AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

of course he wants chocolate, he'd stuff his face with it until it made him ill if he was allowed

So let him do so. If it makes him ill enough, he probably won't eat it again for years.

Your 'D'H is controlling and abusive and you should leave him.
This is not about chocolate.

Your mum would obviously support you to leave your abusive husband.

Can't you see the only reason she has "betrayed your trust" is she doesn't want to be complicit in the abuse of your DCs.
She's obviously trying to give them some leeway, fun and normality.

You've cancelled Christmas dinner with your mum and grandad? Was it your Oh pushing for that? They also weren't allowed to yours on Christmas day last year either? A 9 year old kid has had a holiday cancelled too

Do you not see that your husband's behaviour has caused all of this? It's completely normal for a grandparent to buy a grandkid a chocolate bar or a bag of crisps. Its his rules that have caused all of this. You're not bothered that your grandad has been banned from Christmas day because he criticised your husband's choices

And your husband doesn't want your kid to see his gran for a year? The same gran who picks him up twice a week from school and takes him to an activity and sees him every weekend?

Oh but they can leave presents by the door - he's an abusive ungrateful insufferable prick.

So your dh has unilaterally decided the whole family needs to eat clean, to the extent and 8 year old boy is now not allowed chocolate and you can't see your family over them disagreeing with this.

You have a dh problem. And a big one. Is he always so controlling?

That is very controlling and abusive behaviour. You know that isn't right. You need to take steps to leave him, otherwise you and your childrrn will suffer and be miserable.

Oh OP, I remember your thread last year about vaccinations and the baby activity table recently.

Please, please call Women's Aid. They can help you make a plan to safely leave this awful, abusive man.

You are so much stronger than you realise and you can do this. Would your parents help you leave?

Of course he will and what's going to happen when he goes to high school. Obviously there are healthy options for school dinners but there will be places where you can buy offers - chips and a can of coke cheaply

He'll be stuffing his face with junk - because it's restricted - and that's why hes probably craving chocolate so much. Because one day he was told he couldn't have it anymore.

I can understand a parent feeling upset when their parenting choices aren't respected by other family members. But your OH does seem extreme and controlling over dietary issues.Your son is 9 yrs old and you and your OH arent going to be able to dictate his food choices for much longer. It wont be long before he does exactly as your family has done ie :eat what he wants and lie to you. The extreme denying of chocolate is probably going to lead to rebellion in the next few years.

By the sounds of it yes

I started off thinking it's about power - and I still do, but it's dm, gd AND oh! About time you took it into your own hands OP, but please don't eat a 🫎 moose, they have enough problems.

How does it make sense (the last time this happened) to "cancel Christmas" but still invite your mother for Christmas Eve? If things are so severe that you want to go no contact, tell her so and don't see her at all, don't make it about Christmas. If you wanted to, you could host your mother and grandfather for the day and make sure they don't give your 9yo any unapproved candy. Certainly, they're not going to come and hand gifts through the doorway and not see the children - that's bonkers (and mean).

This is how the conversation went when I mentioned Christmas and allowing my family round/supervised contact. He will seek a solicitor to remove himself legally from oldests child's birth certificate and instead my mother can be his father.

He can't do this; he's been reading too much Reddit, but it says something about what an arsehole he is that he even threatened it. I agree that your mother shouldn't be lying to you about something she already promised not to do and shouldn't be encouraging your son to lie, but there's a weird dynamic going on here that may be causing everyone, including your 9yo, to act badly. 'd actually be more worried about your husband bullying you and the boys and trying to isolate you than I would be about chocolate.

Your mum is trying to save your kids from a miserable life. Which YOU are complicit in. Who in the blue fuck bans kids from eating potatoes.

There is legislation in the pipeline now. It has been very hard fought for, by Claire Throssel following the deaths of 2 little boys at the hands of their father who had been abusive towards CT while they were together.

This is absolutely dreadful for you and your child. Your OH forced you to eat a restricted diet when pregnant and then forced your child to eat it as well - and you are actually saying that you'll allow your mum supervised access to your child - while he's living with an abusive father?

What about what your child wants - do you think he wants to exist on a diet of eggs meat and dairy?

Missing the point completely!

OP you really need to get out of the abusive controlling relationship now. Go to your Mum and ask her if you and the children can stay with her until you can get sorted out. But do stay out of the clutches of DP.

Wonder if by then the oh will have moved on to “we can’t trust others, we need to home educate, no outsiders, no school, oh White you can stay at home and teach the dc, you don’t need to work”…

It’s hard to apply a set of food rules especially when the person following the diet isn’t on board and their babysitters (your mum and grandad) don’t understand and are also not on board.
You make it even harder for them by not allowing any leeway at all for them, yet you get to give treats.

If your dp wants your DS to be getting long term benefit and better ‘compliance’ from a healthy diet your dp needs to educate DS and your mum and grandad. And he needs to unclench and allow some off plan moments. A healthy diet that a person follows most of the time is probably the way to get long term benefit in this world.

You should probably avoid the word treat as it implies the good stuff is not treat worthy.

Your DP may in fact have good intentions and a good plan but he is going about it the wrong way and this is understandably giving him the label controlling and places you in the middle and at everyone’s mercy.

Your dp’s failure to approach this in a better way is possibly creating an inability to develop a moderation approach to diet in your child, making it so hard for your relatives that they resort to lying and also to your dp demonstrating the hot cold of immature controlling relationships as the way to go for your kids, thereby teaching them unhealthy relationships as well! It is a huge cost and it will probably fail on every front.

Lead by example, have shared goals, reduce the opportunity for people to get it wrong, educate, think long term and apply most of the time but not all. Social times are good times to unclench.

I take it that you have not read the thread @BirdsongMelody

The grandparents could do a masters degree in clean eating and it wouldn’t make a jot of difference because the OP’s husband would move on to something else.

I just wanted to say your husband sounds very controlling and abusive.. Your son is hungry because it sounds like you are restricting him too much.. A growing kid needs carbs too.

Fucking chilling @BirdsongMelody that you think best outcome is for a vindictive, abusive bully to educate DS and your mum and grandad.
hope you don’t have responsibility for anyone vulnerable.

This child is being forced to eat a diet of meat eggs and dairy. No potatoes except on special occasions and clean brownies and cookies. He's controlling because he forced his wife to follow the same diet when she was pregnant. He verbally abuses her regularly and he's isolating her from her close family

Fuck me, please don’t marry “OH”.

Yes practice direction 12j. It still won't mean that men who are emotionally abusive don't get unsupervised contact with their DC.