To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

And he said?

Can he agree to pay maintenance til they're 21 then she won't have to downsize? Other than that I think the only thing you can do is lay down expectations now around chores, jobs, contribution to the household etc. and stick to it. Or you can leave. I can't see any other options. Other than help them get set up with a job and a house share

A few of us have raised this but the op keeps talking as if all 3 will move in at once.

Their DM has filled your DSC with the idea they'll move to their Dads and he'll pay for everything_ they clearly have no idea of working to keep themselves. You're not married Op so you don't need to divorce but I'd be looking to move out, your DH thinks he'll turn his DC around and they'll change but it's too late for that unless he's willing to say shape up or out you go

Maybe DH feels an obligation to help the children that were so badly neglected and denied an opportunity of a proper upbringing where they might not be in this situation.

Does that mean the Op should house his children forever, no. But she seem alien to a line of thought that her DH is actually responsible for this situation. And that dysfunctional childhoods produce dysfunctional adults. Instead she think SC should move out at 18 because she sees that as normal despite the fact that they didn’t have a normal upbringing.

Having more kids with this man was a choice. These are the consequences.

You have all my sympathy. I honestly never considered this when I met DP. At the time, their mum was difficult and annoying but seemed a competent mum.

You met a man with three very small children including one who was just out of babyhood. I’d have run for the hills.

That’s a bit of a contradiction to how you describe the kids upbringing. At what point did she stop being competent?

There have been some good suggestions of helping them rent a house by paying the deposit or continuing to pay maintenance for a few more years.
I would also consider getting the house sold and split if they are definitely coming to live with you. Your DH can sort a house out with them

We have a four bedroom house in which one room is split in two (for SDs). It’s not huge downstairs. I work from home two days a week at the dining table (obviously this only works as DDs are always at school and DP at work - if SC are here in holidays I work from our bedroom).

Over the years, SC have costed DP more and more, which is normal, but means he has very little left. We pay half the bills each so I’ve been able to build up a surplus in savings which was for redecorating and holidays in a few years. We don’t holiday expensively with SC because they just want to lay in their rooms or be taken on excursions which meant I was wrangling two toddlers alone. And as I was paying for it, it wasn’t fun for me.

They are expecting to go to college indefinitely as far as I can see. SD1 is close to being thrown out of her second attempt at first year (full time but 3 days a week) for low attendance.

We do live in a bigger (but more expensive) place so there are better opportunities for unskilled here that at their mum’s. But because it’s expensive I don’t see that would pay enough for them to move out.

Probably when she had her last child and SC started saying no to her. She just lets them do what they want. She’s very image conscious and posts a lot online of her perfect life, which is all I really saw, but the reality is very different.

What was the dynamic when you met him. Had he left his wife? Why did they break up when they’d just had a baby?

This sounds familiar. I know of a family where 4 kids lived with mum...not saying they were neglected as you state about your SC. But when they reached the age where benefits were no longer paid for them, they suddenly had to go live full time with their dad. Mum and dad didn't live far from each other, kids were able to walk to dad's/ mums etc whenever they wanted growing up.

Have you thought of offering to continue some maintenance until each is independent? That could work for the kids mam. I know it's an extra finance, but better for your peace.

They’ll never be independent then and that’s dwindling the pension pot /inheritance for younger ones

so what d you think the options are @Phylllis

you need to obv discuss this with DP and get a plan in place. What are the options you’d consider and take the discussion with him?

Yet MN is always defending SAHM to if DM doesn’t have income go support them because she has raised them what is she supposed to do?

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with them all.

When they are sending pics of houses etc. you need to knock that on the head straight away and tell them they are living in cuckoo land instead if they think that will happen.

Sit down with them and ask why they think they can move in with you at 18 - if its because they're mum has told them that again point out it's not up to her - she has no say on how you live as a family.

Point out their mum is using them as a football and it's all a game to her.

Your DH needs to stand up as a parent and stop taking the easy option.

I would be telling him that if he wants them to move in with him then he takes his son on as an apprentice as he's not staying in the house all day. If the girls go to college then they go = they don't get days off.

I agree, nice idea, but why would this be necessary. Apart from the fact they haven’t been cared for properly which brings huge problems.

I think the best idea, is to take the oldest 1 first, if you can bare it. Take it month by month and tell him that. Help him get opportunities, try to turn his life around. Toe A HARD LINE. Tell your husband and him there must be NO NEGATIVE IMPACT to your children. If there is, there will be a warning. If it happens again, he has to go within 1 month. Maybe this is a risk too big, but the only way I can see it could work.

When I was 18 I moved out because my SF was intolerable, it was a hostile environment. He always made out I was doing something wrong, even though I honestly never did. I got straight Bs, As, A*s. Never in any trouble. Wanted to work (and did part time from 14,) didn’t have enough clothes because they didn’t help me (I worked to buy myself from 14 and bought cheaply) but I did always have food and a place to sleep, a house that didn’t change often. But the shouting, accusations, hostility, believing I was a terrible person. It was awful. The reason I’m saying this, is I met a boyfriend who was a few years older who asked me to move in with him across town. He had a full-time job. When I told my SF I’d like to move out (I waited from 17, to 18 when my boyfriend asked me initially, to complete my A-levels, was trying to be responsible.) I was then starting a pre uni 1 year course. My SF never even looked away from the TV. He said ‘do you want me to give you a lift?’ It was brutal. I moved out and we often ran out of electricity as that was my responsibility (£ meter) they didn’t visit. Of course my boyfriend also covered. Some people do not have support and young ppl that do are so lucky. BUT what you have shared about the 3s growing up is awful.

As I said the above is my only suggestion. They are very lucky to have you in their lives, but it can’t be at any long term detriment to yourself. I mean 1 month of problems would be too much.

Hopefully you and your DH can work it out. Wishing you the very best.

Do like mum and downsize to 3 bedrooms. Can't fit a gallon into a pint pot

It does sound like if they move in it's the end of your relationship.

Trying to find a least-bad solution, I'd say how about being straight with the SC that their mum is not interested in having them anymore because she's no longer getting maintenance. Offer to keep paying the maintenance (I'd be crystal clear about a fixed end point, like a particular age or while they're in education), but crucially, pay it directly to the child. They can then decide among themselves how that gets used, ie how does the child feel about paying it as "rent" to the mum...

I'm not sure you can absolve yourself completely from supporting DC over 18 these days, so the ongoing maintenance seems ok, but I don't think you need to completely upend your life for them either.

If they do move in, they obviously need (many!) boundaries and conditions put in, and your DH needs to enforce them. We all know this won't happen, he's had decades of being rubbish at this, so you will need to not cave and follow-through on your side. I would make sure I have plans in place to move out. Living separately would be the only viable solution then, but you've already said that wouldn't work either.

It is a very difficult situation and I truly understand your misgivings OP. However, the truth is that when one gets into a relationship with someone who has children there is always possible that they can end up living with you .
The mother has brought up the children and now frankly it is their dad’s turn to do his part
So you either have to speak to your dh about boundaries etc or leave the marriage
It really is simple as that

You have definitely posted about this fairly recently. Not sure what else you are expecting from a second post about the exact same thing.

The 3 dc are a product of their upbringing and the poor parenting involved. It isn't their fault, but I imagine that due to this, a bright future in further education or the world of work, is doubtful.

There is no way on earth I would live with them. I would be prepared to walk away from the relationship as them moving in FT as young adults, would destroy your homelife, blow up your bills, and most certainly critically impact your own dd's day to day lives.

When you told him that, what was his response?

Sorry, haven’t RTFT, but can the two of you afford to rent a place for the SC? Not that they’ll treat it any better than your house, but at 18+ they ‘should’ be in a position to live independently.

I found it very difficult living with my SS (and I’m sure vice versa), particularly once he’d left college and wasn’t motivated to do much. Having another adult in the house 24/7 gets old, really quickly, especially if they’re not prepared to adjust their lifestyle to fit in.