AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

The OP is being forced to eat a restricted diet by her partner and was when she was pregnant. The 9 year old kid is as well. He's mainly eating meat eggs dairy and occasionally sourdough. Not veg or fruit. He's controlling her and I suspect she's terrified of him and he's using this food issue to isolate the OP from her family

I always found the more you deprived the more they wanted it. Wait till he gets some independence and money in his pocket what do you think he will do?

Whilst I think you are being daft about banning chocolate for health reasons (it is high in iron, minerals, antioxidants etc and dark chocolate is proven to be beneficial for heart health), you are not being unreasonable. This is because you have taken a decision about your son's diet, and your family members are deliberately going against your wishes and feeding him something you have told them he must not have. They are also telling your dc to lie to you about it. So for that reason YANBU.

But you are definitely wrong about chocolate being bad for you in its own right.

Just to add that if the parents write to school with their wishes, the school might comply...but the staff will know that they're* *arseholes eccentric and will talk about them in the staffroom have a professional conversation about it.

We had an email round our school where we were told that we couldn't use any texts involving witches or ghosts with a certain pupil, so we shouldn't use them in class...The Harry Potter series was given a specific mention. (Not a problem at secondary level, admittedly.)

As I told my line manager/ depute "They'll not be wanting the child to study Macbeth or some of the specified texts for English then? Good luck with that. I'll not be instructing my staff to jeopardise the results of an entire class in order to satisfy the wishes of one Baptist nutter religious extremist."

I feel trapped. This is how the conversation went when I mentioned Christmas and allowing my family round/supervised contact. He will seek a solicitor to remove himself legally from oldests child's birth certificate and instead my mother can be his father. He will take away oldests Xbox and he will take our youngest away everytime my mum visits so the youngest won't be around her influence.

Do you really, genuinely think that's a thing he can do? He can remove himself from a birth certificate and stick another person on?

He's pulling out outrageous claims to make you stay.

Please speak to women's aid

I think you misunderstood my point. By controlling what their kids eat I simply mean you're in charge of their meals and snacks. I also don't think any child should be on a restricted diet at this age.

Sorry OP but these sort of eating rules are fanatical.
What you are both teaching your child is that food causes arguments.
Hardly healthy.
Your OP is for reasons best known to him, deciding potatoes and chocolate are going to give your son diabetes. If this was so, every child in Britain would have the condition. They don't.
I understand wanting to avoid additives etc. But this is stretched way too far. So much so it is affecting relationships and communication.

Have you even read the OP's posts?

It's not about the chocolate. It's about living with a controlling and abusive man using whatever tactics he can to isolate her from her family.

It’s not about the chocolate. It is abo it a controlling man forcing his family to eat a restricted diet and trying to isolate them. The child is only allowed potatoes on special occasions fgs.

OP has posted before. The man has her under coercive control.

I've been on Mumsnet since 2000. I've seen so many women like @Whiteoleander2 . Who have been given good advice by mumsnetters. I wonder how many do escape, how many lose their children in courts and how many lose their lives.

The problem is your husband, and his controlling behaviour. He's now trying to isolate you from your parents.

I don't think you can legally do that re birth certificate?

Also who gives a shit if he takes x box, let him.

reading your posts is so painful OP. You are describing a seriously abusive relationship as if it is normal.

At first I thought your parents were out of line, undermining you and getting your ds to lie to you.
But the more you tell us, the more it is obvious that your parents are trying to give your ds a little bit of normality in the middle of a horrible abusive life.

This level of control is insane.
I literally took a deep intake of breath when I read this:

so I was expected to follow it

This is NOT YOUR CHOICE. He is imposing a weird food regime on you in order to control you, and then control your access to your family.

Just to give you a normal perspective, my dh would never tell me what I could and could not eat. It is not up to him, it is up to me. And any decsion for our kids is joint.

Please go to your mum's for Christmas and stay there. Talk to women's aid, talk to police, consult a solicitor. You need OUT

The husband has imposed this diet on his wife and family - including when she was pregnant

Christmas day. Poor kid

@Gettingbysomehow you really need to read the full thread.

Please call women's aid.
Please do not stop talking to your family, you need their support. You keep saying you now have less support becayse of what your mum has done... but really it is due to what your partner is doing!!!!!
Get out. Move in with your mum, take the kids.
This time next year you will have rebuilt and be a different person. You need your mum for support and to help you understand what is normal as you've been so conditioned by your partner.
Please leave. Would you be happy if your child was in this relationship? No you wouldn't, so teach your kids to respect themselves and their children and get out asap.

Leave your husband!! This is not normal! I honestly think you'd be better going to live with your mother or grandfather than staying with this horrible controlling man. Leave now for the benefit of your son. He should be able to enjoy a bit of what he wants every now and again!
What happens when your 9 year old is a teenager and has more say in their own decisions? About sugar, chocolate, alcohol etc?! I suspect there will be conflict all the time. Do you want that?

No I'm sorry you're wrong. It's really unusual to have no contact or long term supervised contact put in a private law order. It's really unlikely that the dad wouldn't get contact if they split.

He is against childhood vaccinations??
I think all you are heading for is children with eating disorders and problems with food in general. Not to mention a very controlling husband.

It's worrying that your husband wants to keep you and your son away from your family! Don't let him cancel Christmas.

Have just read your posts OP.
I would be grateful to your parents for bringing this nonsense to a head.
Your OP has swallowed some information about diet and thinks he is a qualified expert. He is not. Nor is he a dietitian specialising in children's health either.
He is controlling. He uses emotional blackmail.

OP, I wonder if it would help you to reframe
your mum's actions a bit.

She sees her daughter and her grandchildren being abused. Because literally, that's what's going on. And she tries, in a misguided way, to give your son a respite from the abuse.

She certainly hasn't gone about it the right way, but I can easily imagine a way of thinking where she's trying to create a sort of safe emotional space for your son away from the abuse, and the way she defines it is that in that space he can enjoy things that his abuser has forbidden.

Lying to you and encouraging your son to lie to you was totally the wrong way to go about it. But in the balance of whose actions are worse - hers seem to be coming from a place of love and support. Your OH's are not; they are damaging your children as well as you.

OP, does you Mum know that because of this vile man you are in thrall to, her grandson is now banned from eating carbs too? No chip butties, no pizzas, no sticky toffee puddings, no little treat of a bag of crisps. And also about his anti-vax stance...or have you kept that from her? The poor woman must be worried sick, yet you are trying to blame her for your miserable existence. What is going on in your life is not normal and your son will soon realise that