AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

You are having children with someone who'd incredibly unreasonable, OP. He wants to limit not only your food, but your contact with your children.

I thought your mum was giving peanuts to a child with an allergy from the way you were talking.

Your partner changed his diet and now wants everyone else to change theirs, too. Can't you see how unreasonable that is? What about your own point of view? Does he think you're entitled to one?

Severely restricting carbs for a growing child is surely child abuse! They need carbs!

Also YAB even more U because your son is going to end up with some seriously disordered thinking around food if you keep needlessly restricting him.

All food is healthy food in moderation.

And all the research tells us that forcing children to eat or letting them go hungry only exacerbates fussy eating problems.

You ‘D’ H needs to get out of the 90s

Yes the same thought occurred to me. The fact that the boy is apparently putting on weight from the odd chocolate bar suggests his body is in starvation mode.

@Whiteoleander2 you need to know that these sorts of diets can really fuck up an adult's metabolism, god knows what it's doing to a child's

I hope it doesn’t take your children getting ill for you to leave this man, you really need to break free.
we have type 1 diabetes in the family. The extremely healthy extremely fit 20 year old type 1 eats chocolate. You’ll never ever be as strong as he is nor I expect will anyone on this thread.

In one of the OPs posts she said - he doesn't like my family being around anyway.

For me, the main issue would be that the GPs have encouraged the son to lie to you. It’s a terrible message to send - it’s “Do what you want and just lie about it”. I’d be furious about that.

They are also undermining you by giving him something he’s not supposed to have. In terms of how angry I’d be about that, it depends how much they were giving him and how often, but by and large I wouldn’t let someone look after my child if they did repeatedly and deliberately did things that I had explicitly asked them not to do.

To me, it doesn’t matter whether you’re right or wrong to ban chocolate - the point is that you have, and are being overruled.

No Pandora bare minimal. No fruit. No veg. Hardly a carb in sight.

Those poor poor children. I’m sorry op but you can’t hide behind your dh in all of this. You are complicit to abusing these children.

If you won’t leave for you. Leave for your children. They deserve better.

If you don’t leave they will leave you when old enough anyway and then it will just be you all alone with this abusive pos man.

Why do you feel the need to be complicit in this OP.

Are you scared of your husband?

I disagree. I think it’s reasonable to highlight something that someone may have not seen - you may note that the OP added another post explaining, so that information wasn’t available to me until I clicked ‘see all’ by OP. There are courteous ways to bring this to someone’s attention, though. That’s what I thought was rude, not you highlighting that I had missed it.

You may note that I did go on to state that this clearly was about control from the OH and not the chocolate or food itself. I am in no way making light of the situation and I am shocked that you gleaned that from my use of the ‘kettle of fish’ idiom. You are clearly angry about the situation OP has revealed themselves to be in, as we all rightly should be and presumably are. I don’t think I’m the target here.

OP - please for goodness sake don’t lose your relationship with your family.

Christ!
Why are you not thinking of leaving your abusive husband?
He is doing everything he can to isolate you from your family. Your parents must be tearing their hair out at what is happening to you and your children.
It seems you would have their full support if you leave him. Have a think about this.
Your poor children are going to be seriously affected living with that horrific abusive bastard.

Ordinarily perhaps. However in this situation the op and her children are victims of domestic abuse - and the children of neglect too - so I back the grandparents all the way

You are an adult op.

you are in charge of whether you are abused or not. So for you, it’s your choice to remain with a man who should be in prison and castrated.

however

YOU ARE RUINING YOUR CHILDRENS LIVES TOO BY STAYING WITH THIS ABUSER.

and they have no choice. No agency. An abuser for a father and a mother who sides with him and subjects them to living like this.

your poor poor children.

Fruit and veg too

Reminder to posters that on average it takes women 7 attempts to leave their abusers so don't judge her too harshly for struggling to grasp the seriousness of her situation - domestic abuse is effectively brainwashing and isn't easily unpicked.

Op your mum should not have lied but it sounds like she’s in a tough place. He found the excuse he was looking for to cancel Christmas with family. He was always going to find something.

Please call women’s aid, they will help you.

The OP was forced to follow this diet by her partner. During pregnancy. The 9 year old child has also been forced to follow this diet

I bet if the OP was on her own with two kids the 9 year old wouldn't be existing on a diet of eggs dairy and meat with occasional sourdough - and neither would she.

This

Basically you’re in an abusive marriage, but you’re mad at your mum for not toeing the line and pandering to your abuser? In principle I’d agree with you about the lies and breaking boundaries, but maybe she had enough? Maybe she’s hoping you had enough too? Or that you’ll hit rock bottom and get yourself and your children out of this toxic, controlling and abusive home?

What will it take OP? Don’t you deserve better? Don’t your children deserve better?

I read some of this but I can’t read it all because it’s triggering.

Your husband is a controlling maniac. Please do not cut off your family.

And Remember you are a person in your own right.

Oh God. Is this the misfortunate woman who owns the house they are in, and whose OH was recently ejected for abusive control? The husband was supposed to be off the scene by now.

But in any event, this OP is clearly just implementing her husband’s diktats and it’s all shattering family relationships and the health and mood of the nine year old boy, God love him.
I hope she can find a way out of this imprisoning relationship.

Christ but the lives so many women are coerced into leading, by blank (and justified) fear of a certain expression of masculinity.
Despite that twisted masculinity being decades out of date, you’d think, it is still being pushed via tv and film as THE way a real man presents himself.
These basic inadequates are never told ‘No’ from toddlerhood on, and violence surrounds them as an aura. God help the women who fall for them.

Huh; it’s a wild wet Sunday here, and a very good day to count one’s blessings.
OP if you see this, Im sending love and encouragement to you, and hope things calm down asap and permit you a space around Christmas where you can exhale. 🙏🏻🎄

I personally do know this. I grew up with domestic abuse and violence - in the days where there wasn't as much support for women. The OP is aware that the family dynamics are wrong.

Your husband is being very controlling and cutting off your family members over CHOCOLATE! That's madness. I'd understand if he has allergies, but he does not! You are both being very cruel to your children and your family members. You and your husband sound bat shit crazy. My friends SIL decided that she wanted her children to go sugar free. It affected parties, cue her 4 children crying because they couldn't have the cake. The parents secretly had sugar but not the kids because of health reasons. That was 20 years ago and those children turned into sugar addicted adults, because they were never allowed it! All 4 are now obese. You have to offer a balance to children.

@Ddakji Can you post the other threads if you can access them? I'd like to understand the bigger picture.

Let your child be a child. He can make his own choices when he’s older.

Jeez, some people make hard work of life. 🙄

Yes, YABU.