AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

I agree. I'm appalled that someone who claims to be a medical professional has such a scant awareness of safeguarding.

Having looked at some of her other threads, it's sad that the OP seems to think her partner is someone worth listening to instead of the unintelligent abuser that he is.

This man is an idiot, easily influenced by any nonsense he comes across online. OP, don't let him separate you from your family. You're going to need them when you wake up.

You know this is terribly unhealthy for a child right? Adults can do whatever stupid diet they like, but kids need a broad range of foods and they need carbs carbs for energy to grow.
This lus all the other comments tell me your “OH” is a controlling, abusive twat and you should leave him, for your kids if not your own sake.

Given your previous posts I would suggest that the last thing you should do is allow this man to isolate you from your family.

Thats the core of it; this lad is always hungry and puts on weight fast.
Wouldn't OP consider a second opinion re their bloody ‘lifestyle change’ which is seeking to turn DS into a miniature gym bunny like his self-centred father?
His little body craves glucose, for example, yet it sounds as though he's already well on the way to an issue with insulin control despite being sequestered from any normal kind of diet.
How he must dream of crisps, biscuits, and Curly Wurlys. He’s just a kid, not a laboratory subject.

Stop blaming your mum for your abusive DP’s behaviour. Call women’s aid and get yourself and your children to safety.

Can someone share links to previous threads? Search doesn't work for me

READ THE THREAD

Your mum's behaviour is really out of order as she has now given your OH a reason to isolate you and your children from your parents. She should have obeyed your instructions so that you could continue to send your son there for respite from your abusive partner.

You need to contact some domestic abusive charities urgently.

Has the 'clean' diet been recommended by medical professionals or just by your OH? If it's the latter, you need to seek advice from qualified doctors and/or dietitians with expert knowledge of your son's condition.

OH absolutely would yes which is why he expects others too. I wouldn't no. Wasted food is not acceptable to him due to his upbringing as a child so if you don't eat it you don't get anything else is his rules. Obviously I've offered something else to eat. I don't leave him to starve. I just get abuse from OH for it.

Right im gonna say it then , this women is clearly not going to do anything about her situation, she is not going to protect her children from abuse , she will not leave her husband she is not listening , this whole post is a massive waste of time tbh

I'm sorry but it's clear that your husband is the problem not your mother or the chocolate.
He is obviously controlling and possibly dangerous.
The diet he is imposing on you all sounds very unhealthy.
The best thing you can do for your children would be to leave him. I feel extremely sorry for him.

I’d prefer a lifetime of being fat than being raised to accept controlling behaviour from a partner is perfectly normal and healthy, yes.

The only “support “ op wants to is to continue to be neglectful to her 9yo and get praise for how wonderful the clean eating is.

Yeah I’m out. She’s just ignoring all the pleas outright now. I don’t usually participate heavily in threads but this one triggered me as a previous victim. She knows fine what’s happening and would rather allow the control that’s already happening to her and the kids extend to her mum than do anything about it. I feel desperately sad for the kids but I won’t waste my energy on somebody who frankly at this stage is participating in abuse.

Are you OP's abusive partner? Because I can only assume you must be to continue banging on about dieting when the rest of us are talking about a 9-year-old and a baby being raised in a domestic abuse situation that OP desperately needs to escape from.

I just get abuse from OH for it.

This is NOT ok @Whiteoleander2

Your partner's childhood doesn't excuse his behaviour as an adult.

‘She should have obeyed your instructions so that you could continue to send your son there for respite from your abusive partner.’

Fucking hell. Is it respite from abuse if you go somewhere where your abuser isn’t but still have to abide by his abusive rules? I know life isn’t easy but my god - op still has (for now) a mum who is supporting her and her dc and she could leave this piss stain of a bloke and go and live her life. Or she can continue to try and appease him and slowly lose everyone who loves her and herself for what? A man who doesn’t give a shit about her and their dc and only cares about himself and his own comfort and self image. Give yourself a merry Xmas op and walk away.

We are vegan and had family fallout over Christmas, parties et cetera. And I have come to realise that we all just have different preferences and opinions and it’s not worth getting upset about or falling out over. So now I let my children eat what they want at parties, but I tell them What the foods are. They both chose to be vegetarian by themselves just because we make so much healthy delicious food at home that they enjoy. And then aged 10 my eldest decided to become vegan too. I used to be quite controlling about it when they were very young, but I think that letting go of the control has actually allowed them to make the decisions for themselves and then that’s their choice and they aren’t wanting to rebel or feeling left out.

The lying is unreasonable and your mum really shouldn’t be doing this and encouraging your son to lie. I don’t know why she would do this. But maybe just have a really calm conversation with her. Stay calm even if it is hard. And then you have to ask yourself the question is it best for your son to see them, or not see them, or see them only sometimes when you’re there? Something I say to my children when adult adults are behaving in a way this isn’t inappropriate is.’ this is an example of how not to be behave.’ it can all be teachable moments..

I wouldn’t do presents at the door. I think this would make everyone uncomfortable make the situation and the tension worse. Invite them in and share presents together but be clear to them that you are very upset with what has been going on seperately.

I do really get the frustration with people not respecting your preferences, but honestly it is just not worth massive fallouts in my opinion.

Your DH is abusive and your children are being abused and are very likely to develop disordered eating.

Ahh right you’re one of those…
”oh I’m the saviour to the poor damaged man who had a terrible childhood so I’m allowing him to be abusive to our children as it makes him feel better poor lamb 🥹🥹”

Honestly OP you need to be contacting womens aid and reporting him for coercive control. This type of behaviour is not normal nor is the level of control here.

Your anger towards your mum is completely misdirected get angry and get rid of the OH this is abuse take the rose tinted glasses off and protect your children.

Exactly what I said earlier, she's got no intention of leaving him, she's only looking at ways to keep her abusive prick of an OH happy...ugh

This is tone deaf. The benefits of a balanced diet are well known and this thread really isn't the place for it. The OP is trapped with an abusive husband. She recognises at least some of the level of control. She recognises he hates her family and wants them to stay away, isolating her from support. That's what this thread is about. Most people responding to this post are focussing on highlighting the enormous elephant in the room, and the risk of further isolation and escalation. A healthy diet is in no way the issue.

Same, but not myself, friend at school who had a shitty abusive childhood as her DM felt it more important that her shitty dad got his needs met than her dc were looked after.