To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

Not living with them until grown up, no. But it’s definitely been said that they owe the SC support when there are DGC, because of what the dad failed to do whilst they were growing up, otherwise they would be considered ‘despicable’.

Oh I missed that. Well that’s batshit crazy! He certainly owes them practical and emotional support as young adults and help prepare them to be independent and fly the nest willingly and not because neither parent wants them the minute they turn 18. He won’t step up

And to some degree OP this has something to do with you. You had 2 more kids with a man who wasn’t doing a good job with his first 3. That was unfair to all the kids involved.

So many lazy boring tropes on this thread said either from the ‘smug married’ position of those who have never had to go through the family courts. Or those who didn’t go through the family court in these enlightened times of assumed 50/50 but 10 years ago when EOW was considered a ‘lucky’ win for a father.

Or the barely disguised vitriol of a woman whose former husband has had a new family. With the frankly banal ‘you knew he had kids when you married him’ .. (with the subtext being that the new wife MUST be an OW) and therefore her just deserts are to be the chef, nanny and maid to rude, entitled and sometimes simply ill mannered unpleasant children who would have been fed the relentless drip drip drip of poison against dad and new partner into young malleable minds 12/14days a fortnight , by that paragon of all things virtuous- the moral, principled, selfless uber mother- of- the-children ,who has been left for this obvious trollop !
Why SHOULD she be allowed to enjoy her time with her children ? . Let’s fuck it up and make mine hate their dad and new wife whilst at the same time foisting them upon him against their wishes. Used as little weekend weapons all primed and ready to pop with resentment of being ‘sent to dads’ when a) they want to stay home and go out with their mates.. and b) their mum has spent 10 years drilling into them just how hateful he and the trollop are . (The fact that a huge number of second families are NOT due to affairs doesn’t appear to stop first children’s mothers from the character assassination of the father. )
The whole thing is fucked up.

The only light on the horizon is the fact that ‘custody’ is now default 50/50. Giving fathers a real chance to maintain relationships on separation. It won’t stop parents of either sex indulging in
parental alienation and then pushing kids upon that parent and raising their hands in mock horror that fucked up kids used to score points - are awful to live with. It might flatten the playing field a bit though.

one thing is for sure . The step mother doesn’t deserve any of this shit show.

What a pile of shit 😂

I do think there is a lot of this.

It wasn’t in the first 3 children’s best interests for dad to have 2 more. OP & he ensured that a dad who isn’t great with them anyway has even less time & resources to spend on them.

And you resent them for having needs other than the needs you decided it is ok for them to have. You’ve decided to draw a line in the sand at 18 even though you know that the kids were badly let down and won’t naturally have the same coping skills as other 18 year olds.

They could potentially live with their dad if you weren’t in the picture. I never had to deal with step parents so I can’t imagine what it would be like if I needed sign off from a third person to live with my own parent.

I think this is a very wise, thoughtful answer

Without the op’s support he will not be able to maintain three young adults if they are not working.

The joys of getting with people who already have children, they is always the chance they’ll come to live at yours. You can’t only choose to have the best parts of step family life.

She can however choose to not house his adult children (so can he).

He is of course free to do so independently of OP if he wants and is able to.

Without the OP’s kids he’d be very well positioned

Would he though? Or indeed be any more inclined to?

‘OP’s kids’ - they’re also his kids. If he was concerned about being in a position to support his three existing children as adults he could have chosen not to have any more.

I always wonder that these Dads who see their children struggling, or their ex not being a very good parent, don’t utterly dedicate themselves to doing the very best they can by their existing children.

Why do they think the answer is to have more children that then make it harder to be the parent they need to be for the ones they have already created?

While flying short of advising LTB, you can see what your future might be. You and your ethic versus three young adults and your enabler husband.

I've been there ( but with one SC, not three). You need to be on the same page as your DH in having a plan to launch these three into adulthood. You also need to have an exit plan, in the event that your DH enables your SC to just move in with no plan to move on.

Doubt that very much.

Op is probably the most switched one involved. Luckily not married to him and can afford to buy him out of their current house if needs be.

Hopefully she's a quick learner

As someone who has been there - and my heart goes out to you! - start planning to divorce, while hoping you don't have to.

But.

Talk to your DH and run all the scenarios. The ones to get the first SC to hit 18 on track for training and employability, and also the ones where they decide instead to continue the pattern of no-effort living at their parents' expense that their mum has accustomed them to.

Agree with your DH some rules and a timeline for getting the first 18-y-o into employment, training, further education. Also rules about their expectations regarding household chores, and financial contributions towards their upkeep.

Agree with DH before they move in that you want to get them back on track as self- sufficient adults. If he can't agree this, get out now.

Look at options for making them homeless in the borough where you live in the event that they don't shape up, and discuss all this with DH so that he knows that, while you are prepared to help the SCs, you're not prepared to support scroungers.

Tell the first one to arrive what the deal is. Then HOLD THEM AND YOUR DH TO IT!

If your DH flakes, divorce. If your SC flakes, make them homeless and do what you need to to get them council accommodation.

With any luck, the first SC will shape up and thrive, and set the pattern for the next two. If, on the other hand, they don't like Dad's house, the other two may decide to stay put at mum's.

I reiterate, I really feel for you!

It's different these days.
I left gumtree to go to University and never went back.

My DC went to Uni. Both are early to mid twenties. They're both working, but couldn't afford to move out. We live in London, so it's not cheap.

I have friends in a similar position too.

That's a good outcome from the conversation tbh.

Seems like she was looking to doss around.

Common...having grandchildren doesn't mean you can't decide to relocate to another country. Life isn't static.. just like adult children can relocate, so can the parents.

You can't and shouldn't have you life plans dictated by adult children.

Excellent post

Sounds like progress OP. Stick to your guns. In the long run those children will only benefit from boundaries and realities.

The youngest isn't even 18 yet and you are writing them off before they've even had a proper chance at life. You chose to have your own kids with this man knowing it would be a big blended family. All your excuses of thinking they'd be off to uni, or want to be with friends more etc etc was just you hoping you'd never have to deal with them. If your partner refuses to house his children then he is a terrible father, and he is already at the bottom of the parenting barrel to begin with.

OP you said you and your DP would prefer to have more influence at an earlier age. But if they live some distance away I can see why they need to be based in one place for school.

Is there any chance of them moving to you at 16+ for college? So the older two could move now, if there's a better chance of you and DP getting them to stick to college than at their mum's? And the younger one could move after GCSEs? As you say though, DP would have to cut his work hours to ensure they get to college rather than lying in bed all day.

Also your DP's list of "house rules" are good but the SC aren't used to sticking to them and your DP isn't used to enforcing them. So why not start now?

When they come every other weekend, from your list, DP could make sure they:

• Do some studying/homework
• Stick to your sleep/wake hours
• Help around the house

This will be tough - I admit it takes a lot of nagging to get my teens to do the above, which I think is normal.

But it will give everyone a practice run. If DP can't get them to do any of this when they visit, the penny might drop about how tricky it will be to get them to do it if they move in full time.