To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

He couldn’t have done anything then that’s entirely understandable and the court’s decision is the court decision

However, what he does now is critical

People who don’t live at home beyond 18 and 19 go to university
That’s how they managed to survive for those three years and then previously you would leave university at 21 with a shiny degree and either go travelling with the money bestowed to you by your parents on your 21st birthday or you would find yourself a lovely graduate role, Where you might have to either live with parents for six months while you cobbled together the money for a shared house
Or if it was the late 90s, you could just go and buy a house
Those options are simply not available now.
People who left school at 16 my uncle for example lived at home until he was nearly 35
My father when he got divorced at 27 moved straight back home and stayed there until he was 38

Very true. If the mum dropped dead tomorrow you could find yourself with all 3 step dc at once rather than gradually.

The idea that dc leave home at 18yrs these days is very odd to most of us. Yes some go to uni, but still need a base to come back to. Getting on the property ladder is hard even for those in their 20s and renting is not easy either - at 18 who has built up a decent credit score or earning enough to afford that? Yes there are flat shares and I don’t know where you live but they are more scarce/unsuitable for those who live in villages/medium sized towns.

Could you live separately from your dp during the period the step dc need to live with your dp? That would span a period of approx 5 years minimum - 1st dc moves in at 18, next moves in 1-2yrs later and the 3rd 1-2yrs later again (depending on when their 18ths are) Then your dp could maybe offer them 2-3yrs grace of living with him to give themselves to sort themselves out? So maybe 8 years? (Though even that is hard) In the mean time you can continue to give themselves positive affirmations to your dc and raise them how you wish without all this. I’m sure you would say that’s not fair on your dc but let’s be honest - his dc need some input right now. Can you imagine how they must feel knowing there is a ticking time bomb on where their home is? For all their bravado of looking at properties etc and listening to the crap their mum spouts they will have struggles deep down (that could well be causing them to act up) knowing that none of the adults in their lives want them living with them. It would be interesting to see how your dp would cope - or does he just expect the mothers of his 5 dc to do all the grunt work?

As an aside - it is ridiculous that maintenance ends at 18. How many 18yr olds are financially independent? Even if they have a part time job whilst studying how many could afford to pay their way?

Wtaf. Mum is a cheeky cow! Kicking out her dc when they reach 18!!
Is she on benefits and they will stop at 18?

Because he doesn't see it as having five children at all. He had three with his first partner, and then when their sexual relationship ceased he stopped taking any responsibility for them. On to the shiny new woman and the shiny new kids. Two entirely compartmentalised eras of his life. Chickens, roost.

They won't stick to it though

Surely they’ll be moving in bit by bit as they turn 18?

What I don’t understand is why you’re so blindsided by this? Surely you wouldn’t throw your own kid or kids (depending on this or the other thread) out once they turn 18?

Your partner has been a shit dad to these 2 or 3 kids. I wouldn’t have got with him in that scenario but that ship has sailed. And I don’t understand why you had 1 or 2 more kids with him knowing he was such a shit dad.

Wtaf - man keeps having children despite not parenting them properly. It’s up to mum and step mum to sort out because the dad is shit.

If she is on benefits with the ages of the dc likely it is long term sickness/disability so why hasn’t the dad stepped up more?

If she is working that doesn’t mean she is in a highly paid job and can suddenly magically up extra money whilst the dad gets to stop financially contributing once they turn 18 and CB stops.

I just wanted to say well done for putting your foot down OP. I wasnt going to comment until I saw the update about moving house to get en suites! WTF!! I cant believe you're being expected to uproot your home and life to accommodate these entitled young adults.

Doing nothing to address a parasite infestation in your children is straight-up neglect. Everyone gets nits occasionally but not dealing with it promptly is neglect and I'd contact SS if I observed it in my children's school. Wouldn't you??

Nope. The actual children in your family need the stability of their normal homelife. The adult children need support to launch. Babying the adult children would not be in their best interests. The adult children can be supported appropriately emotionally, practically and financially without them moving in with you. They can balance getting minimum wage jobs and trying again with some form of education/training and live in a house share. Your partner could contribute towards their rent for an agreed set time to make this possible. Maybe he should start saving up now. You can help them claim any benefits they'd be entitled to. You can help them source second hand furniture. You can have them round every weekend for a proper meal. You can advise them and commiserate with them. You can be their cheerleader. They do not need to live with you post 18

One of the “adult children” is currently 14.

The “actual children” seem to have a very nice home life while DH’s first 3 children are being referred to social services.

Adding 2 more children to this man’s life was not a good idea. He would be in a better position to support the first 3 without the additional cost and demands on his time.

And he’s planning early retirement! He has 5 children! 3 of whom clearly need additional support to get a start in the world. He needs to step up big time or make peace with the facts that his children will not have good lives as adults because they didn’t have the stable childhood required for that.

There are no adult children currently. The youngest step dc is just 14 and already knows her mum is kicking her out when she turns 18 with no confirmation that the dad and step mum will welcome them or even help them. Can you imagine knowing that at 14?!

Thought I gave a good idea, but this is actually better. Maybe BEST IVE SEEN. Also removes the rest for your children of disturbance at home!!

does it sound more manageable if you realise that they wont all be coming at the same time? you will only have the oldest one for at least the first year. Enforce the boundaries and rules - if she doesnt like it then it will put off the others from coming. If she conforms and pulls up her socks then it proves that it can be done and you can be proud that you have helped them turn their life around.

Quite a few of us have referenced this but op doesn’t respond.

The future 'adult children' are currently 14, 16 and 17. Their mother has said she doesn't want them when they turn 18.

I know that my 14yo sometimes gets anxious about where he'll live long term (special needs). His Dad won't have him even now, so of course I've said he can stay as long as he needs. Which may be forever, but hopefully he can be at least somewhat independent in the future.

All that to say, these kids obviously sense that you don't want them living with you once they leave their mums. I wonder how you'd feel if you and your DH split and, for whatever reason, you couldn't/wouldn't house your DC beyond 18yo. Would you be happy for him to turn them away? No?

Assuming they would not all be moving in at the same time, only when they turn 18…

Eldest SC gets a room if they move in but need to share with at least 1 sibling on contact days.

Agree with DH timelines & expectations BEFORE they move in and be strict on those.
Eg they must be attending college and / or working, even part time, within 6 months of moving in. If by that stage, if they haven’t got sorted or you haven’t seen any real drive to do so, they will be asked to either return to Mum’s or you will support them with a deposit for a rental flat / house share and they will need to move out.

When living with you as adults you will support them with the minimum - they’ll be housed, fed, provided with basic toiletries etc. If they want expensive makeup / money to go out / clothes / driving lessons, other than necessary basics, they’ll need a job! My mum refused to give me any money when I started wanting to go out at weekends, I soon got a job!!

The younger 2 will soon learn you mean what you say, as will DH. Be very, very clear before agreeing to anything that it is his job to sort them out, make sure they are respectful of the shared space and deal with any issues that arise, otherwise he’ll be looking for somewhere else to live with his DC.

So because parents can’t be arsed to parent they can look forward to a minimum wage job and benefits at 18? wtf? We all see how people on benefits are treated in this country. Yes there are a few who will claw their way out but let’s be honest - 3 dc getting minimum wage jobs, claiming benefits and living in a house share, not because it is their choice but because no parent or step parent will fucking be there for them - chances of all 3 growing up to be even moderately successful, emotionally healthy and contributing members of society are very small!

And a 14yr old is definitely an ‘actual’ child. People will argue whether the 16 or 17 yr olds are or not. Regardless they know they are not wanted by anybody and that will have long term impact on them.

The Mum does sound awful, really awful, but I think your DH could have done more to get them living with him younger.

It’s horrible that she’s kicking them out to “downsize” as soon as they will no longer bring in maintenance and CB for her.

I would look into splitting with your DH tbh if he entertains this - and of course he will because he has the space (technically).

What a nightmare situation. I agree parenting doesn't stop at 18, but OP can't be expected to start parenting at 18, especially having offered to parent them as children and being told no.

While it's easy to say "they have to get a job / go to college / do chores", the reality is they won't. Neither parent has been able to make them do this for 18 years. OP doesn't have a chance of making them stick to this, whilst also working and parenting two younger kids.

If I was OP I'd be making it very clear that I will not be living full time with 3 young adults with no qualifications or job prospects. If that happens I would be moving out.

Options might be:

• They stay at mum's and can continue to visit every other weekend if they wish

• DP helps them find and finance a flat share

• DP moves in with them, and OP and the two younger kids live separately.

If he's no longer paying maintenance he could maybe also offer financial incentives to his kids, e.g. £x per month/term at college with good attendance, £x for getting a job or training (as well as practical/emotional support of course).

I'd make it clear now though that OP won't be living with them full time, as the kids clearly think they will be coming, and that's not fair on them.

I am going to repeat my suggestion that you and dp live separately whilst he does all he can to change the trajectory of the lives dc1,2 &3. It will also be interesting how he is as a dad for dc4 & 5

Financial support doesn’t end 18 if they remain in education so it’s actually in the original poster’s best interest to get these kids to pass their GCSE’s first time
And they’re a levels because if they need to retake them up to a level three course, her “DH” will be paying until they’re 20.

I think I would pass the info onto the school if I could genuinely tell it was likely the children weren't being treated. The school would be in a better place to speak to parents about repeated infestations. They are more likely to know / can chat about whether the family keep getting unlucky but have treated the kids, or whether there are any particular reasons it is hard to treat (my DC are severely autistic and have never had nits, I'm dreading it as treating them will be an ORDEAL).

It's very unlikely I would make a referral straight to Social Care. Also, sadly, I mean I think Social Care have bigger fish to fry...

I never said any of that was good parenting BTW, just not really social care level.

Before OP added the bit about the fact that the children were unwashed in filthy clothes (fairly clear indicator of likely or potential neglect), it was interesting to read that Social Services had been invited to be involved (but notably declined) due to nits and poor schoolwork.

reaches for stepparenting thread bingo card, crosses off the 'you knew' box 🙄

I agree. Op can say she resolutely will not live with the step dc and draw that line in the sand now.
Dp and Op can live separately whilst he finally parents properly his dc who have been neglected for years.

But also financing flat shares will be £££ (remember the dc aren’t being kicked out at the same time - there is a 3-4 year period) even with the dp stopping maintenance each time one turns 18 it would surely cost more to fund their own places? Maybe he should rethink his early retirement