AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

It sounds like you allow your oh to rule everything. That’s so unhealthy for your dc & you. Please leave. Your mum is trying to normalise your son’s life from the sounds of it. My parents loved to spoil my dc-that’s what grandparents do & your rules are unreasonable.

i really hope you seek some support to leave 💐

I would be fuming if there was a health risk.

I absolutely agree. If theyre accepting child care they need to trust their judgement, and i think 4 chocolates a week isnt awful..

Im just agreeing with OP that the then getting DS to lie about it is wrong. I wouldnt be happy if any adult convinced my LOs to keep secrets and lie to me.

Although if OPs DP is as controlling as it sounds i can understand why people are keeping secrets round him.

Read the thread. This is abuse and not actually about food

. If your son had a nut allergy it sounds like they would feed him chocolate peanuts if they thought allergies were not a real thing.

They don’t sound like this at all. The child is not allergic to chocolate or potatoes or any of the other things he is not allowed to eat.

They are probably incredibly worried about the children and OP and are trying their best to keep him living a normal life by being very involved in his life, taking him to clubs etc. They are likely this boys safe people away from his controlling father and mum who is isn’t protecting him.

OP If you cut them off as your husband wants not only are you removing your support but also safe people from your sons life.

No she wouldn't have. Throw me out of my home at ten years old - no. My stepfather had no interest in me. He was only interested in abusing my mum. He married my mum because my grandpa was dying and he thought mistakenly that my mum had been left money. He was a sociopath and my mum found out much later that his first wife had managed to get a divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty which was very hard to do back then

She always said if he laid a finger on me that would be the end. My mum got into that relationship when she was in a very vulnerable position. Her dad was dying of bowel cancer. He was all sweetness and light until he smacked her after they married. As I said in previous posts that was back in the day when battering your wife was just a domestic. Police would do nothing and he wouldn't leave

My mum didn't want to tell my gran the extent of what was going on because she was grieving the loss of her husband but it got to the point where she could take no more and she told her brother who threw him out

Im proud of my mum - I don't blame her - after my stepfather left my mum set up an advice centre in our home town and helped other women in similar situations. Sadly some went back to their abusers - which is common - and some didn't make it

I don't see the point in blaming women who end up in abusive relationships. My mum is very lucky to be alive - that's not her fault. It's her abusers

He can't do that without a DNA test proving he is not your DS's father. Silly twit. But also nasty controlling bastard. Take DC and leave him. He's not worth the pain.

Indeed ops mum should be fuming about the health risk her daughter and son in law are inflicting on this poor wee lad.

He's got just controlling he's abusive. There's another thread she posted where he was calling her a cunt and a retard

I had an abusive, controlling father. I figured out very young the best way to survive was to lie. I didn’t even lie about bad things. I hid every aspect of my life from him. Win an award at school, keep it quiet. He would weaponize anything he could so the less information he had the better.

OP, from what you are describing, this is the advice I would be giving your 9yo. Don’t tell mom and dad anything.

I was at least able to be honest with my mother because she was my ally and would keep my secrets. Not having her trust and support against him would have made life much harder.

@Whiteoleander2 Your husband is abusing you and your sons. Tell him to leave or leave yourself with your boys. (Get help from Women’s Aid or similar to make this happen.)

To be honest, your husband sounds genuinely unhinged. He is talking absolute nonsense. And this whole clean food thing is pish. Yep by all means it’s a good idea to avoid highly processed foods but your growing children need a balanced healthy diet. This includes carbohydrates. Forget the chocolate - you’re saying your boy isn’t given bread/rice/potatoes/pasta. This is seriously wrong - unless actually advised and supervised by a medical professional. Also has any medical expert actually told you that your sons are at risk of diabetes and what you should do about it? If your son revealed this issue at school you might well get a call from the safeguarding lead.

Your mum is not the problem. Wake up and protect your sons!

No, the victim is not choosing. You have no idea what coercive control does. It makes of the victim a non-person, a person who does not know who they are any more or what they want and need. It's relentless and it's difficult to leave because most people won't see what a narcissistic bastard you are leaving as one of the weapons of coercive control is to appear charming to outsiders and make the victim look like the abuser, or mentally unstable. The OP needs help - her mum is probably the person to go to, and her grandfather - even though he shouted at her in public about the stupid diet her OH imposes on them all - because they are the people who can see the abuse and are subverting it in the DS's case.

The last thing a victim of coersive control needs is people telling them it is their fault - that's already the message the abuser is giving them. And it's untrue, of course.

He can't do any of that. Not legally, at any rate.

Oh my goodness - I’ve read all the OPs posts and this is about so much more than her first post implied.
Surely I’m not the only one who thinks her husband has lost the plot.
I agree 100% that mum was wrong in telling the child to lie about the chocolate but my advice to OP would be don’t under any circumstances isolate yourself from your family. I hope I’m wrong but I suspect you are going to need their support in the not too distant future.

There’s a reason she’s vulnerable to a controlling man.
Her OH is by far the worst person in the situation, and she needs her mum to get away. However she should think about her upbringing as well. It’s part of what got her where she is now.

Your parents are wrong to have told your DS to lie.

Your DH sounds controlling. He’s dictating the whole situation and how you are to deal with it. Would he be the same if it were his parents?

You and your DH are both (in my opinion) a bit wrong to be so strict on the chocolate. Both our parent probably gave our kids too much sweets/chocolate but we relied on grandparents for babysitting while we were at work every now and then so we let it slide.

Anyone can end up in an abusive relationship irrespective of upbringing

Her grandfather is in the right even though his delivery was off. I suspect they are very concerned - and I suspect there has been a lot more abuse from the OH that the OP hasn't shared

Also I was brought up with banned food it so much more appealing. Little treats every now and then is okay. Both my kids were very heavily into outdoor activities and sports so we gave them a balanced diet and a healthy attitude for the future on sweets and chocolates.

This isn't about chocolate. This is about a man who is abusive and controlling and using this as an excuse to drive a wedge in your family and isolate both you and your DS.

Ditch.

Even if your son is high risk for developing health issues in future. HE'S NINE. At this point a) he should be making sensible choices for himself about what he eats - otherwise as soon as he's 18 he'll just binge on them precisely because he's been controlled. b) if he otherwise makes sensible life style choices, you can minimise the risks c) an increased risk still doesn't necessarily mean the risk is enormous. Just slightly more - and its how these numbers are presented that can look scary but in reality only still represent a small risk.

You need to stop this.

NONE of this is healthy. The food obsessions. The controlling behaviour. The not dealing with the shit you know,

Do you realise how batshit this is? Either your OH is seriously mentally ill or he is a nasty piece of work who is exerting control by controlling what you and your children eat AND then working on you going LC or NC with your support network so you will not leave as you have no support. The fact he gives you abuse for not letting your son starve is appalling. Do you and your kids a favour and leave. So what if he takes himself off the birth certificate (which by the way best of luck to him with that)? You are better off without him and whatever cash he would give you as he would no doubt pay it late so he can exert control and make you dance to his tune for having the audacity to leave him.

He can’t just remove himself from the Birth certificates he would need to prove he isn’t the father to have even the smallest chance of that being allowed, and even then it’s not just a little admin thing.

You can be legitimately upset that your parents have gone against your request to not give your child certain foods, but please put it into perspective. Your OH appears to be very controlling, do you really want to alienate and separate yourself from your familial support over a few bars of chocolate?

She's probably very scared of her partner - he's abusing her. She's posted on other threads to say so

Someone can be seriously mentally unwell without being a cunt like him to be fair

YABU for staying. Get out, now. Get away from OH. This is seriously unhealthy. Your poor children.