Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Does she pay you rent? Just out of interest really as she seems like she has absolutely no responsibilities and is completely feckless.
Id be telling her in no uncertain terms that she needs to pay for all the damage, whether that is by getting her friends to contribute or whatever but the whole debt is with her to resolve. Once her debt is paid she needs to make an effort to move out, if she doesn’t repay the debt then the move out date will be brought forwards. She blatantly has no respect for you or she would be on her knees scrubbing and have already offered repayment

26!!!!! What a joke. She's a joke! Needs to get an absolute grip of herself. I'd have got over it if it was a teenager who had been stupid and made a mistake but she's a fully grown adult. The lack of respect towards you and your home is disgusting and if that's her attitude I would tell her she needs to move out and live in the real world! As well as paying for all your repairs. There are no excuses for her behaviour and how irresponsible and childish she is. She seems very entitled and is living a life with no accountability and they definitely are not her real friends!

Are her friends the same age?

I'm struggling to imagine being able to find 20 people aged 23+ who would behave like this.

Drugs were 100% involved. There is no way a bunch of adults, some of whom must have children, would act like this after alcohol alone.

26 is far too old for DD or her friends to trash anyone's home. This is the selfish, rude, and unrestrained behavior of a teenager, and even then it's not appropriate. I'd be tempted to report all of her friends who caused this damage to the police.

Her friends disrespect your home in general from what you say about the glasses, treating it like a hotel. Her peer group is not helping her, and I would absolutely expect her to pay for the damages they caused and never, ever allow her to have anyone over again, whether you are home or not.

Honestly, I'd possibly kick her out given her age. You are not helping her by letting her continue to live like a child in your home at the age of 26. Her behavior is truly inexcusable at any age but especially at that age.

Is anyone else thinking the consulting job is OF?

I’m 26 years old and I can’t even fathom that somebody my age would act in this way. Absolutely vile, I hope she’s made to pay every single penny.

How can you term a fully grown adult being expected to clean up after themselves and pay for damage they and their friends have caused as a ‘short, sharp shock?’

I was actually thinking this whole scenario seemed unlikely, but if people have the view that it would be a ‘shock’ for a 26 year old woman to be expected to behave like a normal human being, then maybe I’m wrong.

She’s a spoiled bitch and you enable her.

Wow, I would be wild to have that happen, esp from a bunch of adults!
We had a party for my sons 18th birthday year old last year, about 30 late teen/early 20's kids here, and the only 'damage' was one boy puking on the lawn. There is no excuse for trashing someone's house.

I would tell the daughter that if she want's to have friend's over she needs to get her own place to invite them to.

Her friends and guests treat the house the way she treats it.

26?!?! I remember hearing about parties like this when I was 15, and was always relieved when I didn't go as the damage was insane and I know I would have felt immense guilt having any involvement (even just attending).

If I pulled that shit at 26 I would have been having my bags packed tbh.

The first time one of mine brought a friend home who was drunk, the friend puked on the carpet with some bright coloured substance. It cost a bit to get it out and my DD was devastated by something of hers she thought was ruined. I managed to save it for her and helped her clean it up because she was distraught, but I did make her be the main cleaner. I also talked to her about respect for our home and respect for herself, and not allowing her friends to treat her the way this friend had treated her by not apologising and leaving her with the mess to clean up. I also banned her from bringing back drunk friends to stay the night. It never happened again.

Oh no, absolutely not!!! She does actual freelance consultancy work, nothing like that! It's very flexible, and I think she also works for a lot of international clients hence why she sometimes logs on during the night. It's just very flexible and ad hoc, and not a conventional 9-5!!!

She needs to be made to pay for all of this and you need to be firm and make sure she does. It's probably time to ask her tp move out- she's behaving ridiculously for a 26 year old and has a lack of respect. You probably also need to address how you have enabled her behaviour and put a stop to that as well. I appreciate it's easy with hindsight to look back and realise that you should have never allowed this but she needs to be made to face the consequences

My 16 year old had a party recently. I had to pick up a plate from the living room floor and hoover up when I got home, that's all. They'd even put all of the food leftovers etc away.

What is her attitude about it now? How much has she helped clear up? What have you said to her about financing it all?

She needs to move out and let her friends trash her own house in future.

That's completely unacceptable. She's 26 FFS, not a teenager.

You need to kick her out. Someone this disrespectful and irresponsible needs a hard lesson.

You are actually doing her a diservice by being this tolerant.

I’m afraid this a very Gen Z way of saying effectively unemployed. If she was doing well, she would have moved out years ago. Not saying she should be able to buy a house, but if “consulting” is so sustainable, she’d at least be able to afford a crappy house share suitable for wild parties like most of us did in our 20s

she did cry and looked genuinely sorry when she was apologising to me. She hoovered around and said she'll help get a quote for the worktop

Hmm

That seems unlikely

What qualifications does she have?

Does she pay rent? Pay her own way at all?

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry OP, that is just awful and must feel like such a disrespectful betrayal. From 16 my parents would leave me at home for 6 weeks every summer to cat sit while they went away and I would never have DREAMED of doing any close to this. I was up at 5am every day anyway off to my summer job. The worst I did was leave a window open and the carpet got a bit wet.
Perhaps because she’s been a bit wild for a while you’ve become used to it but I’m afraid a) don’t believe for a moment that she’s not drinking and also possibly doing drugs (certainly her friends are) and b) not only MUST she pay for the damage, but she must also organise it too. I’d be on the fence about allowing her to remain in your home tbh. A hard dose of the responsibilities of adulthood sounds well overdue.

Have you seen evidence of any income from this 'job'? Does she have any actual qualifications?

Didn't you read the original post? That's the whole crux of the matter. She was left alone by her parents, and asked if she could have a party while they were away.