To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

I know! 25 years ago I got cms minimum for 1 child and that was £225 - and he wasn’t a high earner

Neither parent are a great benchmark

@sittingonabeach I'm not suggesting that the Op expected them to go to uni and never return again, I'm saying that before rents and house prices became so high a lot more young adults didn't automatically come back home after uni, they set up home in house shares or flats and lived independent lives.

I'd seriously walk away.

These kids were 2, 4 and 5 when she met him a hell of a long way from independent lives.

Think you will find cms and the courts disagree on that. Certainly from my experience of them both. School trips/uniforms are often seen as extras unless the monthly maintenance was raised to take these into account and it was made clear to both parties.

Phones are a choice not an essential and if the 17yr old wants one why are they not working to pay for it? Why is your dp? Your dp is paying because throwing money at the situation is easier for him than actual parenting.

And why didn’t DP move nearer them as they got older when he could have seen his kids independently.

The mum's had to house them. Teens are very expensive to feed! How big is her current house?

I haven’t read the full thread but I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. You have hit the nail on the head - they are adults. And lazy ones by the sounds of it. I’m not saying they should be getting their own places at this stage but it does seem very unfair that the mother has kept them throughout their childhood, raised them very badly then as soon as child support stops decides they are your problem.

Regardless they are still your husbands kids but if they do move in I would be setting some very clear rules straight away.

@teawithjamandbread2 they are 14,16 and 17, not sure that counts as adults.

In short their father’s contract with them was every second weekend & holidays. When the OP tried to get him to enforce boundaries with the 3 kids he didn’t.
DM sounds like a disaster but the kids ending up like this is not entirely down to her. And what if it was? Should their father just shrug and wash his hands of his own kids. The ones he hasn’t like with since they were all tiny.

Regardless of if you are being unreasonable, you are within your rights to say no. My own experience is it is difficult to motivate teens who don't want to work. Maybe help them to apply for part time jobs near their mums now.

@the7Vabo this post from the Op is what I was refering to, I'm sure when the DSC were small the Op hoped they'd all be in a very different situation by now. Surely no DP or DSP hopes the DC will grow up and want to do nothing with their lives

Or, more accurately, two parents “mess up” the children and then one of them takes responsibility for them when that parent no longer has to provide financial support.

The Mum in the situation didn’t mess the children up any more than their Dad did, and if he chose not to step up earlier then he can now reap the reward of his parenting efforts.

It would be bad enough if we were talking about ONE young adult, lacking in motivation, moving in, but three?????

I saw that.
The OP seems to be frustrated at the kids, their Mum and her DP but not herself.
I just understand how anyone could have kids with someone with 3 kids and assume it was going to go a certain way. If I met a man with 3 kids I would be out of there faster than my legs could carry me. 3 kids equals a hell of a lot of responsibility including financial. And that’s only the start.
I wouldn’t have been thinking oh well they’ll be gone at 18, because I wouldn’t have hung around that long & im not sure I know anyone who would.

There's a difference between expecting them to be gone and them moving in full time with no notice. As they'd shown no previous interest in living with dad, I think it was fair to expect that to continue.

I think there are still plenty of teenagers who after full time education do essentially move out for at least most of the year. So there's a huge difference between expecting them home a few weeks several times a year around holidays and being there full time (by the sounds with no job or education so literally just in the house all day every day)

Have your children had swimming lessons just out of interest ?

The fact that these poor little souls are now expressing some zest for life and interest in learning Any skill should be embraced wholeheartedly.
And paid for immediately by their father.

Ultimately DH is their parent. I think all you can do is talk to him about the challenges you are having right now and steps you can take to enforce boundaries in your own home right now. If you start by working together on these you can discuss how to develop those strategies if they move in and that they will only be moving in if you are happy that your own boundaries are being respected and that he is able to manage conflicts in the house with your support. If he can't do that 1. They won't be moving in 2. You will have to re-evaluate your own relationship with him

@the7Vabo I'm with you on that. I went out with someone many years ago who turned up to a date with his two sons, both under 10. He hadn't said he had DC, not a word. I broke up with him very quickly after that

Lucky escape.

What, like their father? Being a parent doesn't mean stepping back, leaving it all to mum whilst you critises but do fuck all to sort it out.

op as someone who has two out of four kids that don’t read a lot and years ago had continuous problems with nits in the house I hate your list of why their mum is obviously not parenting!!Saying that I do think it’s a bit strange they assume they’ll jump ship at 18, while a lot of older children live at home now, it’s so odd this is when they want to move!!

I'd be looking to buy my own place, OP.
I sold my house to move in with my then DP and a year later his 19-year old daughter and her boyfriend moved in (having been kicked out by her mum and then his parents). Daughter had dropped out of college 3 times, was bone idle, unemployed (20+ years later she still is but I digress...) It was an absolute nightmare.

If your DP is prepared to continue paying equivalent kind of sums he could rent a house for them and give them due warning it is for a time limited period whilst they put themselves through college. I can forsee problems at the end of that period but if they don't shape up that's on them by their early 20s. You shouldn't have to be their skivvy, OP.

Just say you're NOT doing any of that!
Their mother knows how to stir doesn't she and only now does he get it
You don't want them, tell him that they'll have to sort themselves out
They'll probably not amount to anything, but it's already obvious they're assuming ensuite bathrooms and luxurious living surroundings in an enormous house with money thrown in
They probably assume that between him and you you'll financially make up for 'lost time' and they'll be on easy street forever
All I can say to you is stick to your guns
They're not employable
Don't sound likeable
It's all his problem
Not yours, none of it, so stop breaking your own back trying to cushion theirs
Another thing:-
If you had been percieved as a much less nicer more tougher person when you got together
Would any of this have occurred?