To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

My dad used to drive to get us every weekend 5 hours. Yes he could have done more.

I think your predictions of what will happen when your SC move in are bound to be accurate. If your DH wasn't able to bring out the best in them when they were younger, he won't be able to turn that around now.

But he can't refuse to take them in. That would be awful.

So you need to make plans to live separately, though you could stay in a relationship. He can get a smaller house suitable for himself and his three oldest children to share - they won't need five bedrooms! - and they'll be contributing to his household financially via Universal Credit or jobs or whatever. The money your DP used to spend on maintenance of his older children then goes toward the maintenance of his younger children. So you can afford a flat nearby where you can live in peace with your two, whose lives won't have to be disrupted by their adult siblings' chaotic lives and interpersonal conflicts. It isn't ideal and I guess your career will take a hit once your kids' dad can no longer look after them while you travel for work. But it has to be the least-bad option.

You blame everyone else but you made the decision to join a family 12 years ago. you always knew your dp had existing responsibilities - and always knew there would be a big age gap between siblings if you chose to have more dc with him.
It’s not dc fault you assumed your life would be perfect and circumstances would never change and the dc would never want their dads help.
If I were your dp I would be overjoyed to get a second chance, I wouldn’t care less about the money or space issues and the only question would be whether I would be making a family home for 7, or 6 and kicking you to the kerb.
Being a parent means loving your dc unconditionally even if they don’t do well at school or are messy and annoying teenagers.
Of course you can’t insist they are in work or training when they’ve got Sen and years of parental neglect.
Do you think your dc will thank you if you reject helping and they end up with siblings with substance abuse or mh issues or worse.

Why did you have DC with him, when parenting wasn't going well with his DC with his ex?

Why is DP out a lot at weekends and evenings?

This very well might be the death of your relationship. It is still his responsibility to try to help his children get on the right path.

He shouldn’t just be letting them move in without rules or expectations. Any 18 year old still living at home should have structure. Things like full time education or work should be the default.

You absolutely can set rules about curfews and guests to keep the house from becoming a free for all, house share type environment. Part of living in the family home is accepting a bit less freedom than striking out on your own.

They're not all going to turn 18 at the same time so they won't all expect to move in with you and DP within the next year. You might find (hopefully) that it's easier to set and maintain boundaries when you have just one SC full-time.

I’m sure your DH is a nice man. And I’m sure he does find family life stressful. But he chose to have a big family and blended family.
Your husband chose to bring five children into the world. Im afraid he needs to pull his weight and stop letting the women in his life take up all the slack. He is responsible for his five children.

Maybe living apart, but being in the relationship is the best thing. Perhaps when he sees how awful it is living with his older kids, he'll do something about it.

Them coming to live with you will be an absolute nightmare.

Your mental health and relationship won't survive, so I'd say you need to let him know now, that your can see how it'll work, based on how challenging it is when they're over for the weekend. That you want to avoid your relationship going south, so you feel it's in everyone's best interests if you live apart, but maintain your relationship.

You'll just have 3 layabouts costing money and annoying you.

In all honesty, I doubt all 3 will want to move. However you can always say no. And start adjusting expectations. You will pay for your own driving lessons etc.
I feel for you, this is a difficult spot to be in.

Respond by asking questions. Eg So how are you going to pay for your driving lessons and car? You’ll be working full time and paying rent by then. Are you really going to want to babysit on top on all that?

This. And it’s the reason I never got with a man who already had children - I’m far too selfish.

He's a Peter Pan I think. Likes life to go smoothly. He's no idea how his life is going to change. The OP has two children and a career the partner (not husband) has to sort out his first family which he's dodged for years. The OP may not want to live in what sounds like chaos.

18 is still young enough to turn your life around.

you have boundaries and rules and they either stick to them or they’re out. If you’ve managed well with yours and DP is a good dad when at home. Now is his opportunity to step up.

ground rules for everybody and give it a 6 month trial. They’re a bit lazy and argumentative not an overwhelming hurdle in the behaviour lottery for old teens/young adults.

It's not going to work. And it isn't fair on your children who's lives will be severely disrupted

I wonder if he was so keen to agree to this because he believes it’s on you to facilitate this, financially and otherwise.

You know this will be the death knell for your relationship, so I would recommend telling him just that. Not to threaten, but to inform. He’s free to house his adult children if he wants to, but it won’t be in the house he shares with you, or with you at all.

It’s very fortunate that you aren’t married to him.

@Phylllis you will be having adults move in with you, not children. You need to start preparing now and the first move is to give your own children their own rooms. When the adults come to lodge with you, they will have to accept the new normal, and share a room. As adults, if they want to ‘control the TV’, they can do so with their own TV in their own room. If they want to share family space, they will do so, respectfully … with a probationary window period to get used to the rules of their lodging house. Prepare a chart now of jobs they will be expected to do. Had they been children coming to live with you, that would be different. Let them know now of the expectations, so that they are prepared.

it is a horrible situation for all, but your priority must be the remaining children and to maintain the status quo for them, as best you can.

I'm just thinking about if you leave, your DH has to support 5 kids! He should be doing everything he possibly can to get you on side.
As a couple, can you support 5 children, if the other 3 don't get jobs? They could be with you for many years.
To be perfectly honest, I'd seriously consider bailing. I know you knew he had kids but to have potentially 3 extra young adults living with you is a different matter altogether. Some tough decisions to make OP, don't envy you.

As always in these situations, there is a feckless man who has had too many kids and therefore relies on women to parent.

I would live apart if you can.

Yeah, you need to move out before this happens. You must have known when you had your own kids that their father was unlikely to be around for the long haul, having abandoned three already.

What's the better option for them: growing up in a cramped, chaotic household with rowdy half-sibling NEETs, a resentful mother and neglectful father, or a small quiet place with a mum who can focus on them and their needs? OK, leaving's not going to be great for your finances, but then neither is staying.

People are so naïve, how on earth can anyone expect OP to parent her stepchildren the way she would parent her own when they still have their own mother? I'd have said that the OP should give them a chance, but she also has DC that she must prioritise and not fuck up.

The best, and tbh, only, option here is to leave her DP to it. No need to split, just live apart for a while. He needs to step up and parent his kids unconditionally. These adult kids will not accept tough love from step mum that's for damn sure.

I would do this as soon as possible

You see to have read only half the sentence in the opening post. If you read the whole opening post, the second half of that sentence says ‘and half of holidays’. Does that help? That would be over 50 more days here.

@Phylllis I think you need to sit down again with DH and set out your concerns. If there’s any hope of this succeeding, the period of adjustment your DH talked about needs to start now and not when they move in permanently.

This is a good idea. Also tell them that any bad behaviour will affect the ability of them all to stay, so they all have to behave. Also tell them they are going to have to have a lot of new rules to prepare them for life, and you’ll do your best to help them, but they must participate. I guess moving now would be a minimum of 4 years though 14>18. And you have to consider your own children. Whatever happens they don’t need to stay indefinitely. ie until 20, 21, 22 would not be unreasonable. I left home at 18.

The mum engineered the situation, probably to maximise her benefits. Given that the father tried to get custody, and she fought it, moved far away and sold her car, it's a bit rich to complain he didn't have them more often.