To feel a bit sad that I’m the only person in my household who would enjoy a fancier Christmas meal?

[IndolentCat]

I love food. OH sees it as fuel. I said will we have a little starter on Christmas (just a raw fennel and orange salad, with or without smoked fish, it’s lovely and very light). He said neither he nor his mum will want it because Christmas dinner is large- but actually we are only having a normal roast and no pudding because his mum has said she’s not interested in puddings (I’m cooking, but at hers). I just thought it would be nice to do something a bit fancier to mark the occasion, but they’re not at all interested.

I could make it just for me (OH’s suggestion) but really, what would be the point? Just feeling a bit sad that I am unlikely to every have a Christmas dinner or any meal which has more of a sense of occasion.

(OH has social anxiety and I don’t have any other family, he just has his mum. So it’s only ever going to be the two or three of us. Growing up and in my younger years food and meals in my family have always been a source of pleasure and a place of connection, but it’s just not like that now. I love OH and he is a really supportive, loving partner, this isn’t about him and certainly not a LTB situation!)

I am actually quite surprised at how sad I feel about this. I could cry, and that’s unreasonable I know!

Genuinely interested how anyone makes a meal with 3 people last longer than 30mins?

It’s different if you’re dining with long lost relatives and have years or life to catch up on, but this is you, your partner and your MIL. How much is there to say?

There’ll be 7 of us for Christmas dinner. We go straight in for the roast (which will stuff us), probably 15mins max. Then the kids will have pudding whilst we tidy away. Then maybe an hour later the adults will have pudding. I see my parents multiple times a month, so we’ll just eat, chat about rubbish for a bit and move onto the next part of the day. Isn’t that normal?

If you have a few courses, crackers, jokes, clearing away starters, bringing out mains, a rest, clearing mains, bringing pudding etc then even with just three adults you could make it all last at least an hour and a half. It’s the conversation that spins it along, though. I suspect it’s going to be a bit stilted round our table this year!

I understand where you're coming from. And yes, you could do it for yourself but there's not much joy in it if the other 2 people are not partaking and don't get it.

My in-laws don't have much of a sense of occasion. Everything is fussed over and nobody wants to make a decision so we end up listening to odd music and the conversation is either stilted or just another long monologue from my MIL.

I grew up in a house where meals, especially for an 'event' were special, nice drinks provided, aperitifs, good music, toasts and lots of laughter and chat. I have felt teary on Christmas Days previously when we've spent it at my husband's parents house.

We now spend Christmas at home and do it all our own way. It took a while for my husband to mark events more significantly but he loves it now thank goodness. I feel for you.

I’m struggling to get my head around wolfing down Christmas dinner in 15 minutes…nope, I can’t.

Good shout! I did the same - probably have enough to last until next Christmas 😄

I also don't get the point of a starter for Christmas dinner.

However, don't you have some meals out with friends or colleagues before Christmas. The meal on Christmas day shouldn't be the only opportunity for a special meal.

Op, we do canapés, if your husband doesn’t eat much, and your mil is a bit rigid, why not start your own tradition. Just say I got some canapés. Put them out about 11 or something if you need to have lunch so early. Then your husband won’t get so full, you can eat some treat stuff. Markies do some lovely ones and a big range,

also just buy what you fancy pudding wise, you may find the just eat it if it’s there.

It sounds like Xmas at MILs is going to come with challenges for both of you , and probably be a bit off all round, so just make the best of it. We’ve never had much success trying to fool ourselves into pretending another day is “really” Christmas, and have had years where we accepted that the day itself was a bit of a write off - or at least not the day we’d do if left to ourselves. (Turkey sandwiches in a service station car park on the M5 was a particular low point, in a failed attempt to improve things by doing Christmas Eve at home and driving to parents on the day).

But you can def cheer up the season around it too - have a fun afternoon/evening when you put up decs/wrap gifts, do Christmas movies/music and good food. Go Scandinavian and do something for the two of you Xmas Eve. Make New Years special.

it sounds like you have some fun plans already :)

Could you maybe make a larger version of the salad for yourself for a nice Christmas eve or Boxing Day lunch?

I’m a massive cheese fan and would love a Christmas day cheese board, but no one else in my family is interested in cheeses. So I’ve bought a couple of nice festive cheese and a good chutney and will have an indulgent Christmas Eve lunch. Any leftovers I can pick at in the evening on Christmas Day!

I would make it and sit and enjoy it with a glass of wine. Wouldn’t bother me at all. I’ve got a bit of a chaotic Christmas coming up and although im
looking forward to it, The thought of sitting by myself and enjoying a starter and a wine in silence sounds like bliss

Glad I'm not coming to yours for Christmas dinner OP!

Ours lasts 3 hours plus! We start with opening Christmas favours which contain small personalised gift and scratchcard and everyone picks a number which determines which novelty hat they get to wear. Then we have the starter, after that there's a bit of a gap and chatting while I finish cooking the main course- that takes a while to eat and more chat and plenty of wine flowing, then everyone is usually too full for dessert immediately so I always have a few fun games planned like Christmas Trivia cards, or Christmas charades. Then we have dessert followed by coffees and after dinner mints.

Usually have at least 5 of us, sometimes more..

Echoing @TheCosyViewer i would move the time forward to later in the day. 2 or even 3. I did this after DM died. I had always been hosting and my DF helps with alot of the cooking but I felt rushed…getting up early and hustling. I moved it back to 5 pm and everyone adjusted. We probably eat around 4 now with drinks and cheese/ visiting before the meal. As the cook I always control the timing. I host anywhere from 7 to 13 people every holiday.

if you love to cook OP you should have no difficulty in inviting and hosting meals at your home. Invite the friends who love a good meal and sit and eat and talk and laugh. If you want them to come…cook! Make it a monthly get together.
make it a bit special for you…food or drink or flowers or fancy outfit. Celebrate the holiday. I never watch telly and sitting around doing so is absolutely not a holiday celebration to me

Just go ahead and do the three courses. Maybe they've never made a fuss so don't know how enjoyable it can be. They may enjoy it, if they don't at least you get some good food instead of feeling deprived of a special Christmas meal.

And I’m struggling to see how you have to be up at the crack of dawn to cook a meal for three?
OP please do what suits you, if you are cooking. I think they’ll be easily swept up in your plans and enthusiasm for a slightly different day.

I would do it and make them a super tiny starter each to try.

If they're not foodies it might not sound very appealing to them. Id bite your hand off to try it!

My ex was the chef. I can't cook and I miss it! Yanbu!

Make it anyway. You don't need to miss out just because they won't try things. It sounds delicious. Your MIL is getting it at the time she wants it (I would make her wait tbh and have it a bit later or in the evening.) Maybe they might have bigger appetites then. If you fancy three courses and you are cooking then do it and savour it. Life is too short to only be fitting in with what others want. You are entitled to enjoy your meal in as many courses as you want and at whatever speed. If your DH and MIL want to bolt a normal meal down and not make any effort that is up to them. Pour yourself a champagne and have your starter and leave DH and MIL to serve up the main course while you savour your starter. They can clear up while you have your dessert.

I’m not the poster who gets up at the crack of dawn to cook for 3! I’m cooking for 7 and I will be up at the crack of dawn, but only because I want to know what’s in my stocking.

Can you have a fancier table to make it feel a little more special at least? Dunelm have Christmas dinner sets for about £20, probably even cheaper the nearer it gets to Christmas, and some festive glasses, napkins, a table candle etc.

I’m the sort who would very happily just have a tin of rice pudding or a frozen pizza for Christmas lunch if I was on my own but if someone else was cooking and put a lovely salad starter in front of me I wouldn’t be a misery about it!

Make the starter and enjoy it, OP. Make it for the others, or don’t…just remember, you matter too. I’m in the same situation as you family wise and I’ve sat in front of DH slowly eating my thing after he’s finished (he eats really fast and I got fed up of feeling rushed) sooo many times its normal now.

That’s not fair on you. He should either get into the spirit of enjoying the (lovely sounding) food or else he should accept that you should invite a guest who can share your joy. He can’t have it both ways

@IndolentCat why do you have to be up so early to start cooking?

Kindly I think you’re being unreasonable. There’s nothing wrong with them wanting it the way they want it too. I also wouldn’t eat your fancy starter as it’s not for me. Sounds like you are missing part of your past . In relationships it’s equal. Make the food you would like as a starter but don’t make it awkward when they don’t want it. You don’t have to stay with them the full afternoon surely. We all have traditions. Like ours is food, rest, walk and then a Christmas movie. Time to make yours.

@IndolentCat "I’m in danger of shrinking my world to a smaller size than i really want it to be"

It's so good you see this as something that could happen. Many of us don't until it is too late. Whatever you decide about the starter and dessert, please reach out to friends and even as an introvert try and make friends who you may be able to share your love of food with and socialise with on separate occasions.

Make time to see people outside of your DH and his mum. It won't change anything for this Xmas particularly, and maybe you will have several Xmas with this situation (which I would not want but I don't know your relationship), but it is healthier for you to also have outside friends and influences as well as your DH.

This is very important.

What a very sad story. Your family is boring.

OP, make your lovely starter for everyone: you’re cooking; you’re in charge. And open Champagne. This is an event which marks the passing of the years not a nutritional fuel stop. If the others don’t at least try the starter, that’s their loss (and they’re also being very rude).

And what’s this about the main course being big? It’s not obligatory to take a portion the size of the Falkland Islands. What are they, Neanderthals? 🙄

I complete understand why you’re upset. And I’m only a man!

I'd make the starter for myself anyway. Offer it to them.

Dress the table, best wine glasses, candles. Have your starter, do xmas your way, since you are cooking.

Then serve their roast, but with redcurrant jelly, bread sauce, all the veggies And then desserts.

Maybe you can change their minds. Or create different traditions. Will you have children with your partner. You can make a new kind of xmas that they will enjoy one day.