AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Your 'D'P is a controlling and abusive narcissist and he's targeting your children as well as you. This 'clean eating' regime is just another form of control. You need to get yourself and your DC away from him.

Every adult is letting down this kid

The dad - marching along with his red flags and eliminating anyone who gets in the way. Isolating the kid and the mum from their family. General controlling weirdness, not letting the kid eat normal chocolate.

The GPs - yes, the dad sounds insane but it’s not really up to them if he should be allowed chocolate or not. It’s one thing to pick him up from school and let him eat chocolate someone else has given him, or let him have a piece of chocolate cake a guest has brought, but it’s another to actually buy him excess chocolate and encourage him to lie.

The mum for not standing up for him and saying he can have “other sweet things” but not chocolate or other kinds of chocolate but not this chocolate while pretending it’s about health and not control. Sort of unconvinced she really believes it but would rather keep her dh on side than stick up for her kid. I’d bet my house this isn’t the only weird thing that’s controlled.

I think MN can be overly dramatic a lot of the time, but in this case I think it’s spot on.

A couple of chocolate bars isn’t going to make somebody diabetic, but this dynamic has the potential to cause a lot of harm.

As an aside, I grew up with a controlling mother. She was financially controlling rather than specifically controlling regarding food. But the result was the same - th cupboards at home were empty (she was skinny and just didn’t have much of an appetite so felt no need to buy food). I was always starving and used to spend break times scrounging food off the other kids.

As soon as I got a job as a teen and got access to my own money I spent it all on food. I went from a skinny 14 year old to a very overweight 15 year old with bad skin very, very quickly, due to bingeing on all the food I’d been denied.

It took me years to bring my weight back under control but even now, approaching 50, I struggle to shake the urge to binge.

So be very careful what you and your husband are doing.

Context is everything though.
It’s part of children learning they are autonomous.
Everyone hides something from their parents don’t they.

Of course he is.

this isn’t about your mum being disrespectful and lying it’s about her trying to give your son some normality and control in a safe space away from your abusive household that you allow your children to live in.

you are just parroting back all the bullshit your abusive husband has brainwashed you into believing.

I hope to god someone has flagged you to Social Services.

you’ve been told numerous times that your in an abusive relationship - get your kids and get out

OP your DH is using the children as a stick to beat you with. Baby pulls himself up on baby gate wobbles and falls it's perfectly normal happens all the time, but your DH uses it as an opportunity to tell you that you are a shit parent. Baby bumps head on a changing table again perfectly normal but again your husband blames you. You haven't even got a Christmas tree in case baby hurts themselves.
You also said his relationship has deteriorated with the 9 year old. That will be because the 9 year old is starting to question the ' rules' his father is making. You owe it to your children to leave this relationship

Agree. Just seen that thread Was he abusive before you got pg with dc2? Is ds not his son, in which case you can look forward to worse conflict in future as he becomes more independent and less easily controlled.

Voice of reason? Maybe you should read OP's other threads before coming down on the side of her DP. This is not about a bit of contraband Dairy Milk.

you are massively ott about chocolate, sorry i disagree v strongly with you on this !!

This exactly - weird!

There are clearly some complex dynamics going on. On the face of it, your parents over-riding parental choice isn’t great but it also seems like your OH is very controlling and I suspect the OP’s mum can see that.

OP has a medical professional told you your son has a higher risk and therefore should be cutting out sugar or is this something your OH has come up with?

Yes he's the dad to both of my DS. Other DS is only 10 months though so is only just starting to eat where as older son had a varied diet for the first 8 years until OH decided to change his and wanted everyone else to follow. DS gets no say. OH motto is if you're hungry enough you'll eat it.

Your husband is a controlling arse, set on separating you from your family. Don't let him do that. Take back agency for your own life and that of your children.

We had a parent like this at a club. The child was constantly asking for chocolate, trying to get it from other children etc. For no medical reason the parents had created a longing that was so unhealthy and put all the responsibilities onto others to maintain it. Madness.

The chocolate and the grandparents are not the problem here and I think you know that.

the question is what you are going to do about it because let me tell you it will just keep getting worse. He is isolating you and highly controlling and you are like the prey of a boa constrictor; slowly being crushed until there is no more air to breathe. Your children are not safe and neither are you.
Whilst this is not your fault at some point you will be seen as part of the problem and not the solution to most importantly your children’s safety and futures if you don’t act. I know it isn’t easy but you don’t have a choice. You have to make it before it’s made for you. Because one day in one way shape or form - whether that’s social services intervention, you being hurt so badly or even killed or your children’s safety as young adults asking you why you continued to let this happen and the impact of had on their lives - it will happen.

Well your last post explains it. Your dad was a controlling man who managed the household and who was allowed to be a part of it. You then married a controlling man and he is controlling your life, taking over from your father.

Yeah, this really doesn’t sound so good.

You say ‘we’ made some lifestyle changes. I’d put money on it being his choice which you are going along with.

You are setting your DS up for a lifetime of feeling conflicted around food.

It’s really not good.

From someone who is no longer in contact with her DD due to her being in a coercively controlling relationship RUN NOW. He’s trying to isolate you from your family, any contact you have with them is seen as interfering in his eyes, this will only get worse. I’ve been in your mums situation (not with the chocolate) but watching my lovely confident DD be dictated to and slowly controlled by one of these awful men. He did the same, keeping us on the doorstep, he’ll be checking your phone next and taking your bank card…. Gently, he’s turning you against your family because he wants to control every aspect of your life. Your mum is probably like me, quietly waiting in the background hoping that one day you’ll leave.

Why does he spend so much time at his GGs? Do they do childcare?

So your DP is restricting other food too? What exactly does this clean eating involve? Would bread and butter be allowed? Mashed potato? Where does your DP draw the line?

Your partner sounds like the main problem here. Not great of your mum to sneak around but i dont think its grounds for no contact. They are probably very sad and frustrated at seeing their daughter controlled so much and isolated from them. I cannot believe you said he decided what you could eat when you were pregnant. Thats appauling.
Sounds like he sets the rules and if you and those around you do not obey you are isolated from your own family.
Where are his family in this?
I have just posted on another thread about my incredibly controlling FIL who isolated him, his wife and kids from others for years. Now as adults my husband and his sister dont spend much time with them. MIL misses out on her grandchildrem as a result.

God almighty, get the hell away from your OH. He is the issue, not a few bars of chocolate.

Oh God. It’s you again. How many threads are you going to start about this vile man? How many times are you going to ignore all the wise advice you’re given?

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid yet?

OP, as a PP suggested, I have read your other threads. Your OH is getting worse and worse. He is controlling you and your DS. Just because he changes his diet does not mean that you have to. He is controlling what you eat. He cannot tell you what to do or what to eat.

He is trying to cut you off from your family because that is what these men do. He wants you to have nobody to turn to.

Of course your parents should respect your wishes, but that is only a tiny part of your problem.

This man calls you a C... on a regular basis. Your parents are not the problem.

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