To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

"I’ve told him I’m not leaving our nice town and DDs aren’t changing schools. I’m not taking out a bigger mortgage and delaying my retirement to accommodate SC in being lazy adults. I’m not being the one left with managing SC and DDs all day whilst he’s out at work, and I can’t WFH downstairs when they’re here so SDs will need to share a room."

well done, you have though of many things I would not have thought of. I think stick to your guns. I hope your husband can understand.

So your husband has left them in a neglectful environment for 12 years only seeing them once a fortnight?

Fuck me. You are saying a 14yr old is unlikeable, unemployable and they will amount to nothing. I hope to god one adult in their life steps up for them and at least tries to set them up on the right path. Jesus Christ. I can’t believe you wrote those those things about 3 kids under the age of 18 who already know their mum doesn’t want them and will soon find out their dad and step mum doesn’t either. They are acting up probably because they know both their parents only give a shit about money and not actually about them

You are a nice and thoughtful person OP. Your DP wants an easy life now but both of you and his DC will end up with big troubles ahead. I can't understand what people think at times.

I think the OP and her DP would have been happy for them to spend more time at theirs, or move in, at age 14 or younger.

The problem is they don't want to. They're planning to stay at mum's till they're 18 and have failed their exams

Blame their mum, they could of moved in with OP and their dad but the mum likes the benefit money a bit to much to let them go and give them a head start now.

Tbh it sounds like he’d struggle to find a place big enough to house all of his children without you. He would also, I imagine, struggle to afford all the things they envision getting. I’m sure he’s aware of this too.

You absolutely can say no to this (he can as well, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he does just that once the reality sinks in). Well done for telling him what you have already.

So the dad gets away Scot free? He still pays for his 17yr olds mobile rather than parent her and tell her to get a job! He has failed his dc as much as the mum.

Op - I know I, and a couple of posters, suggested you had your dp live separately temporarily so he can house his daughters but honestly- I would run away from him. He has proven himself to be useless. Like the pp said - he will end up being equally shit to you and your dc.

No. The mum has said she is kicking them out at 18. Very different.
So the eldest is kicked out, then a year or 2 later dc 2 is kicked out and then a year or 2 after that dc 3 is kicked out. People are talking as though all 3 will be kicked out at the same time - but the op has only said once they are 18 and if the mum is all about the money then surely she won’t let a child go whilst she still gets money for them? So the ‘unlikeable unemployable’ 14yr olds is going to watch the older siblings get kicked out (on their 18th?) and see a glimpse into their own future. What a sad state of bloody affairs. Makes me glad I decided never to date a man with children (before I had my own) and now I have my own never to date a man with young children because I have yet to see a blended family that works and doesn’t neglect the dc from the first relationship

They are ‘moving in’ when they are 18. @Phylllis needs to strike now and prevent it.

It only goes up a few % per child

CMS basic rates (gross weekly income)

• 1 child: 12%
• 2 children: 16%
• 3 or more children: 19%

so 225 for one would be £361 for 3 kids

my friend gets 400 for 3 from her ex who is slightly over nmw

so getting 800 would mean ex wouid be on around £4k a month so £48k a year ish

They will move in staggered so only 1 at first - they could use that as an opportunity to put boundaries in place and set an example to the the younger 2. They won’t because the op has made it clear she doesn’t want them there (not judging op - just stating facts)

OP what would you do if mum died suddenly? Leave them to their step dad? Let them move in? Move out yourself?

Cms rates are so low and so many men want thanks for paying the bear minimum.

So the step kids constantly had nits, weren't reading, were, and still are, failing school, regularly turning up to school unwashed in filthy clothes, weren’t sleeping as their mum had friends round a lot, screens in rooms so gaming all night - and the OP believes maybe if their Dad hadn’t made their life at their mum’s so comfortable, they’d have developed more of a work ethic or moved in with them?! All whilst he fucks off to procreate twice more, still unable to parent on the measley time he spends with his kids, and is too busy planning for his early retirement?

The bar is so low, even an ant couldn't limbo under it. Got to be a wind up.

It’s sounds like DH is able to be a support parent if someone else manages the situation for him. The OP is doing that for the younger two.

For the older ones it seems neither mum nor dad are able to be the lead parent as such.

In fairness to DH he has provided financial support, and they have rooms in his house.

But they were so young when he left the family home. They’ve since been neglected fairly badly by the sounds of things. And 3 more children have been added into the mix. And they probably are being wound up by their mother about what they are entitled to, and they don’t understand that the offer of living with their dad was for a certain time of their lives.

The problem is nobody actually parented them so they are at a huge disadvantage. Clearly they went physically well cared for, no one took an interest in their education aside from the OP’s bi-weekly efforts and no one put boundaries in place when they really needed them.

They need support now or they’ll be a lost cause. If not up to the OP to provide it but DH should step up.

if a child turned up at my kids school like this they’d stand out a mile and alarms bells would be going off all over the place.

Fair enough DH went to court and made it clear they were welcome in his house, but he seems to have lived 2 hours away. And most importantly he didn’t do what he needed to do when the kids were actually with him.

It has to be a joint decision between you and your husband as it affects not only both of you but also your children too. It should not be a default option for them all to just bundle into your house and freeload!

Absolutely this. It doesn't sound like your existing house is big enough (this might actually be helpful) and when they realise you won't/can't buy a bigger house, I do wonder if that may change things?

So the practical limitations may actually work in your favour. But please reassure me your DP has no intention of buying a bigger house???

£800 for three children are you actually taking the piss? Wow
8 pound per child per day no wonder she’s living the viva Loca 🤣🤣
You couldn’t feed a teenager with that

Just a reminder that it’s the job of both parents to finance the children, not just the father

🙄 apparently the mother is on benefits, so that’s already taken care of ….
But Come on 8 pounds a day

Luckily the op is not married to him.

I’m sure the dad neglects all his dc, but the op covers for him with the ones they had together.

They are talking about how you need to sell your house, move closer etc etc. ENTITLED.
Doss at your luxurious house and you become their skivvy and food provider will suit them and your partner just fine.
Im screaming inside NOOOOOOO. No negotiation. Not happening. At first sign it is happening you be gone...with your kids. He can live in the s*hole he created.

Do not listen to people who say ...oh if they get a job or jump through certain hoops then yes.
Once they are in, that's the beginning of the end for your relationship.

OP, have you made it clear you really couldn’t live like that?