AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

This is really concerning. You've cleaned up your diet and you're imposing this on a 9 year old child. You're using the excuse that your child might develop diabetes in the future not to give him any chocolate?

How many 9 year old kids want to exist on a diet of meat eggs and dairy?

When I was a child I was a really fussy eater. I wouldn't eat many vegetables. I do now. I didn't eat loads of chocolate either. But from the sounds of this - your husband has decided to clean up his diet. So you have to as well. And this is now being imposed on a 9 year old child?

I completely understand why you are unhappy about your kid being asked to lie to you. But the response from your husband is completely disproportionate. Not going on a summer holiday. Refusing to see your parents at Christmas

It's just another way of alienating you from your family

Im not an expert in nutrition at all. But Im a PT and I've worked with people who want to lose (and gain) weight. There's no reason why your 9 year old child should be on some restrictive diet just because your husband is

There is nothing wrong with a child having an occasional piece of cake or chocolate - and all you will do if you keep him on this clean eating diet is you'll have a kid who will do exactly what's going on here as he grows up - eat the forbidden foods behind your back

A 9 year old kid shouldn't be on a restrictive diet of meat eggs and dairy with occasional sourdough. If you genuinely think there might be health issues in the future take advice from a nutritionist.

As other people have said - how are you going to police your child's eating when he goes to secondary school

BTW I'm vegan and I was vegetarian for a long time prior to that so obviously there are some foods I don't eat. But I made that choice for myself

So basically your partner is on a carnivore diet and you're expected to follow that - even when you were pregnant and so is your 9 year old child?

Your family aren't the issue here - your controlling OH is. And I think it's unfair of you to shift blame onto your mum for you not calling women's aid - you're in a miserable controlling relationship and your OH is cutting you off from your family - using this as an excuse

I'll also say this - I personally don't think this kind of diet is healthy for a child - meat eggs dairy and occasionally sourdough?

Where's the fruit? The veg? It's misery. No wonder the kid is craving sugar.

I'll say it again, because you are obviously hard of reading and comprehension.

Any medical professional who advocates for children to be raised in a domestic abuse setting where food is wilfully restricted so the DC go hungry should be struck off, frankly.

You are entirely missing the point. It’s not about the food choices. It’s the fact she has no choice and is being controlled and gaslit by her abusive partner. Please stop giving advice. You are unwittingly encouraging this woman to think her abuse is acceptable.

Get some help. This will not end well. Pack your things and leave.

He is more likely to see food waste by imposing unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of a “diet” on young children than if he compromised his “values”. Does ds have school meals? Does ds get scolded by him for not eating what is served? Poor kid will end up with disordered eating at this rate.

OP it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship with a lunatic, even from what you say about food, but from what other posters say it's much more than that

You need to stop fretting about chocolate and cutting off your family and sort yourself out.

Your 9yo should absolutely not be on what is effectively a keto diet. He needs complex carbs for energy, fibre, vitamins and minerals, etc. I imagine your mother is desperately worried about your DS (and probably you as well). This is an extreme diet by any standards, but especially for a child. Unless he is overweight, he’s probably benefiting from the chocolate your mum gives him.

Your mum may be a huge pain. But she is less dangerous than the creature you are married to. If you choose one, go with your mum. For the sake of your kids.

Again, did he let you vaccinate the baby??

I would be very angry that someone had told my child to lie to me about anything. It’s not something I want my children to learn to do and anyone who did that would be getting shit from me about it. The fact that it’s about chocolate isn’t really the point imo.

But your husband has decided to pass sentence on your mum (a year without contact). I understand he’s angry but this is controlling behaviour and very… rigid? I think it’s a bit concerning, sorry. Your grandad shouting at you about this is parenting choice you’ve made is also ridiculous. I really hope you can sort this out with your mum, mainly because if your husband is as controlling as he seems to be then you need people who love you in your corner as much as possible.

When are you going to address the real problem here insteading of deflecting on to your parents?
Your OH is being abusive to your child. A keto diet is not suitable for a 9 year old. He needs carbs. Cutting out an entire food group will not allow him to grow and develop normally. Nor will underfeeding him which is what sounds like you are allowing to happen.
Stop helping your OH to alienate you from your parents.
I have a lot of sympathy with people trapped in domestic abuse situations but I start to lose that when they allow children to be abused too.
Your OH is a controlling, abusive, bully and you need to get out now and take your chilren with you.
You say you were going to contact the refuge but didn't because of this. Wake up. Your OH is using these things to keep you trapped. Don't let him.
Please don't wait until your children suffer even more because of this man.

I don't agree at all. Her mum isn't the person at fault her. The OH. Let's not scapegoat her

You've stepped right into your OH plan to distance you from your support. DO NOT ban your mum over this, you are being controlled and you and your ds are being abused. The next step will be that you're left with no support because of what OH has created and then the walls really will come crashing down. Hes already got you where he wants you as you now have a much younger child. Deciding to do 'clean' eating doesn't mean he gets to decide for a 9 year old. You've created this situation, you need to fix it. You've allowed yourself to believe that your abuser is right, that your son's behaviour deteriorates when around your mum and grandad. Take a hard look at all this and realise the control.
I was abused by my husband until my ds was 2 years old. It ended when he broke my leg in 3 places and left me laying on the floor. Thankfully I hadn't distanced myself from my parents despite him managing it with all my friends. Don't let this be you. Contact women's aid as a matter of urgency. Your mum and grandad aren't the ones doing the manipulation here, your OH is using coercive control over food.
Now, my ds actually has Crohn's and is dairy intolerant, and is specifically intolerant to vegetable oil. It makes him very very ill, along with anything with corn in it. Do you think I could stop ex feeding him things like that , nope because he 'doesn't believe in allergies and intolerances'
Please stand up for your son and realise that this isn't about the type of chocolate your mum is choosing for ds!!!

I agree. The chocolate thing is being inflated by the OH to further his agenda.
I expect the poor grandma is trying to look out for her grandson.
I hope she calls social services and tries to get her grand kids some help.

You don't have a parent problem, you are in an abusive relationship. Your poor child.

OP buy a supply of the chocolate he is allowed, give it to your parents and tell them last chance saloon.
All grandparents do this with their grandchildren. What happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's. However they are not understanding the health risks and I totally understand your concerns.
Please sit them down, tell them clearly, explain they need to respect your wishes and if they don't explain the consequences.
Maybe have one special treat which is allowed at grandparents house. However try not to deny your son a relationship with them, that would be very sad for all involved.

OP’s partner is forcing her child to have a diet without fruit (other than berries), vegetables or carbs.

Do you honestly think that’s a safe, nutritious, appropriate diet for a nine year old child?

Any medical professional would tell you it absolutely is not.

I don't think your interpretation of her actions is right. I think what she's trying to do is give your son a bit of normality because he's growing up in an abusive household. Normally I'd say that kids should never be encouraged to keep secrets form their parents but when one is abusive and the other is enabling that abuse, then I think it is the right thing to do.
She isn't the enemy here, your controlling cunt of a husband is. Don't push the help away.

I also can't believe any medical professional worth their sort would advocate as well that a child should follow such a restrictive diet either as the OP has suggested or cut off loving relationships with grandparents either.

This 9 year old child has had a carnivore diet imposed on him. So he's eating mainly meat eggs dairy with occasional sourdough and clean treats. There's nothing about that diet that looks healthy to me. It restricts fruit and veg for a start. Children should not have to eat what they are given. We are all individuals. Forcing kids to eat things they don't like serves no purpose

At first I thought you meant he was allergic to certain foods.

But now at a guess I’d say you’ve gone vegan and the GPs have been trying to give your DS some of the first class protein they feel he could really do with as a growing child.
In which case, I’m entirely on their side. It’s one thing to go vegan as a fully grown adult, rather another as a child with a lot of growing still to do.

YIIIKES.
OP th only thing id be mad about is the “don’t tell your parents” thing. But listen, if your oh is abusing you, then @ShawnaMacallisterhas a good point here.

fyi, chocolate isn’t so bad in moderation…. But you’re the parent- your choice BUT don’t make your sons life a misery by fighting with loved ones over chocolate - over hiding and lying I get. But cutting them off, accepting presents but not seeing them is very odd. Don’t you think? Was this your idea or OH?

This, 100%. Strict parents raise sneaky children.

Children have such little control over a lot in their lives, and food can so easily become something they realise they can control. This combined with your mum/grandad telling him to lie is a recipe for a very unhealthy relationship with food.

If it’s not an allergy, let him eat it. Children need to explore different kinds of food, both to learn what they like and form a healthy relationship with food.

If it’s sugar you are avoiding, get him to brush his teeth really thoroughly about an hour afterwards (not straight after as this can damage enamel). We are a bit twitchy about caramel/chewy sweets in our house because of their effect on teeth, but our compromise is if our child does have those, they have to brush their teeth really well - which they do because we’ve taken the time to come to this agreement with them.

It’s difficult to form an opinion overall without knowing what the food is.

This is abuse. Why are you allowing it?

You'd find it easier to form one if you actually RTFT.

This sounds like a hugely unnecessary conflict. Nothing is going to happen to your DS from eating some cadbury chocolate unless he's obese or already type 2 diabetic (and eating sugar doesn't increase your chance of developing diabetes- too many calories do). You're missing out on lovely Christmas celebrations with your Mum. I do think your DH might be the controlling one here and maybe it's not a huge loss to him to not see your side of the family?!