To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

Saying this nicely I think you are quite naive about young adults and what they can afford post education/uni. I know you said you moved out when you were 18 (?) as did a lot of people back then but times have really changed with the cost of renting and ability to get a mortgage.

I think people are being a bit unfair saying "Did you not expect SC to live with you beyond 18". Of course this is often correct in the current climate.

However I get the impression it would be totally different if the SC were already living with OP. Or if one (or more) of them wanted to move in to be near a specific college or job.

What OP doesn't want is 18+ year olds living with her for the first time, with absolutely no plan for work or study.

It does sound like the penny has dropped for your DP, OP. I really hope you can move towards a plan that supports those kids in their next steps but doesn't involve them moving to yours to lie in bed on their phones all day.

I wouldn’t want this either, but then I also wouldn’t marry someone that already had three children if I didn’t want the children to live with me.

Awww, poor little thing 🙁
can’t have much of a life, but then I suppose that is what happens when you have multiple children

precisely, living in La La Land.
He would be an absolutely despicable person if he buggered off and left his older three. Surely you wouldn’t want that? If he can do it to them, he can do it to yours ?

DDs would be welcome to either stay in the small base or come with us, and to be honest I am also planning to have enough in investments by then to afford housing deposits for them if that’s what they want.

SC don’t speak the language of the country despite us offering to pay for language lessons many times over the years - they’re not interested in learning and they don’t hear it at home like DDs do.

If any SC moved in, DP would need to seriously cut his hours and be there in the mornings to get them out of bed, and evenings to cook for them and so on. I’m not up for being the primary parent to workshy, rude adults.

I think this is the crux of it OP, and I hope your DP is beginning to understand this.

These are young people who will still need a LOT of hands-on parenting and guidance. The person to do that needs to be one of their parents, not you. Not that you can't help and support of course - but the bulk of it needs to be their mum or dad.

When OP’s youngest has finished higher education, the youngest SC will be 28 years old.

At what age would it not be ‘despicable’ to think you might be able to plan your own life / travelling around your desires and not those of your (step)children?

If any SC moved in, DP would need to seriously cut his hours and be there in the mornings to get them out of bed, and evenings to cook for them and so on. I’m not up for being the primary parent to workshy, rude adults.

Let's hope the penny is starting to drop for your DP. What would happen to household finances if he had to cut his hours that much? Might it be cheaper to pay for carers?!

Why do they NEED Netflix?

Netflix is a reason for them to bunk off rather than being in school...

I do not have Netflix.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18.

If this is not happening until they are 18 you have no moral or legal obligation to house them. They will be adults and responsible for their own housing.

Keep the relationship friendly and amicable. Let them know you are available for guidance and happy for them to visit for Sunday lunch etc.

It almost seems like you didn't think through the consequences of having children with a man who already had 3. It sounds like you thought they wouldn't impact your home at all.

😂

So if their mum kicks them out, their dad and step mum don’t want them to move in what are these 18yr olds supposed to do? And think how it will affect them and their future? The parents have already failed them massively in childhood and now they are going to fail them in young adulthood too. I find it so so sad.

I agree if they were 16 but they will be 18. Legally an adult with a adult privileges. Make it clear to them at 16 what the siituation is. Offer guidance and support and be someone who they can talk to.

He’d be a despicable person to move countries when his older DC were 30, 32 and 34…?

He absolutely would not, but something tells me this is unlikely to happen.

You’re not anticipating grandchildren then ? Or are you planning to be one of those parents?
Considering he’s got a lot of making up to do the least you can do is support them when they have their own families to be honest.

I just can’t believe how many posters on here are saying the parents don’t have to house them after 18. I mean really?

Even if the dc agreed to all conditions in order to move in with their dad after their mum has kicked them out doesn’t change the fact the op still doesn’t want them there.

I don’t know where the step dad is in all of this but 3 possibly 4 parents/step parents and not 1 wants to help put these kids on the right path instead they are all thinking just about money. It is so sad to hear, and all the posters saying they agree with op clearly have no empathy for kids who have been failed massively by all the adults in their lives. No wonder they act up.

But it is good that a line is drawn in the sand about expectations. So well done, just keep going on like a broken record about it.

One of the neighbours has a young adult at home who just seems to be drifting. The neighbours (parents) have no idea what they did wrong as they both have a strong work ethic but he is in and out of low skilled jobs even though he has a university History degree. As dad neighbour said the issue is that his life at home with mum and dad is just way to comfortable and everything is paid for. They are struggling to get their 28 year old to leave.

Tip: the way to get them to leave is to not allow partners in your home.😉

"Ultimately I’m not looking to live with or be financially responsible for SC indefinitely, and I don’t know what that means."

You need to know 'what that means' before you have any discussion with DP. You need to decide what you will be willing to do/not do, otherwise you're susceptible to being talked round to what he thinks you should do. Or simply agreeing with what he says since you don't have a 'better idea'. You'll also need to decide and state what you expect from him as far as being the 'primary caretaker' to his DC. Caretaker as in making them obey the rules, cleaning up after them, etc etc. And you need to decide if you'll 'go nuclear' (leave) if he disagrees or doesn't carry through. Hint: he won't.

As far as your work schedule, I'd be tempted to tell him that if you DO leave you'll expect him to have the DC 'per usual' if you have to travel or work a long day, just as he does now.

I think what he said to DD1 about what was expected if she moved in was really good, but he didn't discuss the consequences of not toeing the line. As in what would happen if she agrees to these stipulations, moves, and then says "Nah, not happening" as I suspect that her mother will 'encourage' her to do.

Those children have been hugely let down by both their parents.
They have zero education nor skills, nor likely to have.
What exactly is their future going to be?
Benefits?
He has really failed them.
Do not allow his failures taint your childrens lives.