To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

Yeah, it always make me chuckle when people say it’s not possible to have a part time job and study. I always worked whilst studying and supported myself. I have 4 A levels and a 1st class honours degree, on a course that required lots of (unpaid) clinical placements

The £150 each pays for all their clothes and toiletries at both houses, phone bills, subscriptions and things like Netflix at their mum’s, local travel at their mum’s, any trips out at their mum’s.

Like I said before, I do think because he pays so much, their mum gets away with paying basically nothing for them, and spins a narrative that dad will pay for everything. But the flip side is, if he doesn’t pay, they were going without. I used to get sick of checking their bags to see if they’ve hidden away toiletries and clothes; at least now they’re teens he just gives them the money and they manage what they need in both homes.

You’re talking about 18 year olds. Most parents in this country expect to be housing their 18 year olds, or supporting them financially if at university. I completely agree that they should be studying or working, and their father should be facilitating and encouraging that, though arguably it is more his fault than theirs that their lives haven’t turned out that way at this point. You’re being hyperbolic talking about “housing them forever” when what is being proposed is that he house them - for the first time since they were toddlers - at an age where that is completely normal and expected for British teenagers.

No way does all of that come to £150 a month per child. Absolutely ridiculous.

I am still housing my early 20s DC in London who boomerang in and out. I dont even charge rent!
But they are studying and working and help with all chores.
Everybody needs to know that kids need support a lot longer these days with rents being what they are. Have fewer kids. Unless you are loaded.

That’s what’s a shock to me I guess. I moved out at 16, DP at 18. I lived away from home for uni and had no friends who lived with family. I have only a couple of friends with children who are 18+ but they’ve all gone to uni and moved out too.

If any SC moved in, DP would need to seriously cut his hours and be there in the mornings to get them out of bed, and evenings to cook for them and so on. I’m not up for being the primary parent to workshy, rude adults.

This would mean he’d need to severely cut his hours so the money going to their mum would go down rapidly. But I guess that’s what she’s preempting anyway.

Also no wonder they want to stay at their mums if he is providing them with the money to ameliorate her crapness. What teenager wouldn't choose the slack parent if they still get to enjoy the budget of the one with rules and boundaries? Why not provide the niceties at his home and furnish her with CMS but say if they want additional funds they need to move in to his house so he can be more of an influence in their lives??

The reason is because he doesn't want to be. He has never wanted them or he wouldn't have left them. He doesn't mind throwing money at them because it means he doesn't have to put the work in to turning them into decent human beings.

Or you dp could severely reduce the amount he gives his dc every month - even reducing it by £800 a month would mean he could work less and be around for all his dc more. He wouldn’t have a problem with that would he?

Actually, read what’s written, he doesn’t pay that.
£150 pocket money is included in the £450.
Ask any parent of a teenager, whether you give it to them in cash and say there’s £150 if you’re an absent parent
Or whether it drips throughout the month with a 10 here 20 quid there, trip to the cinema, rock climbing, pizza after school it’s the same.

That wasn't the question. Not sure if you're deliberately being obtuse or really are not aware of the current housing market. 18 year olfs are not going into house shares and you've made it obvious these kids aren't going to uni, you'd be fine with them staying at home with their mum past 18 but not with dp.

Did you not think they might come back after uni? Most kids do.

DP has spoken to SD1 (on speakerphone) to clarify that:

• we won’t be moving house
• anyone moving in would be expected to be in full-time work or college, and if not, volunteering or in the town hall library studying and applying
• they’d need to keep to our hours, so no waking people up in the night or expecting DDs to be quiet whilst they sleep in the day
• they’d need to pay keep (job/study dependent) and help around the house

SD1’s exact response was “but why would I move in then?”

I’m sad, DP isn’t saying much but I can tell he’s really disappointed, and SD sounded bewildered. I really feel sorry for her, she’s not prepared for real life at all.

But it does sound like you've made progress, OP

Yes, I think so, in the short term. I don’t think SD1 will want to move here now her bubble’s been burst, to be honest, so she’s going to need to weigh up her options with her mum.

In the longer term, DP and I need to have a proper discussion about it. Ultimately I’m not looking to live with or be financially responsible for SC indefinitely, and I don’t know what that means.

I did read what’s written.The £450 is the pocket money. (3dc so £150 each) In a later post the op clarified this covers clothes/toiletries/netflix/other subscriptions/activities and travel whilst at mums house. * *I don’t know anyone who hands over £150 per month to a teenager and certainly not a teenager who costs that as per the ops list. Plus on top of that op says her dp spends circa £800-900 monthly in totisk for tech/eating out/presents for his 3dc.

I really feel sorry for her, she’s not prepared for real life at all

Because neither one of her parents has bothered to prepare her in any way.

Well you don’t know many teenagers then, as I said whether it’s in a cash deposit of £150 at a time or £10 here £20 there throughout the course of a month £150 is not an unusual amount at all.

My dc are 26, 20, 15 and 11. I know plenty of teenagers. My older 2 both got part time jobs at 16 on top of school so paid for any extras themselves. No way does my 15yr old cost £150 a month in clothes and going out.

I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

Imagine being the kind of man who thinks its not ideal for his own kids to live with him. When your two grow up I hope it won't be 'not ideal' for them to still live with you past 18 years old.

I think what living with them will mean for him, you, and your joint children has dawned on him. It’s definitely a conversation you need to have, that he knows is coming. In addition to this, he’s also likely to be expecting blowback from his ex and their shared children. While he may need a proverbial minute to process it all, he does need to deal with it head on.

Personally I would be inclined to put all my cards on the table and letting him know that you aren’t prepared to suck up and facilitate this. He can decide what he wants to do re his oldest children from there.

I can’t predict the future (clearly!) but our loose plan was that when SC are adults and DDs finish higher education (and they wouldn’t live at home for this as we don’t live close to a uni) we’d retire, travel a bit and move abroad to another country, whilst maintaining a small base in the UK.

None of that will be possible if we’re housing three adults.

@Phylllis what happens if one of your DC wants to live at home for a bit after uni, or indeed don't go to uni and want to live at home until have enough money for house deposit etc, are you going to say no?

I can predict this is unlikely to happen. The man has 5 kids!

This is not actually the point of the thread

I was responding to a poster who says I don’t know any teenagers