AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

You need to protect your children from this man.

@Whiteoleander2

Ketovore diets are dangerous, especially for children. Your OH is causing far more damage to your son than the chocolate and any tiny possible risk of diabetes (which is ridiculous). I googled and copy and paste the following as it's more concise than I could have typed out. But please do read it and pay attention. Is this what you you want for your child? Please leave him, there's a good reason your mum was lying to you, she's probably very worried that your OH is battering you physically as well as mentally.

A "ketovore" diet (very low carb/keto) in children, often used medically for epilepsy, carries risks like constipation, dehydration, nutrient deficiencies, slowed growth, kidney stones, high cholesterol, fatigue, and GI issues (nausea, reflux, diarrhea). While effective for certain conditions, it requires strict medical supervision to monitor development, bone health, and manage side effects, which can include bad breath (ketone odor) and poor concentration.

You do realise OP that your husband imposing this diet on you when you were pregnant is abuse? He doesn't have the right to dictate what you eat. He really does not. And he certainly doesn't have the right to demand that you and your 9 year old follow the same diet as him

I was about to call them when this happened and now I feel I have less support due to my mum acting this way and not being able to trust her as she also tried to use my son against me

Your mum hasn't tried to use your son against you - she's simply not insisted your son stick to your husbands controlling rules when he's with her.

Your husband is controlling. You know this.

If your mum had stuck to the rules over the chocolate your husband would have made a new rule, then a new one after that until she failed the test and could be blocked. Because it's not about the chocolate. It's about the control and isolating you. As you know in your heart.

It's not a coincidence that as you start to get stronger and consider seeking help to leave that your husband has isolated you further.

It's textbook.

She won’t leave. She wants us to validate her DHs view that her parents should be banished.

She’s more interested in keeping him placated than removing her children from their abusive home.

Something will give eventually, he’ll escalate to physical control, or one of the kids will get sick due to their limited diet etc. Then the options will be removed by official bodies. Can only hope it’s not too late.

Jesus H Christ

upset with your mum for what?

she’s not forcing you to live with an abusive narcissistic tw@t

shes looking after your son to try and give him some semblance of escape and normality and you are justifying your DH reaction

Well cut your mum off and it’s another strand of you continuing to enable his abuse. You are a victim and I hope you get away but your children are victims too. You do t care about your grandad as he shouted at you while your DH ruins the lives of you all. You are parroting his framing of these situations.

Would your parents let you and the children stay? Your feelings at your mother are at the wrong adult entirely.

Your OH is controlling, abusive, and I suspect not very bright. You MUST protect your sons OP. Your DM must be privately tearing her hair out with worry. You are focusing your anger on the wrong people. It's not the chocolate that's toxic here, it's your abusive partner. Please choose your children and DM over this excuse for a father.
Do NOT let him reduce contact between yourself/sons, and your DM. He will isolate you.

Your husband is abusive. Thank God your children have their Grandma looking out for their well-being. How long and how much damage are you going to allow until you realise that?

As an aside, I'll warrant your son's behaviour is worse when he's seen your mother because he realises how batshit crazy his home set-up is, not because of a sodding kitkat.

"Clearly angry?" Nope. Frustrated when posters don't click "see all" straight away to check for any OP updates when a thread is already 18 pages long? Yep.

OP I have every sympathy for you but you need a kick up the arse here. Why on earth are you exposing your children to this horrendous man? He is quite obviously controlling and trying to isolate you and I think you know that but are quite enjoying your role in it as well. A ketovore diet is not healthy and should not be imposed on children so why the hell are you allowing this? Why are you blaming your mum and directing your anger towards her? Shes trying to protect your son and give him some sort of normalcy and your big complaint is that she betrayed your trust- you are not thinking coherently an frankly by allowing this to continue you are being a shit mum.
Yes your mum shouldnt teach your son to keep secrets from you but that's a very tiny issue compared to why he needs to keep secrets. Hes keeping secrets cause hes not safe in his own home.

I’d go one step further and suggest that if SS step in and remove the kids and any criminal conviction follows she’s at risk of being pulled into that too as enabling him and failing to protect her children. She knows what he’s like - she says she’s made attempts to get help in previous thread but turned it down - she’s chosen to stay and keep the kids in that place

if that’s the case that will be documented all over the shop

This, I started reading feeling sorry for @Whiteoleander2, then worried for her and the dc.
now I only worry about the dc given she willingly is placing the baby at risk by refusing to have them vaccinated in order to do a pick me dance for the shit of a oh!

Domestic abuse is not about victims choosing to be abused

It's about perpetrators exerting control and power

I think 2 things can be true at the same time. Grandparents should not be telling children to lie to parents or going against parents wishes. However, that does not mean that the parents in this case are acting in the child's interests. The father is controlling and abusive (see previous threads if in doubt), and OP is in denial about being in an abusive relationship and is failing to protect her children. Its easier to cut people from their lives if they dare to question or challenge. Her son is even more at risk now because he is at an age where he is questioning his fathers irrational decisions and rules. He'll start talking about it to other children, teachers etc which might flag concerns.

At some point the victim is choosing the abuse particularly if there are innocent children involved that they refuse to protect.

This ⬆️

I see it so often on these threads and I'm sure many posters think they're shocking the victim into leaving but when someone has been manipulated and ground down so much just telling them they're a shit mum isn't going to have the effect they hope, but the opposite.

Yes it's difficult to see someone trapped into inaction, but that'd what abuse does to a person. It's brainwashing.

Your mum is also doing you a favour picking your child up twice a week from school. Takes him to an activity on a Thursday night and sees him Saturday and Sunday too - to give you a break presumably as you have a young baby - but all you seem to be concerned about is that that's an opportunity to give him chocolate

I suspect you don't want to be eating this stupid restrictive diet as well.

There is nothing wrong with your kid eating chocolate in moderation. Or crisps or whatever the treat he likes is. Why should he have to eat some bloody clean eating sourdough cookie or some chocolate mousse with whipped cream on it as a treat?

He's 9 years of age and he's being forced to follow a diet that he doesn't want to

I feel trapped. This is how the conversation went when I mentioned Christmas and allowing my family round/supervised contact. He will seek a solicitor to remove himself legally from oldests child's birth certificate and instead my mother can be his father. He will take away oldests Xbox and he will take our youngest away everytime my mum visits so the youngest won't be around her influence.

Are you actually married to this controlling and abusive man ?
as you refer to him as oh thus other half.

Your life and that of your children whom you love and should want the best lives for them will be so much better without him.

if you are not married that means you do not need to divorce.

walk away now, go back to your mum with the children now.

He sounds mentally unstable.

It's not always that easy to get out of a situation like that. With co ercive control and abuse often comes financial abuse - cutting people off from friends and family - and where do they go. I do agree she needs to go or he needs to leave - but it's not always black and white

You know that this is all kinds of wrong!

You’ve even seen the future impact in your own life: ‘My dad made me cut contact with my grandma when I was around 13 and it had a massive impact on my relationships with people growing up’. Why repeat the cycle?

I can tell you that you are pushing your son into an even more dysfunctional future because you will certainly be adding eating disorders to the list of possible outcomes. If you want to raise a secret binge eater with no control over his sugar cravings, then you go right ahead.

Hopefully though you’ll grow a backbone and see that your children deserve better than this, even if you can’t do it for yourself.

chocolate moose (made with whipped cream/cocoa and sweetened with vanilla extract

Ha ha ha - first go to Canada and kill your moose (except I think it's illegal there).

Honestly, YABU - you & your DH are controlling and OTT.

Of course a lot of sweets are not great for a child, but banning chocolate not a productive response.

You could literally walk away. Now. Right now.

Pick up your phone, your purse and your kids and just leave.

I really wish you would