Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

@bonquiqui

because she is OP’s CHILD!!

Adult child, who trashed her house while her parents were away for 1 night.

Are you the daughter? 😂

You’re hysterical. Stressed by her consultancy job and needing to let her hair down. Really?

If OP’s DD is a ‘consultant’ at 26, I’m a Pulitzer prize winning novelist.

You up her rent to cover the costs...

I'm assuming that this humour...

If the future grandchildren turn out to be as bad as their mother, I wouldn't want them over my threshold. At best it would be: "I'll meet up with you in the park, darling."

Nice one.

You forgot to berate the OP for failing to stock up the booze cupboard for the party.

Stop blaming her friends for treating your home like a bloody hotel… SHE’S the one doing that. You are infantalising a 26 year old supposedly professional woman and enabling this trash. Have some self-respect and teach her about consequences. She didn’t cry because she felt guilty, but because she knows it works to maintain your image of her as a poor little innocent girl, when she is actually fully aware of everything that has been going on.

She’s a druggie. As are her ‘mates’. At best, her online activities involve OF or MLM. At worst, she’s the one dealing the drugs. She needs to pay for and sort out the damage then move out and grow up.

Ooh, you are naughty, @Cherrytree86 😄

So sorry this has happened, I would also be shaking with fury. It would be slightly more understandable if she was a teenager. A 26 year old knows better. The level of disrespect is horrific.

Since she works full time in what sounds like a decent job, she must pay for all of the damage out of her own pocket. Don’t let her get away with this, it’s utterly despicable.

Which is exactly why OP needs to lay down the law. The "child" is, at the very least, using large quantities of party drugs. Given that they don't appear to be working, hang about with layabouts and "party" regularly, it would not surprise me if they were using regularly.

I have young adults living at home. They're allowed to have people around whenever they want. The worst we have ever had is when they were 21 and brought home their respective boyfriends after a night out, one of whom decided he was a budding rockstar and proceeded to play the electric guitar until 4 am, when I lost my temper and told them the next person who picked up an instrument would be beaten severely with it.

They all apologised profusely when they sobered up, and the two lads mowed the lawns and tidied up the garden. My two cooked me brunch and ordered me a Starbucks. One of the lads is still with my child. He still apologises every time he sees me. The guitarist, it turns out, was on coke and could not be reasoned with. They're no longer friends with him because he is "a coked-up dickhead", apparently.

Even as teenagers, they've tidied up after (and during) parties and managed not to damage anything.

My oldest is 23 now, her parties are usually a few mates sat around the fire pit with a couple of bottles of wine. The BBQ is sometimes involved. I am usually invited to come and sit with them.

This is horrendous. Tbh op I think I'd be telling her it's time to move out - give her 4-6 weeks to find somewhere and then she has to be gone.

She should also pay you back for the damage you can't claim for. Get it fixed and set up a repayment plan. If that means money is tight for her while paying rent for the first time then so be it. She needs a sharp shock and to learn responsibility.

If this had happened anywhere else, like a hotel or rental property, she'd be paying for it. Why is this any different? Implement an installments repayment plan if she can't afford it outright. Time to grow up and start living in the real world.

Do not embarrass yourself by phoning the police. The also have better things to do!

They were your dd's guests in your house, and the damage was probably accidental due to drink and messing around which your dd was complicit in. Her pathetic minimising of her part and lack of action while it was happening won't wash with them.

Some hard parenting is what is needed not the police.

@MyFairGreenTurtle Of course YANBU to ban her from ever having friends at your home again and making her pay for the damage. This won't stop her having a social life - she will just have to meet up with her friends elsewhere. And paying for the damage she allowed to happen will ensure she understands that her actions have consequences (which, I fear, is a principle that you have failed to instil in her, but better late than never).
So, get quotes and compile a list of the costs of replacing all the damaged items (carpets, cushions, worktop, patio door, hot-tub, TV, etc) and present it to her. You already know it's going to be £000's so you may have to pay for replacing some of the items yourself immediately as, I'm guessing, she doesn't have a lot (or any) savings, but you insist she sets up a standing order to you for a set amount each month and even if it takes her years to repay you, you ensure she does. Channel your anger to get this all sorted and teach her a long overdue lesson.

Just thinking - if OP’s DD IS a consultant, she should have no issue obtaining a bank loan to cover the cost of the repairs and new carpet. And maybe a deposit for a new rental.

I’m not convinced she’ll have the paperwork to pull this off, though…

Sorry @MyFairGreenTurtle but not only should she be paying for everything to be fixed (she can claim it back off the friends herself ishe knows who did what! - that’s her Robles!)…
but if I ever went away again she would be kicked out and h ding her keys in… she would have to either stay elsewhere as cannot he trusted or I’d have one of your friends or parents stay over to ‘babysit’ your 26 year old DD who has proven she cannot be trusted!

That’s her problem even

I agree - this is the harsh truth.

Oh, you're a wag aren't you? Very witty Wilde! 😂

It’s ok because she has a DEGREE!

In business management. Probably from the University of The Wrong End of a Sink Town.

I hope you aren’t going to give her her Christmas presents, which no doubt are everything she asked for.

If this had happened anywhere else she might well have been arrested.

I think they should kick her out permanently tbh and make her repay them for the damage. Time she stood on her own two feet and learned some responsibility.

NO @MyFairGreenTurtle - most of the cost will not fall to ‘us’… it will fall to your DD!! Every single penny that isn’t claimable plus your excess should be covered by your DD and her alone!
It’s also about time you treated her like a 26 year old!… she needs to pay it all back and then start paying the going rate for rent… even if you secretly put this money away and give it to her later towards a deposit on her own place… charge her rent now so she has less money for socialising, booze etc… you’re not doing her any favours enabling this behaviour!
I can guarantee you if she behaved this way in her friends parents houses and caused this damage the parents would be calling the police and reporting criminal damage! Allowing a few friends for a ‘chill’ evening is not the same as allowing an all night boozy party! Also thank god no one drowned in the hot tub or got electrocuted in there or by the TV!! You could be facing a lawsuit !!
Your DD has behaved appallingly and sorry but a few tears and getting you a qoute is not enough… in her shoes I’d be setting up a payment plan to replace/repair everything not coming up with excuses about how it was her friends fault for inviting extras! You’ve put up with her piss poor excuses of ‘we were too drunk/too tired etc for too long and this is your wake up call! She pays or she gets out!!