AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

I would imagine your parents are very worried about what your child is seeing/experiencing at home. Dont think they dont know. Perhaps you need to convide in them. If your child grows up seeing how you are treated, that could be the way he treats a wife. Who found out about the chocolate? I hope it wasn't you.

Your Mum is seeing what your OH is doing to your son and trying to make things a bit better. You need to consider what you want to do, but it sounds like your OH is very controlling and I imagine food is not the only thing he is controlling over. You are trapped in a cycle but I imagine your Mum can see it from the outside, and the impact it is having on your son.
Please consider your next steps before things get worse for your son, what will happen when he is a teenager and choosing to eat something because it is what he wants? Or when he is an adult and goes no contact because of what is childhood is like? You have more control over the situation than he does, and he needs you to make some choices

@NeverBeAPart

If you read her other threads, and the detail on this one, the OP is an abusive relationship, the GPs are the least of her problems.

Can you post said threads please?

imagine in the future.

So why don’t you talk to you mum James? Well she cut off all her family as they fed me apples and gave me the occasional chocolate bar.

apples??? 🧐

yeah we were not allowed fruit as children, or potatoes. No broccoli either. All banned. Not even a cucumber sandwich.

confused look 🤨

so mum banned my grandparents and great grandparents from our lives.

@Whiteoleander2

https://refuge.org.uk/
I know it isn’t that easy with children, but there are organisations that can help. Controlling behaviour is abuse and I would urge you to seek help.
I am sure your mother and grandfather would support you and your children in being safe. Please look after yourself. ❤️

I have no reason to think this post is a wind up but I sincerely hope it is.
Otherwise, your poor, poor children.
You have a choice to stay with this poor excuse of a man or to leave but your children don’t.

I usually have no problem with “do not teach a child to be sneaky” but you genuinely have left me unsure of how to think. I’m trying to draw on experiences within my family. I really don’t know.

This clearly is a complex family situation.

You are living with a nut-job anti-vaxxer? This man is into coercive control, he's a narcissist. Telling you what you could and could not eat during pregnancy is massive red flag.
I gather from other posts that you often put up posts about this man you live with. Advice. Leave. Go to your mum with your DC and get away from this man who punishes you for feeding your DC, who thinks it's ok not to vaccinate them against diseases which can kill and maim them. Go. 💐

You all deserve each other. Poor DS.
I have a few friends who took on a sugar free, vegan lifestyle, their DC now teenagers young adults, who can't be controlled.
All the teenagers, young adults are overweight, some are heavy drinkers too.

To be clear, I think the diet is awful (although from what I’ve read the GPs are sneaking him chocolate, rather than actual healthy stuff?). But I still think it’s wrong to encourage a child to lie. He’s basically being caught in the middle of the GPs and the parents, and learning “If you do X, mum will be mad, so do it but don’t tell her”. I think that’s concerning.

Its a very difficult situation, but I feel that it would be better for the GPs to have an open conversation with OP and the son, and establish what exactly the “diet” is supposed to be for and how much they’re prepared to go along with it.

I mean, giving him chocolate and telling him to lie about it isn’t helping anyone.

It's an abusive situation.

I think it depends on what your food restrictions are and why? My response would differ wildly if you were imposing a strict fruitarian diet on a child, for example vs a sensible approach to managing a health limiting food allergy. So it think it’s very much context specific as to whether you’re being unreasonable or not!

Ah, thanks. I didn’t realise there was a back story already. I was just going by what OP had said on this thread.

If you read the OPs other threads - this man is highly abusive to her and has been very recently - horribly abusive over texts to her - chocolate and the kid lying is the least of this I think

Sorry, posted without rtft.

Gently, you are being unreasonable. You obviously have been reading extreme influencer type stuff because a few chocolate bars a year will not cause diabetes. A healthy diet is beneficial to all but cutting out unless for allergy / intolerance reasons is not going to prevent disease like type 2 diabetes, certainly not in a 9 year old. Rather than lambasting your family i would suggest you get proper medical advice on the situation, and learn what moderation means. No child should be have daily chocolate, but a monthly treat from grandparents will not hurt him, even mass market bars, the concept of clean foods is made up by people trying to sell books, lifestyle help and foods, moderation is key

Sorry I should’ve read the whole thread first! I think your op sounds awful. And it’s well understood I think that very restrictive approaches to food in childhood can be a cause of disordered eating in teens/adults so I think you’re causing more harm than good tbh.

The thread that the OP posted the other day has me really concerned that his controlling behaviour will escalate. OP - this man talks to you as if he hates you.

Please tell your family what is going on and what kind of situation you are in.
It's domestic abuse. There's no other word for it

The husband imposed the diet on the entire family

Not sure which religion forbids potatoes and bread? How about rice, pasta, other (necessary) carhohydrates? Never heard of such outside of cults.

Just fucking leave him. I'm so sick of parents like you choosing to stay in abusive relationships and traumatising their children. My mum did the exact same, she knew damn well my dad was abusive but stayed until we ended up in 2 different refuges and he got arrested. Just leave, go to women's aid with your 2 kids and stay away from him. I have BPD and major trauma from my stupid parents decisions.

I'm sorry but you clearly know this relationship is unhealthy so you're no longer a victim, rather a willing participant. But you won't leave, you'll stay until one of you gets almost killed or even worse actually murdered. And then your children will cut the pair of you off and end up in therapy and self harming and on medication for their MH for the rest of their life. Go to women's aid, go to the council, literally go anywhere fucking else and get help. There's so many options for women to leave abusive relationships now. Take important paperwork, some clothes and your kids and make the right decision.

Few thoughts here;

1. Your OH sounds incredibly controlling and needs to chill the feck out because, as every single parent of a secondary age child will tell you, your control over what he eats is going to vastly reduce VERY soon. Kids, teens in particular, like to mirror their peers and DS is highly unlikely to want to set himself apart. He needs a bit of wiggle room.
2. If this is about the child's weight or a reaction to certain additives that's one thing, but if it's purely about 'clean' eating, it's way too much. Yes, I've read the book and yes, I try to cook from scratch and get the family to eat better, but an 80:20 ratio is recommended, mostly so the kids feel like they're not missing out entirely and so the habit can last long term. If not, it's highly likely that DS will be snorting pure Cadburys & Haribo every time he leaves the house.
3. The lies from your parents isn't OK and you're right to push back but ruining Xmas?! Yet more of OH's control, there.
4. Your poor boy is stuck in the middle of all this. If he really does have a weight or genetic issue, nobody around him is teaching him good, SUSTAINABLE habits for the future, IMO. You and OH are teaching him puritanism (that's highly unlikely to work long term and probably will cause him to feel like shit about himself every time he 'fails' as an adult) and his GP's are teaching him that he can have whatever he wants and should hide things from parents. Crappy adults all around him. Well intentioned but crap nevertheless.

YABU, also you’re going to give your 9 year old an eating disorder by isolating and restricting certain food groups. The fact he hasn’t told you what his nan and great grandad has been slipping him is proof that you’ve started the cycle early, hiding things, eating in secret, feeling shame and bad. I personally feel that being rigid with food groups is unhealthy and unnecessary, disordered eating habits have formed from your choices already.
life if too short to cancel Christmas, time is precious. Your oh sounds controlling. Sorry

So he's abusing his child as well as his pregnant wife? Awesome.