To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

I do have sympathy for stepmums. Seems like the hardest job in the world! ( I am not one)
I just don't see any solution other than the OP living separately until the stepkids grow up.

This is very clear and realistic advice for OP.

They’d been looking up houses and sending them to him.

And he hadn't immediately put them right? Your DP seems to have attained whole new levels of parental uselessness.

He expects things to turn out fine because that's what it suits him to believe. It means he doesn't have to do anything. "We" means "you" not "him", or maybe "we" want things but only you actually do them.

I’ve said if they’re not in full-time college or working they need to be out ‘helping’ him which he’s baulked at, saying they don’t have the right skillset.

Of course they don't have the right skillset, did he expect them to acquire these skills by magic?

That's the decider. He's not willing to make any effort with his children at all. None. Zero. It's all on you.

You might as well take DDs and go.

Doesn't take into account half the holidays though.

There are so few properties to rent and landlords aren't keen on taking on tenants on benefits.

One by one they went to live with their mum. I would now be divorced had they not.

With firm clear boundaries and expectations …. From the op NOT THEIR DAD AS HE’S TOO LAZY TO PARENT.
that would be a fuck no from me.

We didn’t have much time to talk last night, but he was shocked and confused that they expect us to buy a bigger house. Apparently SD1 was also alluding to new hobbies she’s going to try and that she’d be getting swimming lessons?

When they were children, and we discussed them moving in, we did say we might need to move house and that they’d be able to take up new hobbies if they were with us on weeknights… But that was when they’d be children, not 18+.

It’s all quite bizarre. DP is going to speak with SD1 separately because she does have a history of taking things literally. I didn’t put this earlier because it’s not really relevant but she has some very questionable views on feminism and gender roles, wholly obtained through TikTok and YouTube, and does seem to think it’s DP’s job to pay for her until she gets married. I find her ‘debates’ on the matter tedious and ignorant but I’m sure I was an insufferable teen too! I get the impression she thinks I’m slightly dim for working.

@Phylllis your sd’s level of entitlement is off the scale. Looking down on you for working? Wtf? The first thing I taught my daughters is the need to work hard and be successful and they have to outperform males ( due to the flawed and unfair way women are treated un the workplace).
Taking up swimming lessons? I feel a bit sad for her as she prob wasn’t given the opportunity as a child and stems back to her neglectful childhood.

I feel so sorry for those kids, but they can't just be dumped on OP at age 18 with no qualifications or work ethic, on top of OP's job and other young children.

If their dad is going to house them, support them in finding college or jobs, and ensure they pull their weight at home, then there needs to be a concrete plan for how dad (not OP) is going to do this on a practical day-to-day basis.

If they move into OP's house with OP, this will land on OP.

Having read @Phylllis update - you need to sort out the room issue asap - preferably over Christmas. Make it known to SC as well. Your DC need a room each as they are in the house all the time. This will help send a clear signal that you are putting your foot down.

Quick and decisive action required.

The other option is for your partner to move out. It is not your job to make up for the shit parenting of others.

Why do you dc who live 24/7 with you share a room while the ate dc who have their own rooms at mums also have own rooms at dads

they need to share - whichever sex so 3 rooms go to 2 and your kids get their own room

it’s a rough choice but dh won’t support you as hasn’t the past decade an you need to decide whether to stay or split

Op, you mention SEN leads. Do your stepchildren have additional needs/ disabilities? The reason I ask is to help me understand if the reason they're the way they are is a result of that, parenting, or a mix of both. If dh's ex was left to raise 3 children with SEN, alone (more or less), then it's not unreasonable for her to expect some input from their father. It could also explain what you likely perceive as neglect on her part.

Either way, I think you have (not unreasonably) come to the conclusion that having them live with you full time is untenable. In which case, what is your plan? The way I see it, your dh is the one with the responsibility here. He is not unreasonable in saying his children can live with him. But he's unreasonable to expect you to go along with it. You cannot and should not be expected to be treated like the hired help in your own home, SEN or no SEN.

It’s a choice. If you marry a man who has kids they will come first and his ex will be in your life to some degree. If you marry a man without kids you & your kids are his priority.
I feel some sympathy for anyone in a difficult situation, but most MN threads are SM not wanting to deal with SC or bio mums wanting their children to be treated same as other grandchildren.
A mess basically and a fairly foreseeable one.

I feel sad for her too. I think she’s quite delusional at this point and real life is going to be a harsh awakening.

Over the years, their mum has directed them to their dad for basically everything and in my opinion, they see him (and by extension me) as someone who can and should unquestioningly fund everything. I’ve said to DP for years that he needs to find a balance and sometimes say no to them, or direct them back to their mum. He finds it very hard to see them go without when it comes to things like school trips. But maybe if he hadn’t made their life at their mum’s so comfortable, they’d have developed more of a work ethic or moved in with us.

Does she work? If not, the loss of maintenance is going to be a blow for her.

They don’t have any diagnosed SEN. We have asked on various occasions for one or other of them to be assessed for dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD, and arranged eyesight and hearing tests for them. Nothing was found.

SD1 had quite a lot of time off school with anxiety when she was about 14 but again nothing diagnosed or treated formally.

The Op expected her DSC to go to uni then want to make their own way in the world, even 20 years ago that would have been a pretty reasonable assumption, she couldn't have foreseen house prices and rents rising making it more likely her DSC would look to stay with a parent for years after leaving school. Maybe if @Phylllis had known she'd never have taken up with a man with DC

No she doesn’t work, she lives with a partner who does. Maintenance is £800 a month plus DP pays for their school and college uniforms and a £150 monthly allowance each for phones, clothes, travel and so on.

I don’t know what benefits she gets.

That's a healthy amount of CM. Is that the CMS calculated amount or more?

@Daleksatemyshed even if you go to uni you still need somewhere to live during holidays, DS is at uni and is home nearly half the year.Also would need help with finance.

Many graduates come back to live at home now after uni until they can afford to live elsewhere and that fact has been in the news for quite a few years now. And why should it be the mum who always has to accommodate them.

How is him paying for that things “making their life at their mum’s so comfortable”. It seems fairly standard for a parent to pay for a school trip?

Because she doesn’t contribute to anything like that, and from my perspective, the £800 should go towards it.

£800 doesn’t seem like a massive amount for 3 kids . What is it supposed to cover?
She isn’t a great benchmark anyways by the sounds of things.

Great your dp was concerned about paying for school trips but less concerned about actively parenting his dc in the very limited time he has them.

I feel very sorry for step mums - imagine finding yourself in this situation and then having to be faced with the fact that you too gave your dc a useless father? That he’s only a ‘good’ father to your own dc because you are around.

These threads always demonise the mum who has been left with the dc. People will now jump on her for probably being on benefits but yet that is actually what posters are encouraging the 3 dc to do!

@Phylllis how long until the 1st dc turns 18? And how long after that the 2nd and 3rd?