Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

In your shoes I'd honestly be less embarrassed about her being an OF model than I would about what she has done to your house.

She has a degree in Business Management

You need to look into this, as it sounds wildly unlikely that anyone is going to rely on an immature 26 year old for advice on any project. Check out whether her business has a name, is it registered, how does she advertise, does she have a bookkeeper/accountant, is she paying NI and tax, does the business exist at all?

Oh OP 😬😩

And rent? Does she pay for anything?

Fucking hell. At 26 I owned my own home and was completely responsible for myself. Parties were well managed and everything and everyone was completely respected. I can’t imagine a 26 year being this utterly immature.

OP. I think you’ve indulged and excused her childish behaviour for way way too long. Of course she drinks and may likely do drugs. Open your eyes.

Does she pay you for use of your wifi, electricity etc for her business?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

You’re having us on, I think.

She does contribute a small amount towards bills and groceries, but nowhere near a proper rent (and that's a mutual agreement between me and DW)

Agree OP. You need to see evidence she's actually working at all.

You work out the cost of replacing and repairing and she pays every last penny.

You then reevaluate how you deal with your precious angel

Can you claim on your insurance for this damage?

Wow at 26 this is terrible, she needs to pay for all the damage

To be honest OP, you have probably enabled her behaviour in the past and are now reaping what you have sown.

Unfortunately it's not going to be an overnight fix, but your daughter can start showing you respect, being an adult, and taking responsibility.

If you gave her the chance to get away with it before, of course she will do it again. It sounds like age is irrelevant, and she's been given free rein to act like this too many times before. Your daughter's behaviour is a consequence of the past, so now it's time to get some anger to make it right.

I think you need to give her a list of all she is required to do and then step back to ensure she does it. Quote for worktop is just the start. New carpet, replace dining chair, fix or replace hot tub and so on. You could give her a guide on what to expect to pay for it all. I am thinking it could be £3k worth of damage. My teenagers have had parties and not one bit of damage was done. The only thing I had to do was run the hoover round and switch the dishwasher on. They had fun, their friends had fun, but no drama. This is not just youth it is utter disrespect.

@MyFairGreenTurtlewhat does your dd consult in? All sounds very odd and like she is bullshitting you.

she needs to grow up and do a proper job. Pay her own way.

andyou say she does not drink but clearly she was blotto.

something is off.

she and her friends are very immature if there were only 20 of them and they trashed the place. Report them to the police for criminal damage or at least send each of them a bill for all the damage and forward it to their parents (if you know who they are).

I don’t know where you live or your circumstances but they all sound like entitled brats with trust funds .

turn off the £££. Kick her out. Unless you think she might be a drug addict. In which case she needs rehab.

£3k? That could be the hot tub all on its own. Or the TV, if it's big enough. Or the carpet. All up, I think it's going to end up being at least £15K. Which she should pay ever last cent of.

I checked this afternoon and some of the damage might be claimable, but things like the carpet burns and sofa stains won't be covered because we haven't got a soft furnishings extension. Also, it looks like most of it will fall to us given the circumstances. They'll say we gave rise to the losses

How about the hot tub and the carpet and the other damage? Sorry OP, but you’re being a wet lettuce. She behaves like this ultimately because you allow it. If she’s going to act like a child, you must treat her like a child and, if she’s doesn’t like it, tell her to move out.

I think you’re a bit too gullible

What do the neighbours think about that, or is it bluetooth?

The 1 per cent saying you are unreasonable must be your DD

This is totally insane. The entire setup reads like you have a teenager which means this has been going on for a decade? Fair enough I understand it takes longer nowadays to get your own place, but she should be paying rent and bills and it’s actually ludicrous that she can destroy your home without sorting it out. This would be ridiculous from anyone but she’s definitely ad adult as she’ll ever be!

I would decide if you’re kicking her out or restructuring the entire situation

(I was a guest at a similar house party once. Crashed by dozens or more, endless damage. My friend spent years paying his parents off for off the damage. We were 17. And we actually called the police on ourselves as we were scared of how out of control it was)

she'll 'help get a quote' wow! she has to pay for ALL the damage and at 26, id expect much better behaviour, she is acting like she is 16

Business Management degree and consulting for international clients? Pfft. Nope.