AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Your OH is a controlling b**tard and youre enabling it. Your poor ds and your poor mother

He’s a nutcase and you’re verging on the Stepford Wife. Between the two of you you’re going to completely screw your kids. Get real.

I had an uncle like this. Then he dropped dead aged 40 (from a heart attack while on a healthy cycle ride) and left 2 kids who had eating disorders and no money or life insurance. One has never recovered and is in long term psychiatric care after severely wounding my aunt, the other is still living at home in his 30s with multiple mental health issues. She never got herself truly back although she doesnt live on lentils and blueberries anymore thank God. She is physically disabled from her head and leg injuries but they muddle along fairly well together. I just wish she had never met him, what a waste of lives. With him it all started with vaccines in the 70s and ended up with diet, home schooling. He was an utter bore who held forth endlessly at every family gathering. None of us were much bothered by the loss to be honest.

It's completely shocking. I'm actually stunned that a parent thinks that chocolate is the enemy when the child is being forced to eat some ketovore/carnivore diet - that's not sustainable for a lot of people anyway. No fruit no veg - or at least very few portions. How is that healthy on any level? It's not

Moderation is the key - it's not about cutting out entire food groups in an attempt to have a clean diet and then forcing your pregnant partner and your 9 year old kid to follow it as well

But they can get potatoes on Christmas Day - whoopee doo. What a miserable existence for a 9 year old

He eventually came to me and said we could look into vaccinations if I wanted to yes and the baby got some, but it was on his terms after the baby was born.

Thanks for the reply. So which ones was the baby not allowed to have?

I think we need to know what the “lifestyle” is before we decide if YABU tbh

edit to add I have just seen this is a whole big hoo ha about some chocolate. YABU op it’s absolutely not worth falling out over

Right then, you've obviously decided to go vegan/plant based and are getting pissed off with your family giving out sweets and burgers?

That’s a bit rude. The OP hasn’t stated what the food is, they have described it as a lifestyle change. So if it’s the grandparents sneaking the child a few chocolate bars, I don’t think that’s a big deal. If it’s something that makes him absolutely bounce off the walls, causing behavioural problems, or something that makes him unwell, then it is a big deal.

Having read another person’s post (see, I do read 😊) it seems like this is more of a control thing from the OH, which is a whooole other kettle of fish and complexities. And in that case, isolating herself from her family is a bad idea.

Click on “see all”. OP has explained.

The child isn't having a fully balanced diet in the first place so behavioural spikes because he's had some sugar are going to occur. It doesn't mean it's such a big issue - rather it's illustrating that his base diet is off to start with

No. They are not vegan. They are following a carnivore diet so the child is getting plenty of meat. They just aren't allowed chocolate. The kid is on a diet of misery. Meat eggs dairy and the occasional healthy treat. No bread apart from occasional sourdough and allowed potatoes on Christmas day. No wonder the kid wants a bit of fucking chocolate

You would be best going to your mums for Christmas dinner with dc, can’t imagine what your oh has planned for his. What does he allow you to feed the baby, formula won’t fit his idea of a “clean” diet and protein alone is not a balanced diet for a weaning baby or child. Is hv concerned about him or are you not allowed to see them?

No. They are following a carnivore diet and the child isn't allowed chocolate

I really hope you are a troll and not really a medical professional!

The judginess and extreme language make you sound very unsuitable for a job in that profession.
Not the crap that you obviously gorge yourself on from supermarkets.
This is such a ridiculous and over the top reply. You sound like you have a very unhealthy relationship with food.

You have also totally ignored the fact that these children are living in a controlling abusive household and that their father is against vaccinating children and is feeding young children a restrictive diet as part of his controlling abuse.

Thank you so much, I’ve just done that and see that it is chocolate.

I appreciate that OP has offered alternatives for her mum/grandfather to offer the child, which does make sense to me. However, a few chocolates here are not going to cause diabetes.

Again though, this is clearly not about the chocolate.

OP you are in an abusive relationship and your OH getting you to cut ties with your family is frighteningly common feature of this. Run now before you alienate the people that you desperately need right now.

It's not rude at all to suggest posters RTFT. Because if you did read it, you'd see OP has stated that the contraband food in question is chocolate and if you read her further comments the cleaning eating involves cutting out all carbs, including fruit and veg. Which is not good for a growing child. If you RTFT you'd also see this isn't about food at all, but the fact OP is in a domestic abuse situation with a controlling partner and it's definitely not a kettle of fish laughing matter.

At least read all the OP’s posts before jumping in. Child is being fed a restricted meat/protein diet, no carbs or vegetables and fruit.
This is Not about the chocolate given by granny but the abusive control exerted by the OH on his family.

Maybe read more and guess less.

An abusive parent is inflicting the very opposite of a vegan diet on a cowed parent and 2 helpless children

I'm guessing this as a friend many years ago was sneaking happy meals to her grand daughters after her son went a bit of the rails and decided to change his lifestyle and his children's completely.

Within months, those poor children were actually looking terribly ill, underweight and ashy. He decided no traditional medicines, ie not to take them to the doctor but to treat them holistically etc.

Very dangerous.

No the opposite, lots of meat etc but minimal veg, fruit, bread, carbs.

Btw. Your child will probably be miserable enough given your family dynamic (kids aren't daft, they know when a home isn't happy). Without all of this being imposed on him as well

I grew up in a home that was abusive - controlling. It was misery until he went.
Not my mum - my stepfather. You really do need to be thinking about how you can leave - this really isn't about chocolate. You're an adult. He had no right to impose such a restrictive diet on you when you were pregnant.

Good god what a shit show. Your problems are way way bigger than chocolate. Poor kids.

"not allowed" and "unclean" are not concepts that lead to healthy eating and should never be instilled in children as though they are in any way normal attitudes to life.

The best Xmas gift you could give your children would be to leave this abusive wanker. In your shoes, I'd ring your mum and say the scales have fallen from your eyes, you now realise you're trapped in an abusive relationship with a lunatic, and ask if you can all spend Xmas with her while you ponder next steps for leaving this horrible life.