AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Your parents should follow your wishes about not giving your son chocolate. If you gave them some of the 'clean' alternatives that you use, would they give him those instead or would they still try and give him the chocolate that affects him badly?

You should also get rid of your abusive OH. I think that should be your first priority. He sounds utterly horrific.

OP your mum and grandad are not disrespecting your wishes, they’re simply sticking 2 fingers up to your husbands controlling behaviour, you have more support from them than you realise. Have you watched the film Sleeping with the Enemy? I would suggest you do. Then run for your life.

It's not your mum who's the problem here, can you really not see that?

Whilst I agree that grandparents shouldn’t be going behind your back at all nor encouraging a child to lie, restricting food in this way could lead to bigger issues.
My sd food was restricted, no meat, no sweet stuff, given s as pack of sweets or crisps and it was always taken off her when she’d eaten half. She developed an eating disorder and she binged in secret on anything she could behind their backs because she was never allowed to just eat normally without guilt.

FFS, stop blaming your mum and take some accountability for your actions. Your DP is abusing your children – do something about it.

You are either being wilfully naive or you are damaged by your OH. You are absolutely finding everything you can to justify unreasonable behaviour. Your son will be damaged for life. That is your call - you can still change the situation but you are throwing out - i cant trust my mum as my 9 year old is acting like a 9 year old.
You know the answer. You choose to want justification for absolute insanity around choices of your living and bringing up children.

This hits the nail on the head. So sad you’re unable to see it. I’ve been focussing on the potential food issues in this but the damage is going to run a whole lot deeper than that if you stay with this man. You need to open your eyes OP

It really isn't reasonable for you to expect your mum to go along with a restrictive regime that is part of an abusive relationship. That would be hard for any parent.
Try and give her a bit of grace. It's so hard to see your child in a situation like this.

@Whiteoleander2 I cannot stress this enough: your “OH” is abusing you. For anyone in doubt please read this other post made by OP
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5456815-aibu-about-baby-activity-table?postsby=Whiteoleander2
He is controlling you and your DS. He is deliberately isolating you from your family. His verbal abuse in your other post is disgusting. He controls what you’re allowed to buy, removing items from the home, calling you names, blaming you for minor accidents (which all children have!). You’re not allowed a Christmas tree. Your DS isn’t allowed chocolate. If you disobey then the consequences are shutting you off from your family, calling you names. He is a vile bully and I suspect your family can see this. You’re scared of upsetting him. A play table is a perfectly normal thing to buy for a baby. So the baby fell and hit his head. It happens to all babies. Your OH’s reaction is inconceivable and I think you know this deep down. This is NOT A GOOD MAN! He sounds like one of the worst partners I’ve read about on here.
Please please go to your family for help in leaving him.

Also his 9. I’m sorry but bar illegal or allergy he should’ve allowed to eat anything in moderation. I’d say the say if you were vegan and he wanted a ham and cheese rolls.

If the lad wants a bar of chocolate at nanny’s once a week and there is no genuine medical reason why he cannot then he should be allowed one bloody chocolate bar.

You are just too far under your partners control to see you are building up an eating disorder for your child future. Bingeing and hiding foods to be “good”

I think you should keep your son away from them OP. They cannot go behind your back like this and then encourage him to lie to you.
I am a medical professional and have the same problems. Eating this type of food wrecks my concentration, makes me hugely fat and sends my hormones all over the place. I was pre diabetic at one point.
I recently lost 5 stone on mounjaro, have completely changed what I eat and my life has been transformed although I've now got to fork out loads of money on saggy skin removal.
My problems started in childhood, I spent long stretches of time with relatives who would feed me a lot of this type of food then be put on stringent diets by my mother.
It wasnt kind. I was constantly gaining and losing weight.
These days I have to stick to a very stringent diet and Im teetotal.
Your relatives have a choice, they can either obey your wishes or not see your DS. Its up to them.
They are being very stupid playing around with his health like this.

Youve been given some excellent advice on this thread OP, and most of it hasn’t been about chocolate. Your DH is clearly an absolute tool whom you need to leave asap.

Is the risk of your mum giving you son some chocolate less than the risk of him turning into his dad? Cos that’s what gonna happen, he will behave how he has been taught, which is that controlling women by any means is normal…

I can’t explain it, but this gives off big anti-vax vibes 🤣
Apologies if not, but there’s just something about “clean eating” that’s a bit of a gateway to “clean living” which is a hate way to anti-medicine

Have you read the thread? Are you seriously suggesting a woman in a coercively controlled relationship should cut her child off from his family?

This is terrible and you are crazy for going along with it and letting it be imposed on your children

Have you actually read the thread?

Sorry no. The OP is in a controlling extremely abusive relationship. He is isolating her from her family who can likely see what he is. Please do not encourage her to cut off her only support.

So medical professionals now advocate for children to be raised in a domestic abuse setting where they are deprived of nutrients? Wow.

He’s clearly done a number on you, gaslighting you that somehow this is your or your dm fault for not following his rules. It will never be his problem. Soon he will turn on ds1, if not already. What else does he dictate - baby immunisations, when you go out(were you the poster walking dog late at night to fit around his hobby and being told what baby activities to go to?), what products to buy, finances?

I’m afraid I’m with your granddad - “clean foods” don’t exist. Every child I know of orthorexic food controlling parents is absolutely obsessed with the foods they’re not allowed and will hyper focus on them when they’re in the room. It just leads to a future of disordered eating

Yes, I'd be angry.
In similar situation with 8 year old son not being able to have chocolate due to negative impact on behaviour. He's also not able to cope with sugar and a handful of other ingredients. Fortunately friends/family accept the need for him to avoid these foods and he's on board too.
Understanding about different qualities of food is part of growing up and making healthy choices, particularly when there are health implications is responsible parenting. It's a shame other posters are trying to suggest that ensuring your children eat healthy and be aware of the impact of different foods on them will cause eating disorders. Feeding your child food that is not good for them/causing them behaviour issues is abusive.

Incredibly unhealthy for a growing child who needs carbs. No wonder he feels hungry. An entire food group cut out, not just the treats (whipped cocoa is not a treat 🙃) your son’s physical and mental health is being damaged here. Please act fast and let your mum help. DH has done a good number on turning you against her and let your poor son have some chocolate and pasta ffs

Also sourdough contains wheat. You meant yeast?

My grandparents feeding me crap throughout my childhood was what caused my binge eating disorders and gross obesity. NOT the normal diet my mother gave me. Some of the responses on here are seriously weird. Surely we all know the lifelong damage highly processed diets caused but sadly nearly everyone chooses to ignore that and look at the result. Grossly fat people everywhere and an explosion of diabetes.

Your husband/partner is a cunt.

Fine for him to “eat clean” but he can’t push all this on you and the kids. Thats abuse. You’re all being abused by him.

I’m sorry that your relationship with your mum has become so strained. But it’s because she recognises your partner’s choices are ridiculous and controlling, and you’re ultimately siding with him instead of sticking up for your kids. What a horrible situation.

I hope you find the courage to seek support and in time you can leave this awful man.