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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad that I’m the only person in my household who would enjoy a fancier Christmas meal?

165 replies

IndolentCat · 14/12/2025 18:31

I love food. OH sees it as fuel. I said will we have a little starter on Christmas (just a raw fennel and orange salad, with or without smoked fish, it’s lovely and very light). He said neither he nor his mum will want it because Christmas dinner is large- but actually we are only having a normal roast and no pudding because his mum has said she’s not interested in puddings (I’m cooking, but at hers). I just thought it would be nice to do something a bit fancier to mark the occasion, but they’re not at all interested.

I could make it just for me (OH’s suggestion) but really, what would be the point? Just feeling a bit sad that I am unlikely to every have a Christmas dinner or any meal which has more of a sense of occasion.

(OH has social anxiety and I don’t have any other family, he just has his mum. So it’s only ever going to be the two or three of us. Growing up and in my younger years food and meals in my family have always been a source of pleasure and a place of connection, but it’s just not like that now. I love OH and he is a really supportive, loving partner, this isn’t about him and certainly not a LTB situation!)

I am actually quite surprised at how sad I feel about this. I could cry, and that’s unreasonable I know!

OP posts:
Bleachedjeans · 15/12/2025 03:32

I don’t get it. Why agree to be bossed around? Make what you want and if there’s anything that someone doesn’t want, they can refuse their portion I would motor in and do what I want. Why even check with DH about starters? Dont kowtow to DH and MIL .

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/12/2025 05:17

Hell would freeze over before I’d have Christmas dinner without something sweet at the end and I’d happily savor it if I were the only one eating it. Make sure you tell your dh that it might not be his easiest Christmas at his mums but you’ve cooked all the food and it would be very rude of him to not say something nice about it or even to moan about it, he can eat his next Christmas meal in the garden alone, serving up whatever he’s managed to cook if he can’t make a little effort so your day is ok too.

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 05:19

To keep the peace you could have your starter in the kitchen with music and a glass of fizz 'while you're busy cooking'.

Perhaps you could make it and take it in a cool bag. I would also plan for leftovers because to me one of the benefits of a Christmas lunch is the leftovers, meaning you don't have to cook again for a couple of days - make sure you take home anything you'd like to eat again. If I'm only cooking for 2/3 people, I make enough for 4 to 6 and then Boxing Day is covered by potatoes and pigs in blankets fried up for breakfast, lunch is hot meat and stuffing sandwiches and dinner is grazing from cheese, pork pie, meat, pickles, salad, dessert etc.

But I don't understand why a roast has to be 'massive'. Have less so you have room for a starter and dessert surely? We generally make it last over a few hours anyway and if we had a starter at 1, then we'd chat, play games, open presents etc before having the meal at around 2 then there would be more chat before having pudding at maybe 4. We don't watch the King's speech, but it could fit in there if that's what they want. DH and MIL can do the washing up while you relax with more fizz and your book. Then in the early evening have pudding, coffee etc. So in effect it does lunch and dinner on Christmas day and there's always leftovers, cheese and mince pies for anyone who wants anything later in the evening,

Maybe get some games like Dominos, Uno or a fun quiz to help fill the time?

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 06:04

I see this a lot with women. Thinking that there’s no point in cooking something if it’s only for them.

You’re worth cooking for!

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 06:13

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 06:04

I see this a lot with women. Thinking that there’s no point in cooking something if it’s only for them.

You’re worth cooking for!

Also pandering to fussy and restricted eating such that they rarely get to eat what they want, despite often being the only person who does any cooking.

So as well as 'you're worth cooking for', you're worth eating your choice of food at least as often as other people getting their preferences. If they don't like it, they make their own food (once they start secondary school at least, and obviously disabilities accounted for). So if you want soup, an omelette or whatever else you fancy and CBA cooking, don't think 'but he wants a big meaty man meal so I have to cook that' because you don't.

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 06:19

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 06:13

Also pandering to fussy and restricted eating such that they rarely get to eat what they want, despite often being the only person who does any cooking.

So as well as 'you're worth cooking for', you're worth eating your choice of food at least as often as other people getting their preferences. If they don't like it, they make their own food (once they start secondary school at least, and obviously disabilities accounted for). So if you want soup, an omelette or whatever else you fancy and CBA cooking, don't think 'but he wants a big meaty man meal so I have to cook that' because you don't.

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100%

Cursula · 15/12/2025 06:22

sprigatito · 14/12/2025 22:46

I’m not the poster who gets up at the crack of dawn to cook for 3! I’m cooking for 7 and I will be up at the crack of dawn, but only because I want to know what’s in my stocking.

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Sorry - I meant the OP but was also agreeing with you about the eating in 15 minutes being incredible.

Original poster
IndolentCat · 15/12/2025 06:23

sittingonabeach · 14/12/2025 23:23

@IndolentCat why do you have to be up so early to start cooking?

I’m doing a slow roast lamb. It’ll want several hours at a low temperature (or Nigella says put it in overnight at gas mark 1, but we are travelling Christmas Eve so I don’t know if it will work like that, being able to start cooking soon after arriving). And when I’ve hosted Christmas before, we’ve had dinner later on around 5, because I think it makes for a nicer structure to the day, but this time MiL is hosting us and so it’s up to her what time we eat, open gifts, etc.

if you love to cook OP you should have no difficulty in inviting and hosting meals at your home.

I live on a narrowboat so it’s not as simple as that (in winter)! We don’t even have a proper table.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndolentCat · 15/12/2025 06:26

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 06:04

I see this a lot with women. Thinking that there’s no point in cooking something if it’s only for them.

You’re worth cooking for!

I do cook for myself. Usually I decide what we’re having and I make that. I do try and accommodate the others’ preferences as well, but if it’s something only I will eat it does feel indulgent because usually there will be leftover ingredients or food and then it might be wasted.

OP posts:
Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 06:30

Can you just have it again the next day, or freeze it? I appreciate you might have limited storage space on a narrow boat, but that's what I do.

Cook something, eat it over 2-3 days until it's gone, then cook something else. If you're eating things you really enjoy, it doesn't matter if you have it more than once, that's a pleasure.

Sartre · 15/12/2025 06:34

I feel your pain. If my DH had things his way we’d have a curry on Christmas Day! I love putting lots of effort in to ‘fancier’ foods but know there’s zilch point because everyone will turn their noses up and I’d just be massively disappointed having put so much effort in.

Having said that, I made one of Nigel Slater’s cake recipes from his Christmas Chronicles book yesterday. It was way fancier than any cake I’d usually make and I fully expected DC to turn their noses up but they all loved it. Sometimes you can be surprised.

Anywherebuthere · 15/12/2025 08:17

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 05:19

To keep the peace you could have your starter in the kitchen with music and a glass of fizz 'while you're busy cooking'.

Perhaps you could make it and take it in a cool bag. I would also plan for leftovers because to me one of the benefits of a Christmas lunch is the leftovers, meaning you don't have to cook again for a couple of days - make sure you take home anything you'd like to eat again. If I'm only cooking for 2/3 people, I make enough for 4 to 6 and then Boxing Day is covered by potatoes and pigs in blankets fried up for breakfast, lunch is hot meat and stuffing sandwiches and dinner is grazing from cheese, pork pie, meat, pickles, salad, dessert etc.

But I don't understand why a roast has to be 'massive'. Have less so you have room for a starter and dessert surely? We generally make it last over a few hours anyway and if we had a starter at 1, then we'd chat, play games, open presents etc before having the meal at around 2 then there would be more chat before having pudding at maybe 4. We don't watch the King's speech, but it could fit in there if that's what they want. DH and MIL can do the washing up while you relax with more fizz and your book. Then in the early evening have pudding, coffee etc. So in effect it does lunch and dinner on Christmas day and there's always leftovers, cheese and mince pies for anyone who wants anything later in the evening,

Maybe get some games like Dominos, Uno or a fun quiz to help fill the time?

So she should she hide away in the kitchen to have a starter. Why?

JG24 · 15/12/2025 09:22

My partner is a little bit similar in that he sees food as something to fill him up. We do go to restaurants together but I go out with friends more as I have a few that love food and love the sense of occasion etc
So I'd just compromise on the Xmas dinner but maybe arrange a meal with friends in the festive period and do exactly what you want to do
Or have people round and cook for them if that's more your thing

Sharptonguedwoman · 15/12/2025 09:32

BlueJuniper94 · 14/12/2025 18:40

But you can't exactly sit down and eat a starter while everyone else watches

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I think I would, just out of cussedness but I take your point.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/12/2025 11:30

Chickensky · 15/12/2025 00:25

@IndolentCat "I’m in danger of shrinking my world to a smaller size than i really want it to be"

It's so good you see this as something that could happen. Many of us don't until it is too late. Whatever you decide about the starter and dessert, please reach out to friends and even as an introvert try and make friends who you may be able to share your love of food with and socialise with on separate occasions.

Make time to see people outside of your DH and his mum. It won't change anything for this Xmas particularly, and maybe you will have several Xmas with this situation (which I would not want but I don't know your relationship), but it is healthier for you to also have outside friends and influences as well as your DH.

This is very important.

Edited
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Amen!!

Emmz1510 · 15/12/2025 14:42

Has your OH said he won’t eat pudding?
Honestly I would just crack on and make whatever will bring you joy and never mind them- what misery guts they are!
You may find that once the main meal has gone down, after a few hours, they will eat some pudding. You could even leave some at mil house, you never know she might have other visitors who’ll fancy some. Make something freezable or that will keep for a few days in the fridge, that way if they decide they don’t want anything, you can eat it for the next few days dessert.

claphamchaos · 15/12/2025 17:55

SunnySideDeepDown · 14/12/2025 20:51

Genuinely interested how anyone makes a meal with 3 people last longer than 30mins?

It’s different if you’re dining with long lost relatives and have years or life to catch up on, but this is you, your partner and your MIL. How much is there to say?

There’ll be 7 of us for Christmas dinner. We go straight in for the roast (which will stuff us), probably 15mins max. Then the kids will have pudding whilst we tidy away. Then maybe an hour later the adults will have pudding. I see my parents multiple times a month, so we’ll just eat, chat about rubbish for a bit and move onto the next part of the day. Isn’t that normal?

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I see my MIL daily, but if she comes round for dinner with me and my husband we sit with one course and a glass of wine or two and chat away for a couple of hours. We would never sit at the table for less than an hour even with toddlers present at Christmas. Its not about the meal it’s the culture of being together, enjoying each others company, chatting, celebrating. Proven in lots of studies to be really important for relationships, families, mental health, physical health (pace of eating etc)

MyMiniMetro · 15/12/2025 19:08

Frankly, I’d be dragging OH to relationship counselling in the new year. Relationships are about making each other happy. This is such an easy thing for your OH to score a ‘win’ on.

Literally, all OH has to do to make you happy is, for a couple of events a year, show some enthusiasm for eating your delicious fancy food. They don’t even have to cook it? Sooo easy - yet they can’t be arsed. I mean why can’t they be arsed to show just a tiny bit of enthusiasm if it will make you happy? Very selfish.

As for MIL, don’t bother with her next year. If she doesn’t actually want to do Christmas, what’s the point?? Especially her presence encourages OH to mimic her bad attitude.

2dogsandabudgie · 15/12/2025 19:15

I very rarely have a starter, but I love a dessert. I can see it would maybe be a bit awkward having a starter if no one else is, but I would definitely have a nice dessert. In our house on Christmas Day not everyone wants dessert straight after Christmas dinner, some have it a bit later in the day.

Lamentingalways · 15/12/2025 20:59

Neither of you are being unreasonable. I do feel like it wouldn’t kill him to eat a mouthful of salad to please you lol but he shouldn’t have to.

Ohduckie · 15/12/2025 21:43

I have lots of examples like this in my family. It does get to you, especially at this time of the year, so please don't give yourself a hard time about it! Your starter sounds delicious - I'd definitely make that and buy yourself a nice pud from Waitrose or M&S. 😘

ColdWaterDipper · 16/12/2025 06:42

I can see it from both sides - we actually don’t have a starter despite having several foodies in the family, as Christmas lunch is more than just a normal roast really, and we sit around eating and chatting for ages, plus then there Christmas pudding / Yule log AND goodies to follow. Instead we have champagne and homemade canapés about 2 hours ahead of lunch (we eat at 2pm ish). Could you make some really lovely canapés to have instead of a fancy starter as then it won’t just be you sitting and eating?

Bimblebombles · 16/12/2025 06:51

Your needs are important too. I have an autistic family member who needs routine and predictability on Christmas Day so to some degree the day is built around him and always will be, but it’s ok because I pick one or two additional dishes that I do to make it a bit different and then I invite about 6 of my friends over on the 27th usually and that’s the time when I really go flamboyant on the food and do some fancy different foods. Porchetta this year and the foods of Rome.

BuildbyNumbere · 16/12/2025 09:32

In future, don’t ask … just do it. They’ll likely eat it if something is just put in front of them.

MumOf4totstoteens · 16/12/2025 09:58

Maybe they think they are being kind to you keeping it simple since your cooking. You’re the host. You do what you want. If they don’t eat it put it in the fridge for picky bits on Boxing Day