To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

Yep. And even worse if they are on uc an refuse to work so I get a paltry £27.50 a month

Actually @Phylllis how about this for an idea? It would mean that the DSC have to learn to look after themselves (doing their own cooking etc) and OP doesn't have to give up her calm home, but their dad can't be accused of abandoning them.

How will that work? Should he rent a 3bedroom house even though the 3 dc will be moving out separately over a period of 3-4 years? So the oldest will be living on her own at 18 for at least a year, then her next sibling will move in 1-2 years later followed by the youngest sibling 1-2 years after that? Or would the father rent a 1 bedroom flat whilst only the oldest needs it and then upgrade when 2nd one is kicked out and get a bigger place again when 3rd one is kicked out?

Maybe when they realise your aren't buying a new house with ensuite bathrooms, they'll think twice about moving in.

I think you may be right. Next time there’s any mention of moving in, I would take the opportunity to point out that as you have no plans to move, it would be very cramped! This May at least sow some seeds of doubt

DP pays £800 maintenance to their mum, £450 allowances plus uniforms and tech plus stuff like presents and meals out. Plus about £200 a month on fuel to see them, plus half of our actual housing costs. So at least £2000 a month goes directly on SC.

Renting a place for them sounds like a good idea, but if SD1 moved first, the CMS would only go down by about £150. He couldn’t afford to rent a flat and be paying £1850 a month (I don’t think many people could!)

When you planned early retirement had you planned on DP not paying for older 3 past 18?

You didn’t move near his kids so would your housing costs be drastically different without them? You might have a 3 as opposed to a 4 bed house but that doesn’t seem hugely different in a nice area.

I think what people were suggesting was find a flat and front up the deposit. But do NOT act as a guarantor.

the rent bills living expenses are on them whether it’s through work housing benefit whatever.

Now you have acknowledged that the sdc will be kicked out by their mum in a staggered manner how do you feel about oldest sdc coming to yours?

£450 a month allowances for 3 dc? Come on now OP. Why is your dp giving an allowance to the 17yr old?

You/your dp can’t complain about tech and meals out because that is your choice and shouldn’t be blamed on the sdc nor the mum when it comes to tallying up how much your dp spends. Maybe instead of throwing his money around (that he seemingly has to be at work constantly to make) your dp should actively parent?

£200 a month fuel? How many miles away do your sdc live?

Uniforms are pretty much once maximum twice a year.

Sorry I’ve got to come back to this! Your dp gives each of his 3 dc £150 a month pocket money and then you say he is always at work and your sdc are materialistic? 🤣

Renting the SC a place is a terrible idea IMO. What would that teach them? That they get given a flat, fully paid for by daddy, even though they flunked school/college and don't have jobs?

Without jobs ir a guarantor, nobody would rent then a flat, as they have no income.

He would be bank rolling them forever

Why rent a place for them?! They can rent their own place and get a job. No point in encouraging laziness and dependency

Look at what the op said. £450 a month for pocket money for 3 dc plus approx £500 a month on tech, school uniform, presents and eating out. This is why the father is not around much to parent his children because he is working all the hours to pay for the above because he is shit and taking the easiest way out. No wonder the dc are work shy and expect so much. The dad has failed them massively.

Mate, that standard for anybody that’s got teenagers.

What you’d actually be better off doing is buying a place for the kids, Then you have an investment and a safe place for them to live and know that it won’t be pulled out from under them until they’re ready to leave.

How is £150 a month pocket money standard for a 17yr old? How is £500 a month on tech, school uniform, presents and eating out standard for 3 teenagers? Some mners really do live in a completely different world if that is what they are spending 😱

No wonder the dc are unmotivated and the 17yr old is jobless if the barely there father throws money at them like this but won’t actually actively parent them

My teenagers get £20 a month pocket money and their phone bill paid (£7 each) when my oldest turned 18 he said mum can you stop the pocket money I've got a job and I don't need it. OK so he doesn't pay rent (saving for his own place eventually) but he pays for his own bills/clothes/car etc. You can house adults without allowing them to be dependant.

I agree. That’s silly money to be throwing around. I am afraid l need to agree with you; he’s throwing money at them whilst opting out of actually doing REAL parenting. Leaving their mum and step mum to do it

Jakers I'm surprised we weren't in trouble with social services. We had three kids. Once they were 16 they got weekend and school holiday jobs. They also worked for farmers at hay making times. They continued this right through university. Two in hospitality, one in farming. That money was for them to spend as they saw fit.

They still managed to revise for GCSE and A levels which some on here think is impossible.

The result they've always been good employees, not an entitled bone in their body.

I had a weekend, holiday job at 14 for Tesco. Their father at 14 in a factory. The money was lovely.

I always wonder whether this oft-trotted out pointless comment comes from one of those crap mothers like the one the OP is dealing with.

I’d expected things like help with a wedding or a deposit, a few hundred pounds a month through higher education, maybe a termly online shop and bailing out if they needed it. I didn’t expect DP would be housing them, or routinely paying out thousands forever.

He could start by saying that there's no pocket money at all unless they are in full time education with good attendance and passing their exams. He is spineless

But if you get together with someone who already has children there is always a possibility that they could end up living with you due to ill health, disability or death. Or…their mum kicking them out.

Exactly! And stop monthly meals out and monthly tech and monthly presents - that would save him hundreds! Unfortunately it would mean he would have to parent so he probably wouldn’t go for that