AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Op you do realise he is full of shit. He cannot just remove his name as the dad and your mother certainly cannot just be added as his father. That’s so out there it’s batshit.

You can just leave. You can just walk out that door right now with your two sons and your important documents and leave. You can file for custody with an exact court order.

You CAN do that. You need to choose to do that.

The longer you stay the more damaged your children will be.

He is an abusive partner. He is an abusive father.

At some point you do have to take responsibility for staying. Nobody else can protect your children.

If you had a daughter and she was telling you this was her life you’d want her to leave and protect her babies. So do that.

Such a tragic situation for the child and grandparents, but yes the abused is now becoming an abuser.

OP if you stay with your abusive piece of shit OH, I'd put money on your lad not walking but running away from you both as soon as he's able, never to look back.

That's if he's not so damaged from his parents treatment that he turns to other substances for comfort.

OP I promise, your life would be so much better, your heart and soul so much lighter, and your relationship with your child(ren) so so much better if you can get past the sense of paralysis you currently feel and actually do something to rid yourself of your abuser. (To be clear, that's your OH).

Please get your children out of this toxic household. They don’t deserve to live like this.

You speak to casually about this awful situation as if it’s ok.

If I were your family, I'd be reporting everything possible to social services to get those children and you out of this abusive situation. I hope your family are doing that in the background x

Thank you.

Have you read the posts where the OP has said that her partner has decided to follow a carnivore diet and ordered the OP to follow it when she was pregnant? He's ordered the son to follow it too - so his diet comprises of mostly meat eggs and dairy - whether he likes it or not. I don't think she wants her child to follow this diet. She doesn't either - she's clearly frightened of him

Or the threads where he's texting her abuse? The grandma isn't the issue here. His obsessive abusive controlling behaviour is.

If your lad starts disclosing to school the food restrictions and other Behaviour. Then social get involved and you still won’t leave well that’s on you when they are removed from you.

I’m glad you’ve shared the extra backstory. Whatever your mum has fed your child the huge issue here is your partners level of control and his strong (successful) desire to separate you from your family.

Your husband sounds like a controlling abuser.

He will seek a solicitor to remove himself legally from oldests child's birth certificate and instead my mother can be his father.

This is batshit crazy. He can't remove himself from a child's birth certificate (not unless he has a DNA test proving he isn't the biological father).

@Whiteoleander2 you are seeing this all wrong, it's your husband that is the problem, not your mother. You need to stand up for yourself and for your children

He won't be 9 forever @Whiteoleander2. Poor kid.

This isn’t about food. The op is on an abusive relationship. Good is simply being used as a way to control and isolate.

Reading your responses on here, your relationship with OH sounds concerning. You're willing to lose a relationship with your family, and stop your son seeing his grandmother, who it sounds like he loves, because your OH - who sounds very controlling and manipulative btw - is throwing a stop about grandma handing out sweets and chocolate? It's giving major red flags imo that he wants to keep your family at arms length. I'd have a really hard think about why it's OH's way or the highway, and why on earth you're putting up with that. You should be allowed a say in how to parent your own son ffs.

Social services would not remove a child because they've been put on a restricted diet. They are underfunded and over stretched. However this is abuse and I really hope the OP can make plans to get out. ASAP

You are being controlled and isolated. Your children are in an unstable environment and I think they need their nan on their side. Please get out and get help

You sound absolutely crazed. Think about your poor DS and how he feels about all of this. You and your DH sound horribly controlling. Don't ruin your family over this pettiness.

You sound like controlling parents who are going to give their son an eating disorder...
Allergies I can understand. But yabvvvvu banning all chocolate for a child. Your poor kid, and to be caught in the middle of all this.

Bloody hell, reading your updates are terrifying. Your oh is a disgusting vile controlling pos. Open your eyes, op. Your poor child. It's no wonder your parents are going behind his back, and being kind to your child. He's clearly living with horrid parents.

The food would flag school to start talking.

When the behaviour and control the dh puts over the whole family comes to light they would’ve involved. The food would be the trigger.

When ops parents that add in what they have seen as well as the child’s voice. The op will get given two choice leave or lose them.

Don’t think your DM is BU, I think she’s trying to make sure you DS has a balanced diet! I assume it’s not just chocolates, she probably gives him fruit, potatoes, veg, etc. too right??

and did you seriously go Keto whilst you were pregnant?! What does you OH do?? Unless he’s a dietitian or doctor surely these are dangerous decisions!!

I have known people who use drugs who have social services involvement - they tend to try and keep families together. They aren't going to run in and take two children away over an issue like this - because there's always other children in much worse situations

And that isn't the way to deal with an issue like this either - from social services part. He's the abuser. He really should be the one to go. She shouldn't be threatened with having her kids taken off her - she needs support to get out with them if he won't leave

He's abusing her and she can't see it - it is not easy to get out of situations like this. He's isolated her from her family - huge red flag.

He forced her to follow this diet while pregnant. She said so in the first post

Hi OP, is it mody diabetes he could get? I have this form of genetic diabetes and any child I have also has a 50% chance of developing it. I totally understand about limiting chocolate and bad foods and think you are right.

Please read the full thread. This is about control
Not food. The op is in an abusive relationship and needs help to leave

Please get yourself and your dc away from this idiot. Banning one particular food is stupid, obviously the child will crave and binge on it given the opportunity. Your family, as you are well aware, is not the problem.

He will seek a solicitor to remove himself legally from oldests child's birth certificate and instead my mother can be his father.

You should leave him for this.

What an embarrassment.