AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

How dare your mum tell your son to lie to you! From a safeguarding perspective this is absolutely terrible! Children should be taught to never keep secrets from their parents. He will grow up thinking it is okay to keep a secret as Nanny says it’s okay!

I would be absolutely livid! And I agree that they would not be having unsupervised contact whatsoever!!

Your DH is abusive, which is far more toxic to your children than some chocolate.

birmingham safeguarding children board+khyyra ishaq
OP, read the full report on the appalling case of this little girl and her siblings.It highlights that a key turning point for them was their stepfather's decision to assume control of the family food, allegedly to help his partner eat more healthily in an effort to lose weight.
He started by adopting a green veg, nuts and rice diet, banned chocolate (and pretty much everything else) and put locks on fridges and cupboards.
When emergency dervices discovered the child's body, she weighed 2.5 stone, and was just seven years old.
Police could not believe that she had starved to death in a house full of food.
If this offends you, so be it.
Your husband is a threat to you and your children. Please speak to your children's school, their GP and leave him. No wonder he is alienating you from your parents-because he knows if he succeeds, he has total control and dominance over you all.
www.standard.co.uk/hp/front/parents-sentenced-for-starving-girl-7-to-death-6797456.html

Please don't throw out terms like safeguarding when you haven't read the thread and don't know what you're talking about!

From a safeguarding point of view, and as a former social worker, please believe me when I tell you that this screams child protection.From the abusive father. The grandparents should open their home to the children and OP and if she refuses, should report their concerns to Children's Services.

Oh FFS - read the bloody thread. It's not OPs parents who are the problem.

You are advising a woman who is being horrifically abused/controlled to distance herself and her children from close family members who could support her in getting away from this monster. How do you see that working out?

If its for medical purposes fair enough. E.g celiac.

But you havent said its that. So I'm forced to vote unreasonable. Denying certain food is a sure fire way your kid will developed an eating disorder.

Read the fucking thread!

Are you seriously suggesting that OP who is a victim of abuse cuts the only way she can get out off and gives in to her controlling abusive partner?

From a safeguarding perspective that is terrible and it’s disgusting you are supporting that and encouraging her to do so. OP DP is the safeguarding concern not the grandparents wanting their DGC not to say they are eating chocolate, pretty prevent them from being fucking abused

Do you think that a child having a normal balanced diet and then being put on a carnivore diet out of the blue one day is OK. Her Oh has sent her texts calling her a cunt and a retard. He's the issue here. Not her mum

99% of the time most people would agree with you. Except in this case OP (and her children) are being controlled and abused. That changes the context and dynamics somewhat.

You're married to a control freak.
You need to start planning an exit.
It's not about chocolate at all - that's just a means to an end.

I have just read the rest of the thread 🫣 I really should have read the rest of it before I posted shouldn’t I? Sorry! Wasn’t expecting such a drip feed.

Please don't cut off your Mum. Your OH would really like that. He sounds like he has taken healthy eating and made it psychologically unhealthy.

"It's lying to my face multiple times, it's teaching me child it's ok for him to lie if it's for something he wants. It's breaking my trust when they promised it wouldn't happen again."

Absolutely it's the lying and asking your DS to lie. That is really horrible to undermine you like this. Cancel your Christmas plans but have a good chat with your Mum. Did she want to undermine OH? Does she dislike him? Does she think you are only going along with it and that the food decision was not really a joint one?

Your husband is a fucking lunatic - a controlling, abusive bastard. For you to be responding to the entire situation as you are must mean - I can only assume - that you have been so ground down and mentally messed up by his abuse that you can no longer see the wood for the trees.

You need help, urgently, to get away from this man. If you’re not able to do it for yourself, then do it for your DC. They will be hugely damaged by him - psychologically, emotionally, physically - if you stay and make them endure being exposed to him for their entire childhood.

If you aren’t able to save your DC from his poison and mental control, reach out and ask your parents or an outside agency for help. This is so far beyond the limits of what is normal or okay on a relationship.

I don’t think you or your DC are safe.

No, OP hasn't said it's that, but she has said plenty of other things.

Maybe "force" yourself to read the thread.

Nobody "forced" you to vote. You had a choice. OP on the other hand is being controlled and abused.

You need to read the entire thread and comment then because there’s far more to it than this

OH's motto about being of you're hungry enough you'll eat it is a dreadful way to treat a child. I do t think your family are doing the right things but your OH want a degree of control over what you all eats abusive @Whiteoleander2

You should have started with “I’m lazy and haven’t read the full thread”. Or do you agree with child abuse?

It’s horrible to “Undermine” abusive parents?

You OP are in an abusive relationship and you are allowing your partner to control and abuse your children. He is controlling what you eat, trying to cut you off from your family, these are massive red flags. Get out now, while you can, for the sake of your children.

Why is it 'poor' child?
Sweets are junk food and parents have the choice whether or not to give junk food to their childen.

Just because everyone else might do it doesnt mean that feeding children crap is good. Parents have a choice and others should respect that choice especially those closest to them. Telling children to lie to their parents and keep secrets from their parents is absolute shocking behaviour. Red flags alert. No, my children would never again go over to their house alone if grand parents cant be trusted.

If a child came over to my house and parents said no sweets, chocolates or whatever., I would NEVER give the child sweets, tell them its our secret so they lie to their parents regardless of my own views. Red flags.

I think it's so concerning that abusive behaviour aside, there's posters on this thread who seem so concerned about the health of their child and are obsessed with sugar free food yet seem completely comfortable with a young child being cut off from their loving grandparents. Social connections and good strong relationships are key to development and the harm that will be caused by your child being deprived of this by their grandparent will be much worse than a few chocolate bars. And obviously in this case the child is being brought up in an abusive household.

The World Health Organisation actually describes health as "a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity". Nutrition alone is not the sole factor in good health. Yet some people on here and the OPs husband would quite happily deprive the OPs son of things like a loving grandparent relationship without any thought as to how it would impact on their mental and social wellbeing.

Stfu all this over a bar of chocolate..divorce your controlling husband.. let your 9 year old child enjoy his time with his grandparents because they won't be around forever fgs..I've got type 1 diabetes and know the implications and enjoy chocolate myself so don't start with your nonsense..your husband is going to give your child an eating disorder and you're enabling him with your attitude..God help your poor son..

His also banned from fruits and vegetables and potatoes are for special occasions. The junk food is the least of this child’s worries.

Having read further as a grandparent I would be contacting woman's aid for advice re an abusive peculiarly cruel son in law and my enabling daughter.