

Remember though that the 3 of them won’t all move in with you at once - won’t it be one at a time, as they turn 18? So for the first year you’ll just have one addition to your household. That might not be so bad - in fact it could be a nice opportunity for that young person to have some attention and guidance from you and the dad, without the hectic-ness of having the others there too.
All young people deserve that guidance, especially if they’ve not had it properly before.
I do get your frustration though… but it’ll help if you can try to re-frame it.

Just say a huge no now. I would not entertain the idea. I would state clearly now that it's not going to happen, they can all make arrangements now.

You know you are going to be their unpaid skivvy if you say yes.

Although my SC are a bit younger than yours and it’s not been officially said, I suspect this is their mum’s plan also and is genuinely one of my biggest fears - there is no way I could ever accommodate this, their upbringing is as far apart as I could even write, so there will be not a chance this will ever happen, my relationship would end before I could allow this for me and my own DC. You need to think very seriously now and have those difficult conversations with your DP - I feel for you, I really do

Honestly I’d split up and continue to give your own DC a lovely life.

If he doesn’t have your back, it’s going to be a complete nightmare.

At a minimum your DC should have their own room and should have all along.

Clearly her sending them to you is financially motivated.

Is it an option for the money he used to send her for CM is given to them as rent on a flat? Plenty of kids go off to uni at that aged might make them grow up a bit.

There’s no way I’d be treated like a maid for everyone.

Great you’re not married and financially in a position to buy him out / get your own place.

Amongst the rest… They were regularly turning up to school unwashed in filthy clothes, weren’t sleeping as their mum had friends round a lot, screens in rooms so gaming all night.

Their mum agreed to do a parenting course, kids were happy, case closed.

The end result was DP agreeing to pay for uniforms and a clothing allowance on top of maintenance.

Rent a house for them at 18 and they can claim housing benefit and universal credit to pay for it.

it will cost you a £2,000 deposit, DO NOT under any circumstances act as guarantor.

yes you’ll likely lose that deposit when they fuck it up or the landlord does an inspection but not your problem.

They can either act like adults or be homeless 🤷‍♀️ I would not let them move in with me

they’ve declared it because mums kicking them out as they are no longer an income for her. She’s an absolutely cunt and people on here will defend her. Hey ho

at the end of the day though they are adults and you don’t have to house them…..

can I ask some more questions.

You mention 2 dc of your own but that SC have their own rooms. Are you in a big house and quite financially secure? It makes me think you have 6 bedrooms in a huge house but I’m just trying to get an idea of scope of living arrangements

what are they are expecting to achieve with college etc? Are they expecting to move in at the end of 6th form or move to local colleges?

what’s the job market like around your area? Is there plenty of jobs for unskilled workers?

I'm not sure what OP's DH could have done, having lost his court case. The children refused to come and the court agreed that they could make this decision and shouldn't be forced to visit. OP would have been happy for these children to live with them full-time or part-time when they were younger and still in education so she and her DH could be a positive and supportive influence on their behaviour and educational achievements. As it is, they sound unemployable and completely disfunctional.

The SC's mum sounds manipulative and her actions have all been based on what is best for her, benefits and maintenance wise, and her decision to just throw each child out as they reach the age of 18 is pretty awful.

OP's DH, quite reasonably, won't refuse to offer a home to his children, but OP isn't being unreasonable to be extremely reluctant to house and care for young adults who have left education with no qualifications and who have no intention of seeking work. They also have some behavioural problems.

OP can't dictate to her DH that his children aren't welcome in their home now, but she can make a decision that she won't put up with it for herself and for her own children so will move out.

That’s not a bad idea if the money is there for them to do it

What did DH say when you said all of that? Does he agree with you?

It sounds like there was serious serious neglect here. Did those children ever have a chance? Even if I hated my OH I’d be slow to leave if that was likely to be the outcome for my kids.
From the OP’s posts it really doesn’t sound as if OH did absolutely everything he could. If my ex was sending my kids to school like that I’d be moving as close as I could get.

Nits, lack of sleep, no support for education. Yes DM is at fault clearly but to what extent can DH say his conscience is clear. DM wasn’t a fit parent, was he?

And now two poor children could potentially be dragged into this.

These children/young adults need serious help.

Im not getting the sense that the H here has said or done anything to burst their bubble.

The idea that the entire family will just move to a cheaper area so they can sit on their arses forever... surely he had a problem with that? Right?

OP you need to push the issue now, force him to have the conversation with them. And take back one of those rooms for your girls now, its hideously unfair that they are sharing while three rooms are sitting unused 90% of the time.

Your H needs to think about what message that sends. They are his children too.

Urgh @Phylllis dont

either DH moves out and gets his own place for him and his kids or like other people have said you rent somewhere and they’ll have to maintain it and pay their own way. Don’t have them in your home disrupting your children’s lives.

Although At a push…. And I mean at a push…. You could take one the oldest as they age out and offer them a room on a contract to live with you, which sounds weird but could work

DP would have to totally be on board and follow through

set out clearly the expectations - They are clean tidy respectful pay rent and seek Meaningful employment or education. They under no circumstances cause any distress or disruption to younger siblings.

I think it’ll be hard to turn a life around but you could do it. It does happen - maybe they just need to see that there’s a different way of doing things and they’ve not had the chance of that yet cos of their mum. Once it’s modelled and modelled well something could change for the better for them?

If it goes well then great … try with the next and the next … if not so well then rent a house chuck them all in it and let them make their own way.