To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

I think the dad does have an obligation to house them and help them get on track with their lives. It sounds like he hasn't and just blames their mum for them 'not turning out right'. Now's his chance to step up and actually do some parenting.

He's got five kids - FIVE! But only appears to feel he has any responsibility to parent two of those. This attitude really irritates me.

But at the rate the SC are progressing, they will be paying that rent forever or just 'making them homeless' further down the line, when they'll likely be completely embedded in their lazy habits.

It's a sad situation but it sounds as though your DH won't be enforcing the boundaries that would need to be in place to have the remotest chance of this working. It's not only wrong that should fall to you, but you also won't be able to be effective in changing their behaviours if dad's not on board. They already disrespect you by the sound of things.

Let this be their first wake up call that not making an effort in life has consequences. Yes it's not their fault they had a shit custody situation, but you won't be doing them any favours if you enable the path they're on further.

And someone has to think of your kids.

But legally she can do exactly that. She will have been paying the lion's share of the expenses of looking after them, including housing them, for years. She's right, it IS their dad's turn now. She won't be getting any help for them once they've turned 18 and she wants to downsize. Why is looking after THEIR kids just her problem and not their dad's?

Is there no possibility of staying with your DH but living separately for a few years whilst his kids get on their feet?

If the alternative is you leaving anyway then it looks like in no scenario are you keeping your family home so could you sell and get two smaller homes?

Or offer some financial support to have SC’s living alone at 18? They’ll be entitled to sign on and will get housing paid etc so maybe if he reverts the money he paid his ex for child support for each of them to supplement UC they could start looking for work etc?

They are not adults! They are 14,16 and 17 and are already being prepped by their mum that at 18 they will no longer have a home with her. Regardless that they will be adults when she kicks them out (1 by 1 over a period of a few years) they are having to deal with that knowledge now - and however they present in their behaviour this is going to have a massive impact on them mentally, emotionally and what life choices they make. The youngest is also going to have to watch her oldest sibling kicked out and see how they manage, followed a year or so later by her next oldest sibling kicked out and see how they do - all the time knowing this is coming for her too. How can anyone say this is ok?

I think living separately from dp is the best option for his dc and op. It won’t happen because dp will not put his children first and never has done.

Universal credit is exactly that universal. It doesn’t vary by area at all. You’re talking nonsense.

Once entitlement has been established they might receive more if they lived in London but the entitlement threshold is the same.

What about the OP’s role in this? OP got involved with DH when he had very very young children and three at that. His priority should have been those children. Then she has two more with him when it’s seems fairly clear he’s not a brilliant dad.

To be fair to her it sounds as it’s she has made an effort with the children. But there isn’t nearly enough recognition of what DH’a responsibilities were. He let those children down many times including by having more children when he sounds like he is only able to be the back-up parent when his first kids don’t have a decent primary parent.

It isn’t extraordinary at all for young adults to live with their father. Of course the OP won’t like it I wouldn’t either. But I’d also never have childen with a man who had 3 already for this reason.

She will be contributing support for them or cutting them off altogether? No doubt if they do turn their lives around once they are living in a caring household she will expect to be on the front row for any awards ceremonies with their step mother staying away as it not be her business!

Feast your eyes on this. Local housing allowance rates, by area. It is my solem duty to inform you that they are not all the same!

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/universal-credit-local-housing-allowance-rates-2025-to-2026

14, 16, 17 years old....you have time.

Start by deciding your dd need their own rooms, and the sc can share when they spend the 2/14 days with you.

Pocket money if given now relate to chores done. Put up a clear schedule of chores with a weekend rosta for all the children. No chores no £.

Tell dp he either steps up and starts parenting his sc or you up and leave.

And mean it. No way would I be taking these adults on.

The local housing allowance rates have no influence on whether you would be entitled to universal credits.
They make a difference once entitlement has been granted as to the amount of money that one might receive but it Has no bearing on the original entitlement

The fact that they will be adults when they move in is the whole point. That's what the whole thing is based on. Jesus wept.

Legally he can also say No too...

They wanted the kids years ago, she said no, she just doesn't want them when they turn 18 as she will stop getting benefits for them and start costing her money. Grim, just using her kids to get benefits.

If she wants to kick them out as adults, that's on her. That doesn't mean the OP has to open her doors to lazy adults.

And yet you still haven't provided any source for your claim that these young adults will definitely only get their wages, because after all you didn't get UC. Turn2Us, who know better than you, take a different view.

The lesson to take here is that rather than rely on internet claims from someone who doesn't understand that their UC assessment has no bearing on anyone else, it's best to go to the professionals. There are decent calculators that can be used and organisations that know what they're talking about.

Well neither parent 'has' to look after THEIR OWN CHILDREN once they turn 18. But, morally, I'm sure we agree that somebody has to - and why is the assumption that it has to be the mum? No doubt the dad has paid the bare minimum for them as well as doing what sounds like the bare minimum of parenting.

I don't have much sympathy for stepparents. The OP married this man, knowing he already had three kids, and, like nearly every other stepparenting thread on MN, is now moaning at the idea of having any more than the absolute bare minimum to do with them.

The calculators are often incorrect as many people would allude to on here and other Internet forums

The facts are available for all to find on Google.
Single adults with two working arms and legs will receive absolutely sod support Outside of their family.

The original poster has made no reference to disabilities, She’s now no mention of them being in care at any stage. And therefore we can all conclude they have their families or nothing.
And the outcome of their lives will be reflected accordingly.

Not sure why you want to die on this particular Hill but Merry Christmas to you. I hope you’ve made a donation to crisis as your penance.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

That being said, it sounds like moving in with you and their dad, with firm clear boundaries and expectations would do them the world of good. With the understanding of rules and boundaries are ignored, they move out.

They're more likely to be correct than someone who thinks their own personal UC calculation can be applied to any random member of the population, shows no understanding that owners and renters are treated differently when it comes to benefits and reckons that googling something must make it true. Talk about Dunning Kruger!

Again, get good advice on benefit entitlements, and do not listen to the vague and poorly informed insistence of someone who has clearly demonstrated they don't understand even the basics.

Sure. But who’s creating/enforcing those boundaries? Nothing in OPs posts suggests that Dad is doing anything more than blowing in the wind and agreeing with the last person he spoke to (including kids).

I think to be fair the OP does seem to have made an effort to a point.

But overall I find MN’s full of “step parents can’t win”, they can’t, nor should they expect to. If you marry a man who already has children it is not going to be easy. Why not pick a man who doesn’t have kids and keep it straightforward rather than have kids with a man who has 3 and not want to deal with the messy bits.

His kids are not OP’s priority but they should be his. And he has grossly complicated the situation by having 2 more when his first kids lives are mess. Not uncommon and v v sad.

👍
Why you would want to push this responsibility onto the taxpayer anyway is a whole separate thread when they have a father who is apparently looking forward to enjoying early retirement at the expense of five children that needs supporting.

I have to agree with this.
It looks to me as if OP's partner's ex has deliberately weaponized the children so that they can sabotage the life that he has built with OP

Making assumptions the father has paid the bare minimum when you actually dont know that.

Hes offered to have the KIDS full time but the mum doesn't want that as she cant scrounge via benefits without them.

It also sounds like the Mum has done bare minimum parenting as they are all failing.

No one really cares if you have sympathy for SP either, its not relevant.