To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

You have potentially 10 years plus with them all at home, which is standard in some parts of the country op. It’s too expensive to move out. You need to decide if you can mansge that or leave..

It's really hard to have differernt, more strict, rules for kids in one household, especially if they are there less often.

Anyway OP, I would make it clear that all kids who are out of school at your house are expected to work and contribute financially and with chores, or are expected to be in some kind of training and passing.

This "you can pay me to babysit" I'd be very clear - it would be a lovely contribution to babysit, but anyone out of school is expected to contribute to the household, so it's unlikely we would be paying you n that way. You would be paying somehing for your rent and keep.

And make that the rule for your own kids too, it's totally reasonable.

It will set the tone if they do come. But it may also mean they are less likely to see that as a solution they like.

They may need help now thinking about other options. It's likely they don't have much sense of waht else they might do at 18, and they are probably discombobulated by their mothers threat to throw them out.

At the end of the day you choose a man with three children, they come as a package, you then choose to add to your responsibilities by having two more which was purely optional. Caring for five children is a huge and expensive task.

Your dh needs to step up, he has barely done any parenting at all. I can’t blame their mother for insisting he is involved now. She is probably worn out, burnt out.

Not sure why you're being snide. It's simply a fact that some people are much better parents than others. Some parents completely mess up their kids and some parents help their kids flourish.

Very true but the father in this seems to emulate each mother - with his crap ex he is a crap dad to his dc, with his current partner he is a ‘good’ dad (probably because she is a good mum) so the man is weak and spineless and can’t independently be a decent dad.

OP you haven’t responded about the dc moving in in stages? I mean as each one turns 18. So it wouldn’t be that all 3 rock up at once. That means as long as you and your dp set the standard with the first dc it might be easier with the rest? Also, when the time comes the others may change their mind. Of course none of that matters if don’t want any of your sdc moving in.

Yes, the dad sounds pretty useless.

OP, have you considered the possibility of continuing to pay the mum child support even past the age of 18? That way she might feel able to keep them with her for longer.

Though really it doesn't solve the underlying issues at all. You dh doesn't have your back, your step-kids are being raised to fail, and you're being expected to run around after them.

But maybe paying the mum would be worth the few extra years of stability it would give your own children.

I don't really understand why people have 5 children. Two children is hard enough for me.

If it’s financial driving the mum to make them move out maybe the answer is your DP continues to pay money for them. As let’s face it, maintenance may end at 18 but many young people are still living at home at 30 these days and that costs. There’s no way i’d have adults sleeping in and doing nothing all day. I think it will be the end of your relationship if that happens. I also doubt they will want to move. Maybe your DP offers to pay maintenance whilst they aren’t working full time.

Because some people don't find two children hard and feel they can cope with more?

These ones clearly aren't. It's a risk in this day and age unless you are loaded.

I suspect the issue here is more the step-family dynamic than the number of kids total though.

I don’t think YANU to not want them to move in but 18 year olds are not adults - the law may like to think they are when it suits but they still need parents to guide them - and it looks like they need more parenting than most. What choice do you have?

Sounds like an awful situation. I think you should start by giving your own children a room each and have a home office. The older ones don’t need a bedroom each now they are adults and they will soon find a way to adult if they have to be on camp beds. Why should your children not have their own room by now when the older ones had that privilege and trashed them. I also don’t see why you should have to work from the corner of the living room to earn money to pay for the lazy lumps to disrespect your home.

BTW I don’t see EOW being a problem like many on MN, it was routine and everyone knew where they were at. Very normal 20 years ago. I feel sorry for a lot of children who get ferried around so much odd days midweek. once children are 18 they are adults and we are no longer obliged and certainly not responsible for them HOWEVER most of us carry on supporting them emotionally if not financially during early adulthood as we are nice. Not if they are lazy disrespectful shits though.
ps, Try not to blame the mum, what’s done is done and none of us are perfect.

good luck x

But this father clearly couldn’t. Perhaps if he hadn’t thrown 2 more into the mix he would have had more time & energy to deal with the first three.
These kids have been hugely let down by both parents.

Your dh chose to have 5 children and needs to be able to provide a home for all of them. Turning 18 is early to be considered a proper adult nowadays. It sounds like they very much need his help and support, which he hasn't provided much if until now.

I just would not do it . You will be living with lazy unmotivated adults forever.

This and your DH has 5 kids to support but you seem to be both working towards early retirement? You’ve both known for years that these 3 kids had a lot of issues. You seem to have adopted an all or nothing - move in with but only while you are minors and we’ll help. At 18 a line in the sand is drawn.

Your DH is now caught up in his new life with you, supporting you work etc when his priority should have been his kids.

Why is he planning early retirement while his kids lives are in this state? These kids were incredibly young, in one case a baby when he stopped living with them.

Yes it will be. Get the hell out of there.

I agree with a lot of this. You knew this man had 3 kids. It’s seems it has been obvious for years that the kids weren’t in a good way, yet you had two more with him.
He is their father. Giving the housing market etc it isn’t realistic to kick them to the curb at 18, and it’s even more unrealistic given how many issues they have.
But you don’t want to deal with it, you want a wholesome family life with your two kids. Which would be fine if DH didn’t already have 3 kids.

Like fuck would I tolerate that. Just run, run as fast as you can.

She was happy to deal with it when the children were of an age where active parenting was still a possibility that could result in change. Now the scenario is two, and down the line three adults moving in who will require reparenting as their primary care giver couldn’t be arsed alongside the OPs two bio kids whilst also working. That’s a recipe for a breakdown. Absolutely not.

Oh give over. Did you miss the part about them live 1.5 hours away? This means their school and friends etc are all based there, and presumably her DH job which (again, presumably) enables him to pay considerable maintenance to support his children, is based 1.5 hours away from his kids. How often would you like him to have seen them? Should he have been doing a 3 hour round trip after a full day a work to tuck them in at night?

Lovely

I always find threads like this so depressing. For me, if I divorced DH and met someone else, they would need to fully accept my DC. If I felt they in any way didn’t like my DC or didn’t want them around, I’d call it quits. You know when you start a relationship what you’re getting into.

I think women expect the children will be kept at arms length and when something happens like this or some sort of emergency (like what could have happened had their mum ever become seriously ill and couldn’t care for them), they freak out and don’t want the children to come any closer because it interrupts ‘their’ family. Except your SC are a part of your family, they’re your husband’s children.

I understand they haven’t been raised as you would like and it does sound like they’ve had a difficult time which is sad but all the more reason to try and help them out.

Your DH is 50% responsible for how the children have turned out. The least he can do is step up and help them. It too easy to blame their mother. When you marry a man with children it’s a package, or you can leave.