AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

You've read the thread I take it? The chocolate and diet thing is just a red herring, this about an abusive prick, it always was....

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Have you bothered to RTFT and seen the links to previous threads that OP has posted about her abusive partner have been referenced?

Seriously - he can go fuck himself. Let him remove his name from the birth certificate. I really hope you are beginning to see that your mum isn't the problem here. He is

My mum was trapped in a two year abusive marriage when I was ten. He refused to leave. He didn't hit her until after they were married.

He beat her -although she tried to fight back. He stole money from her. He mentally abused her. Gaslit her
He tried to strangle her one day when she was holding my brother. One day he took his elbow off her lip and split it and refused to let her go to hospital. (Worse but I won't say it here)

That was back in the day when battering your wife was just seen as a domestic argument. She eventually told my uncle what was going on - and he threw him out.

My mum is very lucky to be alive. The point I'm trying to make is - I hope this never ever happens to you - but he's abusing you. I hope he never turns violent - but he could. There are huge red flags in all your posts

Please tell your mum what is going on -don't make excuses for him - he's the issue. This isn't about what your family have done. It's about him forcing you and your child to eat a ridiculous restrictive diet against your wishes

He's a horrible toxic bully and I hope you see from peoples responses that this is not a normal way to live

Do you supply them with a full packed lunch when you drop them off or you want them to shop for your green list of foods. If the latter then you are being unreasonable. It’s also hard to change preferences for a 9 year old ie if you are now vegan I don’t know any child that age who will abide by that. You are putting your parents in a position to be the bad guy every single time they have your kids. If they don’t see them often then that’s mean as they have to say no and enforce your new laws every time instead of enjoying that time together.

Because the OP has posted other threads saying that her husband is cruel controlling and abusive

I don't understand how a woman can put an abusive man before their children's wellbeing.

😥

Thanks for your kindness. No, I can't see her previous posts, maybe that's a premium thing? Or perhaps you could help the person actually fucking asking for context and point to them.

They aren't vegan. The husband follows a carnivore diet and has forced the OP and their son to follow it too

Your partner sounds very controlling . I'd be more worried about that than your mum and grandad giving your some some treats that he obviously wants and enjoys .
Aslong as they are not putting your son in danger by feeding him things he's allergic to I think you need to chill out he's 9 and should be allowed to decide if he can have something he clearly enjoys from time to time .
Also it's not sons fault at all you should not be inflicting your lifestyle choices on a child and be putting the responsibility of that on him .

Sorry this is absolutely ridiculous and your husband sounds like a control freak. I’d be cancelling Christmas with him and inviting my mum and grandad back.

I'd be surprised if there was a grandparent on earth who wasn't slipping their grandkids 'forbidden' treats with a nod and a wink and a 'Don't tell your parents!'

They're not maliciously teaching him that it's ok to lie to you. They're giving him the much needed chance to let off steam away from what sounds like an overly controlling and borderline abusive dynamic at home.

A Google search of the OPs username will take you to her other posts

So you can't scroll back through any of the pages?

@isthisright2020 maybe read the thread before posting something completely unhelpful.

Only read this thread ,just seen references to another thread and seriously your partner is a scary person who has extreme need to control you and son .

Because sometimes women are trapped in abusive relationships and have nowhere to go. Or are too frightened to leave. Or have no money to get out. Or are too frightened to tell their family what is going on

You don't need to see her previous threads, this thread is enough to see that she is in a controlling relationship. How can you be so obtuse?

Your husband is abusive and you need to get out. It will only get worse. Your children will run as soon as they old enough to get away.

Have a feeling your eldest child has said to your parents how unhappy he is with his home life which is why they sneak him chocolate etc when he is with them. Usually I agree with grandparents abiding by parents rules but I think this case is very different.

I hope you can get the support you need to leave this man.

AIBU about baby activity table | Mumsnet Previous post

From your updates it’s obviously a control issue and I would suggest removing your partner from your lives, however we’ve got children with a specific faulty gene that leads to a health problems if not controlled. The faulty gene has been passed down through the family, so the children that are affected are under the care of a consultant because they were all genetically tested for it as toddlers
Part of controlling their condition is dietary and I have had various appointments with dieticians etc all who have advocated strongly I DONT do what your DH is trying to impose.
I have been advised by trying to restrict ‘bad items’ from the children they will in fact seek them out, lie and when old enough to control/manage their own diet they will more than likely have issues doing so because of the guilt around eating certain things.
I cook from scratch and once we realised they had inherited the condition eat a more vegetarian/fish diet. However I don’t stop Grandparents buying them a cake from the bakery once a week when they pick them up from school or having a chocolate bar/crisps as part of a balanced diet.
Unless your child is seeing their grandparents every single day and getting a big bar of chocolate it’s unlikely to be causing as a big a problem as you as a family have decided it is.
Your parents shouldn’t be telling your child to lie to you or giving them things that they’ve been asked not to, but I have a feeling they are doing it because of the level control that is being exerted by your partner, banning them from a year and threatening to remove himself from a birth certificate?? He sounds absolutely bonkers

I am with you OP. I would be severely pissed off that a family member was giving sugar to my child and then getting them to lie to my face about it, if it’s something that you don’t allow. Seems like strange behaviour and it would make me lose trust in them.

I don’t give added sugar to my 2 year old and I would be annoyed if granny was feeding her chocolate. Definitely harder to implement when older, but at the very least family members should be able to follow suit. It’s not hard to feed children healthy food. Your kid your rules.

My granda allowed me to drink fizzy juice and lots of sugar at his house when I was a young teenager and I think that was the start of my weight issues. I wish someone had protected me from that.

However, I do think you could still allow him to see his grandma. Even if supervised? Maybe a bit far to cancel Christmas Day when you control the food.

I'd never advocate splitting a family up, but yours doesn't sound much like a family, just you, 2 DC and a person that dictates what the former can do.

Yes, your DM shouldn't go against your wishes, or should say your DH's, I really believe she can see through him and realises he's incredibly controlling.

The best thing you can do for your DC is start the new year as a family of 3, leave this man and start a fresh as unless your DH changes his ways once your DS is old enough at best he'll walk away....rather that than another DC that's been damaged by their childhood.

There's far more going on here than just chocolate.

Leave!!! This is so abusive. Your poor children

It's such a shame that this forum has just become an echo chamber for unfriendly people. People have commented saying her previous threads (note: threads, not posts) have given away that there's more to the story. I've asked what that additional context is, because I can't find it. Because I care. But posts like yours are just so rude and dismissive, I'm giving up. Sorry I'm not a mumsnet super fan with every OP's history open.

Thank you.