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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
GingerBeverage · 14/12/2025 13:15

I can’t actually get worked up about this but I do feel sorry for the neighbours. If you raise a child without boundaries and continue to spoon feed them well into adulthood it’s a reap what you sow situation.

Balloonhearts · 14/12/2025 13:15

Come down hard, stop being such a wet blanket! Tell her to go out, right now, buy a new TV the same as the one they broke, order a new hot tub, exactly the same spec as the broken one, hand her measurements for the rooms with destroyed carpet and tell her to get a quote for recarpeting and tell her that if she comes back without having done any of these things, she needs to find somewhere else to stay from tomorrow onwards.

Like hell would I put up with my things being destroyed and no responsibility taken. She needs to grow the fuck up and respect your home or go live with one of her mates, see if that shit flies in their house.

T1Dmama · 14/12/2025 13:19

In fact I’m her shoes I’d be giving you my whole monthly wage and not going out at all until it was paid off! She needs to think about priorities!

Wayk · 14/12/2025 13:19

lucyloo25 · 13/12/2025 22:59

she'll 'help get a quote' wow! she has to pay for ALL the damage and at 26, id expect much better behaviour, she is acting like she is 16

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💯. She should do all the leg work, pay for all the damage and send you to a hotel to relax.

T1Dmama · 14/12/2025 13:27

Your daughter is a spoiled and entitled brat… she’s cried and you’ve softened already!
I can’t believe she didn’t make any attempt to tidy up.. show absolutely no respect… as for her ‘friends’ being in your bedroom.. total lack of respect!
As well as paying for everything her ‘friends’ (ALL OF THEM) would be banned from my house for life… they show disrespect time and time again.. it’s time to them all they’re no longer welcome in your home.l

godmum56 · 14/12/2025 13:31

At 26 I was married working in the NHS and managing my own home. Time to kick her out out out

Blarghism · 14/12/2025 13:32

Get her to book you a hotel room for the night, tell her it all needs to be cleaned up by the time you get home and you want her to have started researching the replacement/repair costs. By the end of the week you want a clear plan as to how she is going to get it all done and that plan needs to be in motion.

godmum56 · 14/12/2025 13:34

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:24

Because I want her to have a good social life. And tbh I've realised that I have been viewing her as having youthful stupidity (which is my bad).

This has reminded me of an incident when she was 21. She had the same group of friends round one summer evening and despite being asked to stay off the lawn because it had just been re-seeded, they dragged garden furniture across it, spilled loads of vodka on it and did a "slip and slide" for fun. The lawn was completely churned up and we had to re-seed the whole thing. At the time she apologised, offered to help re-seed it but in reality it was left for us to deal with.

Now I'm realising how stupid I've been just enabling her

Show quote history

Now I'm realising how stupid I've been just enabling her

no shit Sherlock?

godmum56 · 14/12/2025 13:34

Blarghism · 14/12/2025 13:32

Get her to book you a hotel room for the night, tell her it all needs to be cleaned up by the time you get home and you want her to have started researching the replacement/repair costs. By the end of the week you want a clear plan as to how she is going to get it all done and that plan needs to be in motion.

get it done AND pay for it

ZiggyZowie · 14/12/2025 13:36

Your daughter should pay for a deep clean cleaner as well as replace damaged items.

J3001 · 14/12/2025 13:37

My sons are 25 and 20 and never behaved like this

RustyShackIeford · 14/12/2025 13:43

Woman who allows grown daughter to sail through life like a toddler upset when daughter behaves life toddler.

100% yes, she needs to pay for all of that damage to be corrected (and she needs to be the one doing all the work to get it done), but you’ve allowed a ridiculous situation to fester. She needs to see what life is really like because playing hostess at mummy and daddy’s house isn’t it.

Wetcoatsandmudagain · 14/12/2025 13:47

I would total up the cost of the damage and set up a payment plan and make sure she pays up on the specified times. Make her take full responsibility. In the meantime I would expect her to clean up. If it was getting so badly out of hand why did she not call someone for help to get them out the house?

Enigma54 · 14/12/2025 13:48

YANBU at all. She pays for ALL damages and replacement items. Then you serve her notice and she’s to move out within
( your) timeframe.

Irresponsible madam!

OliveLurker · 14/12/2025 13:53

This is disgraceful behaviour for a 16 ur old, let alone a 26 yr old! I’d be asking her to move out. At any age I would also be expecting her to pay for damages, even if at a small amount each month.

CandiedPrincess · 14/12/2025 13:56

26? I was married with children. She needs to grow up. I'd make her pay for all damages and I'd tell her it was time for her to find somewhere else to live.

user568795 · 14/12/2025 14:00

T1Dmama · 14/12/2025 13:14

NO @MyFairGreenTurtle - most of the cost will not fall to ‘us’… it will fall to your DD!! Every single penny that isn’t claimable plus your excess should be covered by your DD and her alone!
It’s also about time you treated her like a 26 year old!… she needs to pay it all back and then start paying the going rate for rent… even if you secretly put this money away and give it to her later towards a deposit on her own place… charge her rent now so she has less money for socialising, booze etc… you’re not doing her any favours enabling this behaviour!
I can guarantee you if she behaved this way in her friends parents houses and caused this damage the parents would be calling the police and reporting criminal damage! Allowing a few friends for a ‘chill’ evening is not the same as allowing an all night boozy party! Also thank god no one drowned in the hot tub or got electrocuted in there or by the TV!! You could be facing a lawsuit !!
Your DD has behaved appallingly and sorry but a few tears and getting you a qoute is not enough… in her shoes I’d be setting up a payment plan to replace/repair everything not coming up with excuses about how it was her friends fault for inviting extras! You’ve put up with her piss poor excuses of ‘we were too drunk/too tired etc for too long and this is your wake up call! She pays or she gets out!!

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The number of exclamation points in this post are almost as bad as the (possibly nonexistent) party.

Take a breath.

lessglittermoremud · 14/12/2025 14:00

Sorry but it’s time she flew the nest, I used to have house parties at 17/18 with permission when my parents went away and we didn’t trash the house….
At 26 it’s time to grow up and stand on her own two feet.

FrankieSpencer · 14/12/2025 14:04

BessieBoob · 14/12/2025 12:24

She’s a druggie. As are her ‘mates’. At best, her online activities involve OF or MLM. At worst, she’s the one dealing the drugs. She needs to pay for and sort out the damage then move out and grow up.

yep, guaranteed.

SparklyBrickViper · 14/12/2025 14:07

Dear daughter,

“Here’s a list of everything you need to get done before I get back at x o’clock tomorrow. I’ll have the bill for the damages your response for by the end of the week. In the new year I’ll help you look for accommodation where you can have as many parties as you like.’

Book yourself into a hotel so you aren’t at home to do the cleaning.

Stick to it.

PoppyWarrior · 14/12/2025 14:08

She needs to be chucked out AND pay for all the damages.

Entitled spoilt little brat and sorry OP you are just enabling her.

I'd be devastated. My 16 year old had a party years ago. Me and a friend were upstairs so not sure how they managed to damaged what they did. My DD was beside herself with apologies.

She got her friends to come round the next day and they all completely cleaned the mess up and she paid for a damaged lamp.

At 26 I'd be disappointed in my parenting skills if I had a daughter that did this!

I'm raging for you!

krustykittens · 14/12/2025 14:10

Her friends sound like scumbags with no respect for your home or for her. She needs to grow the fuck up and move out, get a taste of the real world. I wonder if she would find herself some new friends if it was her home being trashed? The lawn incident shows they take great delight in going against your requests and causing damage.

Binglebong · 14/12/2025 14:21

I would be looking very carefully for what has been stolen. Because I can pretty much guarantee something was.

AliTheMinx · 14/12/2025 14:26

I am so sorry, OP. This would be my worst nightmare. You must be so sad, angry and disappointed. Your DD has behaved disgracefully. I am not sure I could ever forgive her for showing such a blatant lack of respect. She could have called you or the police as soon as things started to get out of control. She must sort out the damage, pay for repairs and win back your trust. She has let you down in so many ways.

Supperlite · 14/12/2025 14:29

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:24

Because I want her to have a good social life. And tbh I've realised that I have been viewing her as having youthful stupidity (which is my bad).

This has reminded me of an incident when she was 21. She had the same group of friends round one summer evening and despite being asked to stay off the lawn because it had just been re-seeded, they dragged garden furniture across it, spilled loads of vodka on it and did a "slip and slide" for fun. The lawn was completely churned up and we had to re-seed the whole thing. At the time she apologised, offered to help re-seed it but in reality it was left for us to deal with.

Now I'm realising how stupid I've been just enabling her

Show quote history

This is outrageous. Even at 21 I would never have dreamed of treating my parents with such disrespect. They would have torn a strip off me if I had, and rightly so.

26 is not young. You are doing her no favours by allowing her to think she can disrespect family, or anyone else for that matter. She has been an adult for almost a decade! I would be coming down on her hard, and setting some new boundaries. Firstly, paying proper rent (to pay off all the damage and then as a life lesson that everything is not handed to you in a silver platter…), secondly, absolutely no friends over. If she wants to “have a good social life” she can jolly well do it somewhere else until she has proven she can be trusted to manage herself and her friends’ manners properly.