Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

You've created this situation from your poor parenting and allowing her behavior to continue this way, are you really surprised?
Hopefully this will be a turning point for both of you to grow up

If she's a self-employed consultant she might well be doing very nicely, financially.

This is crazy, I don’t think that’s acceptable and I’d like to think most young people are more responsible. My DDs had a party recently - 21 and 23. When we came back the next morning, everyone had just gone to bed, but everything was tidied up, bottles in recycling, lots of neatly tied up bin bags and no damage. You deserve the same. Hope your DD gets the house at least vaguely liveable for you soon.

She is a fully grown adult and needs to pay for and organise replacing all of the damaged items asap.

Flexible consultant in what line of work?

Have you been cleaning and clearing up today or has she been doing this?
She needs to pay for a professional clean and work out what can be repaired and she needs to be the one organising the repairs.
It should go without saying that she doesn't have friends over again.
Is she sorry?

I know this will probably offend, but someone needs to say it. She’s 26. You have been allowing her to mistreat your house for years, and sustained damage from her drunken brawls in the past. I think this is your fault for failing to establish commonsense boundaries for behaviour, and it should not have come as a surprise or shock to discover that once again, she and her friends have trashed your house. Your real problem as I see it is how to move forwards. Ideally, she moves out and then this kind of thing becomes her problem, not yours. Failing that, you ought to do the parenting job you should have done years ago, and teach her to treat your home with respect. In fact, I suspect you’ll end up paying for the damage and doing much of the clearing up yourself, and this will go on happening.

At 26 she’s hardly likely to be a high flying, font of knowledge consultant on a specific area. Especially since she acts like a teenager and surrounds herself with immature yobbish friends. To be that successful at that age you need to be extremely diligent and professional and hard working, not a spoilt brat that regularly trashes her parent’s home and rolls her eyes like it’s nothing

I mean, nowadays doing “very nicely” is still pretty far away from being able to afford a house. But anyway, i guess that’s all irrelevant as she’s been a total twat to her parents regardless and that defo needs addressing

I would relieve her of any savings she has to pay for the damage. Leave her with enough for a flat deposit and show her the door. If she doesn't have enough money to pay for the damage set up a payment plan and tell her to leave anyway. Calculate the cost of the damage and tell her how many hours you had to work to pay for the things her drunk friends broke. This isn't acceptable at any age but she should have grown out of the reckless, disrespectful and irresponsible behaviour by 26.

She said she's really sorry? I'd have been shitting myself and probably left the country in fear if I'd done that to my parents house.

Are you seriously asking if it’s okay that your adult daughter has trashed your house? I know you’re used to it by the sounds of things, but come on.

At 26 I was married and running my own home, lots of women are mothers at that age.
It's disgraceful behaviour and you have enabled her, she sounds spoilt and entitled! I had too much respect for my parents (and we were poor) to even consider doing anything like that to their home, I respected their rules my entire teenage/early 20s life.
Make her and the friend who invited everyone clear up and pay for all damages.

Get an accurate list of all the damage and bill her. She needs to grow up.

It's quite hard to pin down her roles and responsibilities. It seems to involve advising on projects on an ad hoc basis but there's no set role or ongoing responsibilities

Or I think it's more likely she has been feeding the OP a lot of bullshit, and the "consultant" job doesn't exist. The OP hasn't responded about if she pays rent or bills, but I'm predicting from the answers so far, it's a big fat no.

She is 26 and has zero respect for you or your home. Time for Tough Love.

Kindly, you have contributed to this by being too soft on her in the past. After the lawn incident, there could have been robust discussions. You chose not to have these. Why?

In terms of next steps, I would do the following:

Take photos of all the damage and mess.

Use the photos to create a list of what needs to be cleaned, repaired or replaced. Everything.

Print off the list and sit her down. Present her with the list.

Tell her she has 24 hours to go through the list and work out how she will move forward with the cleaning, repairs and replacements. Make it very clear that all of it is her responsibility.

Give her 24 hours to work on her plan. Then she has to come back to you with her proposal.

She then gets shit sorted.

Once everything has been sorted, review her living in your home.

If she refuses to accept responsibility, tell her she needs to move out by X date. Mean it and stick to it.

Sounds like she has a long history of treating your home (and you by default) like shit and you've let it slide continually. So of course she trashed your house again and she's unlikely to think it's her problem to solve.

You need to make her see otherwise now and tell her how much it's going to cost to fix the damage she and her friends have caused and set up a payment plan.

She could have called the police if the party got out of hand; she didn't. She didn't give a shit. Wake up. Your daughter is an asshole.

And no set or ongoing income either? Come on OP, she needs to get her act together. At her age I was married and raising three kids.

This is disgraceful from her and at her age too. I have a 15 year old daughter and she tells me some tales from house parties she goes to but nothing to this extent. I would be appalled ant the disrespect she’s shown to your home and she needs to pay for the damage.

Well, you’d be a mug then. You appear to have been enabling her all the way through. No consequences for anything, so why would she change? You post to ask for a handhold - forget that and just stand over her as she starts cleaning up. Actions have consequences, put them in place. This should have happened in her teens. Why on earth do you accept such behaviour from an adult. Time to grow up, but given the history you’re disclosing I’m not sure that anything is going to change.

Because they have a telly in their garden.

“This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends”

This is where you’ve gone wrong. You should have insisted she (and friends) cleaned up the mess and then she would have learned, instead you’ve effectively taught her there are no consequences to making a mess.

She's her own boss? Lol

Ok, well bossgirl can pay for the damage and then move out.

Just read your updates @MyFairGreenTurtle

Your daughter is bullshitting you.

So is your daughter going to be paying for the damage to your home, and has she made any effort to clean up?

If she was mine she would be out on her ear there and then. Bag packed and off you pop, No ifs or buts…

obviously it would all need paid for as well.