AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Try reading the thread

Embarrassing at this point really...
No need to read whole thread but it takes few seconds to click "see next" on OP's posts.

No. The OPs partner has forced the family to eat a carnivore diet

FFS read all OP's posts before you blame her.

Then read the OP’s updates???

He sounds unhinged. There is no level of control where he will be satisfied. You need to leave him.

This man is deliberately isolating you from your family.

Don’t let that happen. You are going to need them.

OP. You need to contact Social Services, police, and leave him. Do not let him see the children, let him take you to court. He is mad, nasty and abusive. Why are you staying?

I’ve read all ops posts, still blaming her!

I don't know if you're being unreasonable, as coercive control can mess with your thinking. You have to get away from him.

I feel sorry for the kids, this feels insane

I know you must feel this way, but it is only his nonsense words making you feel like that.

Let’s look at some other angles I’ve picked up from your other threads.

You have a secure tenancy that means you and your children can stay in your home. This is huge. You can kick him out or get a restraining order and let him sort himself out. He is a whole adult and how he houses himself is his responsibility and never yours.

Your mental health will improve.

Your mum supports with your eldest and offers good support.

You are starting to get your physical health sorted with your next physio appt soon. The fact you have been a gym regular until relatively recently gives you a better statistical chance of recovery. As an aside, have you had blood tests to check you have no deficiencies as a result of your diet?

You and your son will choose your own diet, whether to leave leftovers on a plate and whether to indulge in the odd treat.

It is clear from your posts you are an emotionally and intellectually intelligent and articulate woman. This will stand you in good stead.

I believe you are fundamentally a good mum and you will find and seek out the support you need without him.

It is also clear from your posts that you are beginning to see this behaviour for what it is. Keep questioning. Use the smarts you have been blessed with.

Next year, I hope you have a festive arch and a Christmas tree and love and laughter and probably some nice potatoes x

Unless it is a medically required diet, parents don’t get to control what children eat outside of the house.

it doesn’t matter if you believe it is for health, philosophy, or religion. Unless the diet comes from the doctor and the child knows the food is specifically verboten for them, they are an autonomous person who gets to decide what they eat.

should the grandparents be strategizing to violate the diet? Probably not. The violation of trust is problematic. However, your son is 9 and he is old enough to make his own choices. If he is in a house where chocolate is available and he chooses to eat it, there should not be negative consequences for anyone.

I bet it’s sweets 🍭🙈

Bet you didn’t read the thread…

You are not treating your son very well are you? But you are willing to bend to every 'rule' your OH decides to impose. Am with your parents. Don't sacrifice your son's childhood on the alter of your OH's food preferences. And don't let him isolate your or your children from your parents. I honestly think you need to grow a backbone.

So to me the issues here arent the chocolate. Tbh if youre using her for childcare... you have to trust her judgement when it differs from yours. And most kids get different rules at grandmas house. My mother, as a mum and now as a grandma are too very different people.

Its telling DS to lie to his parents, thats not cool. I tell all my LOs, inc neices, god kids. Its only OK to keep someone else's secret if its for a little bit to help them with a surprise. Surprise presents for mummy or daddy = good secrets. Things you must never tell mummy or daddy = bad secrets. It is a problem that she encouraged DS to keep secrets, and i wouldnt let her be with him unsupervised until I was comfortable she stopped. And Id explain why I dont want DS feeling scared to tell me ANYTHING. I understand why you're angry about that and absolutely should tell her it isnt about the chocolate.

More so though I also think you have DH problem! He sounds controlling, his diet changed so yours had to too? "my OH as I know he doesn't like my family being around anyway" and until this he couldn't stop you seeing them for Christmas. WTAF? He still cant stop them, unless you agree which you shouldnt. Be mad at her. Bur your DH sounds like a bully, and if you need support take it. She will always be your mum and hes looking for reasons to wedge you apart. And 4 chocolates a week isnt a reason to let him.

Ask your mum for help. Ask women's aid. Ask at work. But leave this mam, get on the same page as your mum (imo both about no secrets and looking the other way if he likes the occasional freddo) and leave your husband to christmas alone

I'm not blaming her. I watched my mum be reduced to a shell of herself by a mentally abusive and violent person. Being abused can wear you down. I suspect she's very scared of him and that's why she follows his orders to the letter

Millions of women get involved with controlling coercive partners

As I said in a previous post abusers work by making their victim feel worthless and then isolating them from their families

In another thread he's sitting calling her a cunt and a retard. She's not to blame for his issues

I've read all your updates.

You & your children are being abused and living with coercive control.

The issue is not chocolate. The issue is not grandparents. Please go see your GP and speak to a local charity for abused women. This is very very serious and will only get worse. As I was reading your posts it reminded me of the abused woman on Happy Valley whose teacher husband ended up locking up food and only allowing what he deemed acceptable/appropriate.

Please get help for you & your children.

With regards to your DS eating chocolate you should be guided by a doctor not an obsessive misogynist determined to make you obey him.
The withholding of vaccines for a baby is borderline cruelty. It is spiteful, no matter what they say in Texas or Utah.
Your son is going along with the secrets idea from Granny because she seems sensible and practical. He knows that hi father is 'wrong' in all sorts of ways. Please find a way to disconnect your family from this weirdo.

Well this is a weird one!

OP at first I was going to point out that things like bread are far more unhealthy than chocolate, especially darker chocolate without added sugar.

So it transpires DHs worry is likely that DS will develop type 1 diabetes, as it is thought that cow’s milk, gluten and sugars increse the risk of this. If so, what are the reasons why DH has this worry? Were any of his parents Type 1? Even if they were, the risk is very small and DH is being very OTT and totally obsessed. I say that as someone who knows that low-carb/keto/carnivore are very healthy options that actually heal people that have certain issues - especially metabolism issues.

I am assuming that you have asked your sons doctors about diet (not that doctors are trained in anything to do with nutrition) and consulted nutrition experts?

Your parents are out of line for not doing what you instruct and lieing to you, so I am not on their side - they are very much in the wrong too. If your son had a nut allergy it sounds like they would feed him chocolate peanuts if they thought allergies were not a real thing.

OP you need to be in control of the situation - not DH and not your parents.

They are quite happy to allow the mum to collect the kid from school twice a week and take him to an activity outside of that and see him at the weekends. They can't have it all ways. If they don't want her mum to do any of that maybe the OPs husband could do all the things the mum is doing just now

If I had been the mum I would have told them where to go after being banned from Christmas last year - but she clearly wants to see her grandson

Oh and I assume that your mum has paid for your son to go on holiday to Spain and now he's not allowed to go. Your OH is a selfish spiteful nasty cunt and I really hope this thread opens your eyes to that

She can't be in control of anything with a nasty horrible dictator of a partner or husband. He's abusing her

So if your mums abuser had said that you as a child must do what the abuser said or they’d throw you out and disown you, she’d go along with them and agree?