AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

That's fine to say - but please bear in mind that many abused women have nowhere to go. It's not always as simple as just upping and leaving

He can't get his name removed unless it is proven by a DNA test that he's not the father. A birth certificate is a record of the facts not of whether a man wants to be a father or not.

I don't disagree but at least there is a good explanation for the behaviour if he is mentally ill and a good chance then that with treatment he might get better. If he is a nasty piece of work there is literally no coming back from that

In OP's case I think she clearly has her parents she can count on. But due to the coersive control, she is inclined to fixate on her mother giving the child chocolate, rather than see the extreme controlling of the partner. She would rather cut off her mother, than leave.

Omg?! I didnt know about the other thread. Thats vile. Wild in that case shes writing this about "chocolate"

She needs to access women's aid and leave

Just one more detail, I was so underweight when I got to university, that random acquaintances used to stop by my room with food. Oh, we just happened to have an extra cheeseburger or some extra pizza. They weren’t even looking to socialize. They were just trying to feed the waif who was underfed because her father had food issues.

my now husband says is was really disturbing how thin I was when we all showed up to student housing.

Not one to post on these kinds of threads but I hope @Whiteoleander2 finds the strength she needs to progress to a safe and happier life for her and the children.

Who was the source of the information that your ds had been force fed chocolate? I suspect your son, who sounds like he was brow beaten constantly over a period of time to ‘confess’ the actions of your mum and granddad. If so, could it be a bit like when a prisoner is constantly being interrogated and in the end just admits to the ‘crime’ to get the interrogation to stop? And your dh sounds very controlling btw, as if he is setting all this up to put a wedge between you and your family.

take both your children and go….it’s abuse to let them stay with him

@Ladygardenerinderby how can anyone comment without knowing crucial information!

How much more information do you need?
Have you read any of the OPs updates?
Did you look at the previous thread which has been linked?
Have you read any of the comments?

How can anyone post in good faith on a thread without actually bothering to read it?

It worries me when women use the word "clean" to describe the food they have decided is acceptable; it can so often lead to an orthorexia which is very isolating and damaging.

Yet again we unpick the OP and find out the real issue is an abusing and controlling husband/partner.

OP, chocolate is not the enemy, your mum and grandad are not the enemy. Your husband/partner is working hard to control and isolate you. Don’t let him.

is there space at your mum’s? I ask because I think at some point you’re going to have to take the children somewhere safe.

He will not get better. He's an abuser. There are plenty of people with mental health issues who don't act like this

You need to get yourself and your children away from this abusive man.

The husband has forced her and their son to eat this diet

Your posts regarding your OH are more worrying. He sounds pretty controlling which will be a problem as your kids get older. I certainly would not be told by my DH what to eat or feed my kids. Your mum and grandad encouraging your DS to lie and to give multiple chocolate bars is not good but I would not cut complete contact as you may need them if your DH persists with this controlling behaviour. Maybe just make sure she does not have your DS on her own which means you will need to do school pick ups etc or your OH will. Sounds like he wants an excuse to alienate you from other support which is not on.

This sounds hugely controlling to me and it sounds like it’s coming from your DH. We are reasonably careful re sweet stuff but I wouldn’t be telling my family never to give our DD chocolate. Unless it’s bucket fulls, your DS will be fine. It’s awful he has to lie about something like this and your parents too. This is going to have impact on him that goes way beyond chocolate. I don’t know all the back story here but your updates suggest your DH is manipulative and abusive. He’s picking at this to distance you from your family and control you and your kids. Just because he wants to change his diet doesn’t mean he gets to impose it on everyone. You must seek out help from women’s aid. Best wishes

We are all at risk from diabetes cancer heart disease stoke Alzheimer’s , we all have some /all of these in our families

restricting food groups alone will not prevent this , other factors and genes are powerful too

my mum was weirdly restrictive about food and all it it was make be guiltily binge when an adult and for years i bought a fruit bowl and watch it rot before I realised I did not like fruit and was allowed to not buy/ eat it

your marriage is abusive and you need to break up with him not your family

Just be aware that if controlling and abusive behaviour is common from your husband/partner, he will be skewing your perspective on your mum's behaviour. You say you can't rely on her for support if you leave your partner because she 'used your son against you' that is quite an exaggeration of what happened. Your mum may be absolutely desperate to help you. No it's not great to encourage your son to lie but she might be very worried about your partner's control and just be trying to do SOMETHING. You need to actually get it together and leave and seek help, for the sake of your children. Your partner WANTS you to feel like you have nowhere else to turn because that serves HIM.

Presumably you post about this relationship here to get a different perspective on things than what your partner presents. I urge you to listen to the people here. Don't just accept everything your partner says.

Read all your posts on this thread. He sounds like an absolute monster. Let him remove himself of the birth certificate, great if he signs away his parental rights.

Your mum sounds like she has tried to do a lot to help you with childcare and she loves your children. She sees what they are having to live like under your roof and is trying to give him a bit of normality where she can.

Your OH has poisoned your mind against your family all to try and isolate and control you all. Trying to convince you that it is your choice.

I feel sorry for your kids. He is ruining Christmas and his family bonds, not your mum. And you are staying and assisting him so complicit in that too.

Kids are meant to have a balanced diet, not a weird fad diet. Do they not have any vegetables at all? This is not to do with their health it is to do with control

If your not willing to do it for you, do it for your children. Escape this controlling man and give your child some normality back. Before they grow up and resent you for the constrictive life they have forced upon them where they couldn't even see loved ones

I have a feeling that your mum is doing this to get you to make a decision. You need to go out for a coffee (decaf or herbal tea will do too!!), somewhere neutral and explain what is happening.

the issue with your mum isn’t the chocolate but the fact she asked your son to lie to you. This isn’t good because you want him to come tell you anything in the same way as I imagine your mum wants you to do. I also imagine that whilst on the face if it it is abhorrent that she has asked him to lie, it is quite clear that she is trying to protect him and most likely you too fro
your OH.

give yourself and your family the greatest gift this Christmas - phone women’s aid tomorrow and then leave him but document all of this in the event you have a fight on your hands. Maybe a call to your gp or social services too for support could be a good idea.

Your DH banned you from eating any sugary foods whilst pregnant in case the baby got diabetes? 🤨

Your DH is isolating you from your family. Its something abusers do.

Go to your parents for Christmas with your kids and don't go back to your partner.

He sounds like a controlling fruitcake. I'm sorry for you and your kids. Your partner has decided to go on a fad diet but is forcing all of the family to follow it with punishments if they don't. Buy your son a selection box and tell your partner to fuck off.

Teaching your kid to have unhealthy/toxic relationships is worse than them feeding him chocolate. Your cutting people out of his life cancelling family events, stopping family members from coming in your home, not allowing them to see or speak to yous and threatening the poor kid that christmas is cancelled for the 2nd year in a row. Your husband sounds controlling. You sound like you conform to his control to keep him happy. Your kid is in the middle being taught things way worse than eating chocolate. And your husband.. he's using diabetes to control, abuse, manipulate and isolate.