AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Usually, yes I totally agree with grandparents have yo follow your rules. But, this rule is actually damaging your child. His dad deciding to eat clean is his choice, he cannot force you - a grown adult - to comply. And it's unfair to suddenly stop him having something that he loves after all these years. Healthy eating is extremely important, but by banning chocolate etc you are making him obsessed with it.
Your husband is controlling and you sound scared of him.

Yep, absolute nonsense. I do try and show compassion, however with posters like op who are happily exposing their children to abuse? You said @Whiteoleander2 something about “if you’re hungry you’ll eat what you’re given..” so how many time now have you and oh denied the 9yo food now?
why not try serving you and oh something you both dislike and neither of you get to eat anything else until that’s all gone? Would you agree?

I'd love to hear the other side of this story.

I'd also like to know how controlling your OH is, because he sounds monstrous. I don't think the problem is your family members, I think it's your OH and I'm wondering how controlled you are that you (apparently) don't see that.

No it's actually not allowed. Well butter is...It's mostly carnivore/ketovoire so anything meat, eggs, cheese, yogurt, berries, other dairy then organic natural chocolate. Occasional sourdough treats as they've been fermented. Potatoes would be fine for Christmas dinner but other than that eating them regular it would be no and bread other than sourdough absolutely not he's very strict about that due to the wheat.

Don't blame this on your mum. The person lying to you is your DP – he's lying that he gives a shit about yours and your DC's health when the clean eating is just another stick to beat you all with. He's also lying that he loves you – a person who genuinely loved their family wouldn't abuse them.

It's good you recognise you're in a cycle of abuse though - what steps are you taking to get out of it?

This sums it up for Me ^

@Whiteoleander2 does know she’s being controlled and that her child basically being abused it seems, but it’s more important to keep oh happy of course.

I don’t agree with pp who say mum should “play the game”. Why the hell should she? To keep daughter on side? No! Daughter can see fine exactly what’s happening and is choosing to stay, and even reinforcing her partners behaviour. If I was mum I’d be raising concerns with the relevant agencies myself.

The more you write OP the more concerned I am. I don’t agree that GP’s should undermine parents but the level of control your OH is exerting here is not okay.

He cannot suddenly decide to do something and expect you all to bow down and follow - I suspect there are other ‘control issues’ going on too, as his attitude and view on food is dangerous. His ‘if my child is hungry he will eat’ is nonsense and will/ can cause your children to have issues with food.

He also needs to read up in diabetes- type one is genetically linked and you will get it whether you eat chocolate or not, we have (its not common) babies and toddlers with diabetes within our teams. Type 2 is lifestyle dependent. So if he is genetically linked it won’t depend on what ridiculous diet you put him on.

This is for me an OH issue, linked to excessive control. In a few years your DS will be eating whatever he likes - how will that work out for your OH then?? Will he like his control being challenged??

Bottom line is you need to safeguard you and your DC from his behaviour- and wake up to what is happening in your home to your lovely children.

I hope you leave that controlling prick and take your children somewhere where they can be free.

Your DS isn't allowed bread, potatoes or any other carbohydrate like pasta, fruit and vegetables? He's a growing child! I really, really hope he confides in a teacher at school – my DP is a primary school teacher and deprivation of food on this scale would be escalated as a safeguarding issue.

Even accounting for the fact that you are being abused yourself, surely as a mother you can see this is bad for your children?

Are your children following this diet too? No vegetables, fruit or carbohydrates for growing children. Children shouldn't be following such restrictive diets, it's borderline abusive and neglectful.

If that's what they are eating then I'd say chocolate is the LEAST of your worries.

I was about to call them when this happened and now I feel I have less support due to my mum acting this way and not being able to trust her as she also tried to use my son against me

Your dh is just using this as another means to control and isolate you.

If his diabetic status is genetic it doesn’t matter what he eats he will get it.

Stop letting this man control and abuse you and your children

I agree. You're allowing your husband and his coercive control to damage you and your children.

She let your son eat chocolate for god sake. She didn’t give him a Gun.

she lied to give your child some normal things. She didn’t drive him round without a seatbelt or feed him something his allergic too.

That's not her fault. Your husband has caused this.

The whole notion of "clean" and "unclean" food is rather toxic, unless it's based in serious allergies or health problems. It's certainly not something that should dominate children's lives, especially at Christmas.

Your poor boys. This is so sad.

When are you going to put them first OP and get them out of this situation?

Your in laws are very wrong encouraging a child to lie to the parents however well intended. For me there is also a major red flag with your DH though imposing harsh dietary demands on the rest of his family ( including you when you were pregnant). That's not ok in my book and it now looks like you are being alienated from your family off the back of it. Yes your mum is in the wrong but so is your DH. You need to address that too.

This👆 Your OH doesn't have the right to dictate everything in your house. Your mother is trying to push back against him. You need to push back as well or if you feel unsafe in doing so then you need to get out because it's not a healthy relationship.

Sorry but you are using this as an excuse to do nothing. I’m actually feeling very sorry for your mother in all this

Stop making excuses. Your OH is trying to separate you from your family and this ridiculous restrictive food stuff is just a tactic! And you’re letting him win! You and your mum can work through what she’s done after you’ve left him and the dust has settled. You might see it differently when you aren’t in a toxic environment. Phone them now. Leave today. Your son’s Christmas is about to be ruined. You can stop this now.

No she didn't, she tried to give your son some normality within his life of abuse and control. Open your eyes.

This is all distraction from the main issue OP. I remember your other threads and you are not in a safe situation. This man is a dangerous abuser who has been regularly calling you a cunt and treating you disgustingly, in front of your children, since (at least) you were pregnant with your youngest.

Your mum should not be encouraging your child to lie to his parents, ever, I agree with that.

But the backdrop to this situation is one where she’s watching her child (you) and grandchild living in an abusive home with a controlling, dangerous man attempting to isolate you both.

You need professional support to end the relationship as safely as possible.

Your children are being harmed by this man. They don’t have a choice about living under the same roof as an abusive relationship, but you do.