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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 13/12/2025 22:13

I had a party bit like that when I was 15- at twenty bloody six it's ridiculous and would turf her out after she has cleaned up and arranged for repairs/replacement of all the damage. At 26 I had my own house and would never left it be trashed like that- I'm truly shocked how someone of that age could show such disrespect to the family home.100% go to a hotel until it is professionally cleaned- I kept my parents room totally out of bounds and put all their nice things like crystal glasses in there.

ILoveLeopard245 · 13/12/2025 22:13

The damage is one thing but the lack of accountability and effort to immediately put things right is also a huge concern. I would absolutely be ensuring she pays for every bit of damage and she would be getting notice to move out. All you have described is unacceptable and her lack of care or respect for you shines through. She is an adult. 26?! Wow. She needs to grow up.

Winterwonderwhy · 13/12/2025 22:13

You’re still making excuses for her. ‘Only’ 20 people. It takes one or two to wreck the place. She’s 26 a big grown woman.

hididdlyho · 13/12/2025 22:13

I had to reread that she's 26 a few times. At that age an 'oops sorry' doesn't cut it. She needs to be cleaning up the sick and coming up with a plan to fix the damage. If it was the friend who gave out your address, then that's on them to sort out between them and doesn't excuse DD from needing to fix the mess. I'd also make 2026 the year she moves into her own place!

Original poster
MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

RosesAndHellebores · 13/12/2025 22:09

Drugs.
What's her behaviour and friendship group usually like?

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

OP posts:
CallMeDaphne · 13/12/2025 22:14

Why do you have a telly in your garden?

Frenzi · 13/12/2025 22:14

Thats the sort of thing I would expect a teenager to do.

Of course she pays for it. Why are you even questioning it!

She is 26. She is an adult. Make her be an adult and pay for and organise everything that needs replacing.

Dont let her off paying for it all - you are simply reiterating that what she did was okay.

Fends · 13/12/2025 22:15

So she was stone cold sober while her mates vommed everywhere and couldn’t even be arsed to use a bottle opener? Has endless energy for partying, sober, at 26? Yeah right. You’re a mug OP, she’s doing drugs.

ResusciAnnie · 13/12/2025 22:15

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

Show quote history

Jesus, don’t clean up after her.

Fends · 13/12/2025 22:15

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

Show quote history

Drugs

Original poster
MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:16

CallMeDaphne · 13/12/2025 22:14

Why do you have a telly in your garden?

we like to do Movies Under The Stars

OP posts:
CandyCaneKisses · 13/12/2025 22:16

House parties are never a good idea no matter how ‘chill’ they are. My daughter had one last summer and I said never again as people get out of hand. They damaged so much of my brand new house and this was with me being at home to keep it to a reasonable level.

At 26 they know better and can pay for everything to be replaced.

usedtobeaylis · 13/12/2025 22:16

YANBU and she must pay every single penny of damages. That's what you might expect from a teenager but even then I would have lost my shit at that age if my friends were actively damaging my parents house.

Murfmeister · 13/12/2025 22:16

Why are you being so passive about this?

I understand you must be devastated at the state of your home, but for goodness sake woman, find some bloody rage!!!

DecisionTime123 · 13/12/2025 22:17

So that's the conversation you've had today? About a bit of cleaning? This is going to take weeks to put right - so have you and DH or partner etc sat down with her today and said unfortunately this is beyond disrespectful and we are not sure how to move on from it? Or you just cleaned up what you could and left her to her own devices? I'm not one calling for her to be thrown out in the new year thats your own child, but she needs to come up with a plan for repair and reparation. Otherwise no wonder stuff like this has happened before and will likely again!

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 13/12/2025 22:17

Sounds like it got wildly out of control and she did nothing about it. I would be asking her to collect damages from her friends and find a new place to live.

hididdlyho · 13/12/2025 22:17

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

Show quote history

Oh dear, the poor love. At 26 plenty of people are tired because they're working several jobs to pay the rent and bills and even raise children. That's not a dig at you, I think it's awesome when parents help their kids by letting them stay at home, but it sounds like your daughter is taking your generosity for granted.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 13/12/2025 22:18

Hankunamatata · 13/12/2025 22:06

As said op. She has shown utter contempt for your home

Add up all damage. Dd gets a loan and pays for it

Edited
Show quote history

This.
She pays for the damage in full, immediately, and if that means she has to get a loan and/or max out her credit card, so be it. Then she packs her bags!

wandawaves · 13/12/2025 22:18

Of course she needs to pay.
It'll cost her thousands, but tough, she needs to pay.

StepAwayFromMyCrutches · 13/12/2025 22:18

She pays up. And time for her to move out.

Sassylovesbooks · 13/12/2025 22:19

OP, I'd be on the ceiling with rage. Your daughter is 26, not 15 and absolutely she should know better. The damage caused is going to cost thousands. You are definitely not unreasonable to expect her to pay for the damage. I hope your daughter is working, because she's going to be needing the money. The hot tub, TV, patio door, ruined carpet, ruined sofa cushions, ruined bedding, worktop, bathroom door handle, broken chair and sick stained/smelling carpets - will need repairing if she's lucky, replacing if she's not and cleaning. Definitely no more friends over, unless you are there. She clearly can't be trusted, which at 26, is a bloody poor show. Unfortunately, as sorry as she maybe, that's not going to cut it really. The carpets will need a proper clean, so hire a carpet cleaner, which she pays for and cleans herself or she pays for a professional company to come in. That's a task that can't be left. You need to organise some quotes and then tell her how much she needs to pay for each item - don't let her off by paying half, she pays for it all. Perhaps once she realises the cost involved, it will make her think twice about having a party again!

Queenchewchew · 13/12/2025 22:19

That goes beyond immaturity and is just total and complete disregard for anyone else.

I’m the same age as your daughter op and I can’t imagine anyone my age behaving like that. She should pay for the damage she’s caused.

readingisallowed · 13/12/2025 22:19

Id ask her to pay for everything to be put right.

A number of years ago my older brother had a house party 3 months after we had moved in.
Mum and dad had plans to update the living room.
They came back from holiday and everything was tidy.
Fast forward 4 months and it was time to start decorating the living room.
Mum said to dad 'i thought the lampshades were plastic'
It turned out that one of brothers friends had broken the lamp so everyone put money in to replace
6 glass shades. But only one was broken.

Vartden · 13/12/2025 22:21

I"m truly shocked that a person of 26 would behave like that and have friends who joined her to cause such damage. What kind of people are they so be so disrespectful. I have adult children who would never have behaved in such a manner. Its disgusting. She should pay for all the damage and I'd give her notice to be out and in her home by January. She can trash that to her hearts content.

Lotsofsnacks · 13/12/2025 22:21

Murfmeister · 13/12/2025 22:16

Why are you being so passive about this?

I understand you must be devastated at the state of your home, but for goodness sake woman, find some bloody rage!!!

This! I would be absolutely fuming!! She’s a grown adult not 16!! Why did u say yes, after you have said you always have to clean up after when her friends come over?!