AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Him removing his name from the birth certificate sounds like a win - if/when you split up, he'll have no right to contact.

You need to get him to write this down and then get yourself to women’s aid and use the above against him in a custody case . Can you move in with your mum. ? You cannot continue to have your older child around this man

"He will seek a solicitor to remove himself legally from oldests child's birth certificate and instead my mother can be his father. He will take away oldests Xbox and he will take our youngest away everytime my mum visits so the youngest won't be around her influence."

You KNOW that's batshit, right?? I've been in an abusive marriage. I've been the boiled frog. I understand it's hard to see when you're in the middle of it. But surely even now you KNOW this is insane and that you need to leave, before Christmas?

And that there's no mechanism for removing himself from a birth certificate (shame, it'd do you a favour). And that not having an Xbox is the least of your kid's concerns.

Has your mum got space to house the three of you temporarily?

What are the rest of us missing here? How has this suddenly turned into a women's aid topic?

If you feel trapped, how do you think your DS feels? And he has no agency or autonomy to do something about it.

You do.

So stop this stupidity about chocolate & banning your parents from seeng your son, and do something about getting away from this controlling man.

In the past, women were often criticised for "failing to protect" their children, or "choosing" their partner over their children

But that approach is dated / old fashioned now that we have a better understanding of domestic abuse

And there are valid reasons why some women may choose to stay in a relationship, if they feel it's the best way to protect the children from eg Dad having sole control during unsupervised contact

Safe and Together / David Mandel might interest you, if you want to know more. This is the model that social workers in my part of the UK use

Then you just say no, take the children and leave.
If he wants to get his name removed from the birth certificate (not sure he can just decide to do that) then great. And no he doesnt get to take your baby away from your mum.
Stop making excuses you arent trapped but your children are.

You have a very controlling and domineering partner. It's his way of the highway, with no compromise or listening to others view points or opinions. You are allowing a man to control what you and your children eat, nothing wrong in eating healthy but this is beyond that. He's abusive. He's using any means to control you and your children. Now he wants to ban you Mum for a year!!

He’s abusive. Very abusive.

You're not trapped at all. You are not even married. You are ALLOWING this to happen. There is plenty of support out there for women in DA situations and you have a supportive mother. Stop with the excuses and protect your DC now. That's your primary role as a mother.

In the past, women were often criticised for "failing to protect" their children, or "choosing" their partner over their children

But that approach is dated / old fashioned now that we have a better understanding of domestic abuse

And there are valid reasons why some women may choose to stay in a relationship, if they feel it's the best way to protect the children from eg Dad having sole control during unsupervised contact

Safe and Together / David Mandel might interest you, if you want to know more. This is the model that social workers in my part of the UK use

The biggest issue here is your DH. I hope you see the light and find the courage to leave.

Oh sweetheart.
Please call womens aid or Refuge.

Look at getting a restraining order, make sure it has powers of arrest attached which means if he breaks it the police can stop him.

Numbers and links below:

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
0808 2000 247

www.refuge.org.uk
tel:08082000247 0808 2000 247

Restraining order help:
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-violence-protection-orders/

You can escape him and be free, and safe.

To everyone else - what the op needs is constructive advice and support, not being repeatedly told she's failing.

"Why doesn't she just leave?" by Lundy Bancrift might interest you. It's really not that simple

Because he is abusive - controlling, coercive, verbally , emotionally… towards the op and her dc

Because the OP is clearly being coercively controlled and needs help to deal with that

Sorry but to some extent women should be criticized for refusing to remove their children from abusive relationships. In this case the mum doesnt actually seem concerned for the children at all and is almost complicit in this abuse, shes more concerned her mum didnt respect her ridiculous and harmful rules for her son.

None of that makes you trapped. I understand it is hard but you need to woman up and do this for your kids.
Let him see a solicitor. Let him apply to be removed from the birth certificate. None of that matters and it shouldn't control you. Who cares?
What you should be focusing on is getting your kids away from this abusive bully. Just focus on that.
Put everything else to one side. If you want to set boundaries with your mum do that later from a place of safety.
I would bet she'll be a whole lot more cooperative to what you want when she knows it's not coming from an abuser who is calling all the shots in the background.

OP please get rid, my sister was stuck for 7 years and her eldest daughter my niece who is 11 (he was the Step parent) she is absolutely ruined, we were not allowed to see my sisters kids until she finally got rid. The damage he left on all 3 kids is horrendous (2 were his). You are strong enough to get out. Staying is going to impact your children. Life is too short to live this way, don’t cut your mum off or limit her, parents are not around forever, Christmas is a magical time, a time for family.
there are lots of organisations out there that can help you. Praying for and your children.

I mean I also think banning chocolate is OTT but are people seeing more than that?

I think there comes a point when a woman who allows her OH to do this to her children becomes culpable.

She is a victim, yes. But her children are at risk and in my eyes, they need to take priority. The OP is an adult and she has choices but her children do not.

He'd be doing your eldest a favour - if he had no parental responsibility for him, he couldn't restrict his eating. But obviously that leaves the little one at his mercy, not to mention you still.

You mention being trapped – does your DM and granddad know how bad it is? If you asked them, would they collect you and the DC while your OH was out at work and take you to stay at theirs?

It sounds like you need to leave your controlling husband who is making life miserable for your son, your mother, and ultimately you too. Your mum sounds very supportive and available. Please go to her. Your poor son should be allowed some chocolate and doesn't need to be on a keto diet at his age.

Banishing your mum from your house because of chocolate is just an excuse - he wants to remove your mother from your life because she can see that he's controlling and abusive.

I know :(. I think I’m just being hopeful. I’ve watched it play out. I’ve watched a dear friend being beaten almost to a pulp and then go back. She was so worn down she couldnt see a way out, she didn’t believe she deserved anything more and we could tell her over and over and over she didn’t have to live like it. She just couldn’t let go though.

Then he stabbed her. Shes alive and free now, but such a high price to pay for living without fear.

That's scaremongering and sole contact will not be given to an abusive parent. The fact OP has a record of DA with GP etc means there will be good grounds for her OH not having sole contact if they split. There are contact centres etc. This narrative is highly damaging.