To feel a bit sad that I’m the only person in my household who would enjoy a fancier Christmas meal?

[IndolentCat]

I love food. OH sees it as fuel. I said will we have a little starter on Christmas (just a raw fennel and orange salad, with or without smoked fish, it’s lovely and very light). He said neither he nor his mum will want it because Christmas dinner is large- but actually we are only having a normal roast and no pudding because his mum has said she’s not interested in puddings (I’m cooking, but at hers). I just thought it would be nice to do something a bit fancier to mark the occasion, but they’re not at all interested.

I could make it just for me (OH’s suggestion) but really, what would be the point? Just feeling a bit sad that I am unlikely to every have a Christmas dinner or any meal which has more of a sense of occasion.

(OH has social anxiety and I don’t have any other family, he just has his mum. So it’s only ever going to be the two or three of us. Growing up and in my younger years food and meals in my family have always been a source of pleasure and a place of connection, but it’s just not like that now. I love OH and he is a really supportive, loving partner, this isn’t about him and certainly not a LTB situation!)

I am actually quite surprised at how sad I feel about this. I could cry, and that’s unreasonable I know!

We never have a starter Christmas Day, dinner is at 3pm. We start the morning with savoury and sweet croissants baked in the oven. Adults have smoked salmon and cream cheese, kids sweet with chocolate, jam or honey. They’d have stuffed their faces with chocolate 😂
The roast gets served and then we have Christmas pudding and churros as pud.
I’ve made starters in the past and it’s always way too much cooking.

1pm? Sooo early. I agree I’d make the the other meals as I wanted

I would make a shepherds pie for the main meal on Christmas Day, but go all out on a Special Meal on another day with much smaller portions and as fancy as you prefer plus invite real friends to enjoy your efforts. Stop pandering to stick in the muds on the 25th. Your "feast" can be on another day. Make their day very plain and uninteresting.

I honestly ended a relationship with a live in partner because he simply wasn’t into good food, celebrational meals or anything that might make a mess- the year he insisted him, his elderly mum and me had ready meal Xmas dinners ( and I mean all in one tray ones) as it was ‘far less mess’ - was the year I made my plans to move on as I realised there was no way I could cope with more joyless events like this - he wasn’t a bad guy but I realised the lack of enjoyment over something I enjoyed ( food, wine, a bit of an occasion every now and then) was for me I realised a deal breaker and your partner should be wanting you to have a nice time and just go along with what you would like to do if it matters to you . I would seriously have a think OP whether you are really happy or just convincing yourself you are , because it’s small things like this on paper that actually can hi-light a mismatch

I think you should definitely start cultivating the habit of going out with friends - or even on your own - to a nice restaurant on special occasions. Or having people over for dinner, perhaps while your DH makes himself scarce at his Mums. It must be hard to love cooking but have no one to cook for! I also second cooking for yourself. Letting go of the idea you and DH need to eat the same thing, or always eat together, is really helpful when you like different things or have different attitudes to food.

For Christmas I also wonder how much of this is just the meal, and how much it’s the the wider lack of a sense of occasion. It’s hard to let go of the Big Family Christmas when family shrinks. It’s something I’ve really struggled to adjust to. It’s taken me several years to come to terms with the fact I will never have another Big Jolly Family Christmas.

my DH and I have slowly figured out ways to make Christmas feel special even with just the two of us . We do things a bit differently. Sometimes we don’t even do Christmas dinner at all. We just pig out on cheese and indulgent snacks .

I wonder if you could talk to your DH about how you can make Christmas feel like more of an occasion, without that needing to mean everyone eats the same food. Your ideas about breakfast and the cheese board sound good. If he knows how much this matters to you, maybe he can help figure out some ideas and things to try.

I wouldn’t do the starter just because it seems mil and DH are not particularly supportive of your efforts and I think you’ll understandably end up feeling resentful.

i would however have a delicious breakfast, add some additional trimmings to your roast and absolutely definitely make a pudding. I’d probably also do some cheese assuming you can take the leftovers home with you.

don’t let their lack of interest spoil your enjoyment

@Daffidale this is very astute. In fact day to day I do choose and cook the food I want and he just eats it (😆), and in lockdown when we had Christmas just the two of us, it was easier to make it special. But you’re spot on about the big family Christmas. My parents both died and my sibling lives abroad, and with my parents’ passing we also lost the big extended family gathering, too. My dd has that to a certain extent on her dad’s side, which adds to the emotional mix for me.

I suppose this year, we are staying at his mum’s for the first time, and their relationship is complex and not entirely happy, so he is kind of dreading it (always says he hates Christmas but actually has enjoyed all the Christmases we have spent together) then she has her preferences and although we are bringing the food and the cooking, she is the host and so it’s her day. It’s a bit more challenging than it’s been when she’s been our guest. It’s the first year I haven’t really looked forward to Christmas. I probably just need to pull up my big girl pants and crack on. It’s just a day, I’ll have nice food and drinks, hopefully a new book, I’ll manage! And enjoy the suggestions for teatime and breakfast.

I agree

@Crikeyalmighty i see your point, but to be fair he does make things special for me. And he wouldn’t stop me going out by myself. He isn’t a killjoy! This thread is sort of clarifying that it’s a fairly particular circumstance this year, that I need to expand my world a little, and that Christmas needs some creativity this year!

Christmas dinner tends to be a meal enjoyed together...

Sure, but you can't force people to eat stuff they don't like or want.

So either OP can skip her starter/dessert and resent it, or make it anyway and sod what her DP wants.

I know what I would do.

If you’re missing out on good food at least get some good drinks! Cremant or champagne!

They sound joyless and miserable OP. I hope you can have a merry Christmas, regardless

You know, you needn’t have dinner at 1.00pm. Adjust all your timings, so you have dinner ready for 2.00pm. Say nothing initially and during the morning when the question is asked about what time dinner will be ready at, just say breezily - around 2pm and ignore any muttering of shock. If you stick the roast in the oven to be ready for 2pm, well it won’t be cooked before then and nothing can be done at that stage. Have a plate of canapés ready to be produced if there are complaints of hunger. Does it matter if they do eat huge servings for the main course ? A little of everything is just as good as over-stuffing themselves.

Watch me.

Absolutely, if it’s just this particular event then it’s different to mine - mine was a kind of ‘any’ occasion thing - personally I would make the starter you fancy and have it all to myself and make sure you have stuff in for pudding too, get some jolly music on, have a bath in afternoon and a new book/magazine -

Don’t worry, I went to Sainsbury’s for their buy-6-get-25%-off deal 🍾

I am cheered right up actually. You’re all right, I’m cooking so I need to make it enjoyable for me too. I’ll make sure there are things for me to enjoy and feel like I’m not sacrificing anything- I’m also shopping 😆

Well. She just said “lunchtime” and I assume she wants to be all done in time to watch the king. So maybe there is some wiggle room, especially around the making of the gravy!

Oh I feel for you, nice food is a real treat when a lot of other treats these days are so expensive (like theatre tickets, nights out, travel and weekends away, hobbies etc).

I’ve realised there are more people like your husband and MIL. I overheard a woman say the other day “I’m having my dad to mine Christmas for the first time ever. We usually go to my sister’s and she does 3 courses and lots of fancy food. He’s going to get a shock at mine because I won’t do anything like that because I wouldn’t eat it, I eat like a sparrow.”

I am feeling sorry for her dad already and want to tell him to go to his other daughter’s to have a proper Christmas Day. Poor man. Joyless woman.

A ready meal for Christmas dinner? 100% a dumping offence, that is shocking!

i would love your starter by the way.

Yep there were other things too including being ocd about any mess ( preferred paper plates etc - all very odd and generally pretty controlling but done under the guise of ‘care’ - none of which was revealed until I had already moved in - he hid it very well - took me 3 years to get myself out of it .

Multiple crimes against hospitality (paper plates ffs), gotta go - glad you are free of this maniac now @Crikeyalmighty

Absolutely -by 63 if I’ve learnt one thing in life it is I’m afraid to make yourself number 1 - if others don’t want to do the same then let them do their own thing - oh and if you don’t want to watch the kings speech - don’t - being a martyr as I learnt got me knowhere , except riled up - I changed quite a few things in lockdown including having Xmas dinner at 6pm ish - and ‘the starter’ became brunch at 12 - much prefer it