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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 14/12/2025 10:54

Dollyparton3 · 14/12/2025 10:16

If she’s paying tinpot rent and earning consultancy fees OP she’ll have plenty of disposable income to pay the damages. Simple!

Edited

You're thinking of peppercorn rent.

Tinpot dictators and peppercorn rents.

Greyrock2828 · 14/12/2025 10:54

Time to move out. She's old enough to know better. It's what an 18 year old might do, but at that age she needs to get a grip, get better friends, move out, and grow up.

Eviebeans · 14/12/2025 10:59

Have you asked her to move out?

justasking111 · 14/12/2025 11:08

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:57

I checked this afternoon and some of the damage might be claimable, but things like the carpet burns and sofa stains won't be covered because we haven't got a soft furnishings extension. Also, it looks like most of it will fall to us given the circumstances. They'll say we gave rise to the losses

Show quote history

The carpet can be invisibly mended by professionals. The sofa cushions and carpets can be professionally cleaned.

Suggest daughter researches these people, plus hot tub repair folk. After all she's good on the phone so let her get on with it.

She pays for the lot.

Wintersgirl · 14/12/2025 11:09

You've created and enabled her all her life, this is the fallout of spoiling your kids folks...

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 14/12/2025 11:10

Ledwood85 · 14/12/2025 01:44

It's a good one though, hitting all the right notes to get the audience frothing:

  • Damage to home
  • Spoiled daughter way too immature for her age
  • "Movies under the stars" was an inspired subtle touch, I thought
  • The constant enablement and minimizing of past behaviour/invisible to own poor parenting
  • Selective responses to certain asks for detail
  • The initial vagueness of what the daughter actually does, apart from "girlboss" designed to make us jump to MLM or OF
  • Followed-up by some cock-and-bull about having a generic degree yet being some consulting guru to the Fortune 500 at 26.

It's worked a charm though with several posters claiming rage on behalf of the OP, with one even saying they're re-taken up smoking on the back of this thread.

A late - and very strong - contender for "Wind-up of the Year", IMO.

Show quote history

Yes and I don’t understand why posters are still responding by repeating the same response time after. First few posts, fair enough but once you get to all of the OP’s updates - especially her use of !!! When talking of her DD’s ‘job’, it’s as if the OP is goading to be called out.

lucyloo25 · 14/12/2025 11:10

Eviebeans · 14/12/2025 10:59

Have you asked her to move out?

its not that simple, anyone with older adult kids knows that, however, if this was my adult child, I would be expecting all the costs to be paid and i would never allow this again

AbbaCadaBra · 14/12/2025 11:11

Catpiece · 14/12/2025 10:43

I had a house party for my 17th. Place was trashed. At 25? No.

Bad at 17 too.

lucyloo25 · 14/12/2025 11:11

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 14/12/2025 11:10

Yes and I don’t understand why posters are still responding by repeating the same response time after. First few posts, fair enough but once you get to all of the OP’s updates - especially her use of !!! When talking of her DD’s ‘job’, it’s as if the OP is goading to be called out.

Show quote history

ah so this is a wind up post? good one

Catpiece · 14/12/2025 11:12

AbbaCadaBra · 14/12/2025 11:11

Bad at 17 too.

Show quote history

Tee hee. Honestly my mum was furious 🤭

Makemineacosmo · 14/12/2025 11:14

YANBU at all and she should be paying for every bit of damage if it takes her 10 years. She should also be sorting out all the repairs/replacements.

AluckyEllie · 14/12/2025 11:17

I would say you need to get far more angry with her. She’s not even trying to help tidy up, she doesn’t see it as a big deal.

Tell her to get out of the house and go stay with friends for a few days because you are so annoyed. Put her rent up by a couple hundred pounds until the damage is paid for. Are you funding her in other ways/doing laundry or cooking for her? Stop it. She’s 26 years old- if she was in a rental and treated it like that she’d be evicted. Why have you not noticed you’ve got such an entitled adult living in your house. She’s 26!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/12/2025 11:19

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:57

I checked this afternoon and some of the damage might be claimable, but things like the carpet burns and sofa stains won't be covered because we haven't got a soft furnishings extension. Also, it looks like most of it will fall to us given the circumstances. They'll say we gave rise to the losses

Show quote history

This is what happens when you don’t parent your child when they are children. They grow up to be entitled, thoughtless, insensitive adults. Time to learn her lesson. Do not tidy up for her. Do set a payment plan for her to pay for the damage. Lessons to be learnt now.

skyeisthelimit · 14/12/2025 11:22

OP. She needs to repay you every penny, and be banned from having friends over.

If living at home on a cheap rent is helping her to save a deposit, then great. If she has no savings and is blowing it all on partying, then charge her a much larger amount to live at home.

You are enabling her behaviour over and over. She does not respect you if she can let your house be treated like that. Her friends circle are not good people if they can behave like that at that age.

I lived at home until I was 28 - large farmhouse, had my own space, and was saving for a deposit. Not once did I trash my parents house. It was their house, their property.

PinkyFlamingo · 14/12/2025 11:24

I get the feeling you will do all the cleaning up and she will walk all over you again as you let her!

CactusSammy · 14/12/2025 11:27

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:52

She works yes, but she has endless energy for partying and takes very little responsibility for herself

Show quote history

Its time she took some responsibility then.

She needs to clean the best up, pay for the repairs, and then look for somewhere else to live.

If this was my daughter, at age 26, I definately wouldn't continue to allow her to live in my house after the disrespect she has shown.

Sickoffamilydrama · 14/12/2025 11:29

I'm afraid you need to enforce boundaries quickly.

Even my 16 & 18 wouldn't behave in this way in fact the 16 year old had a go at a friend who bought alcohol to her party as I said no alcohol to them as some of the group are 14/15.

My 18 year old has helped her friends parent clean up after someone at a party was sick.

Being charitable It maybe that you DD needs to learn to be more assertive and hold her boundaries which can be hard when you are younger.

It does sound like you struggle to assertive yourself so maybe she hasn't learnt how to from you?

Slurple · 14/12/2025 11:41

Get your daughter to go round and document the damage. Written descriptions, photos, cost estimates etc. then you sit down with your wife and do the same. Then ask your daughter to submit her documents, and compare them against your own. It may seem like unnecessary repetition, but the point here is to get her acting as the project manager for her own damages, not relying on you tell her what the problems are. Decide with your wife which costs you personally will overlook/absorb, which are covered by insurance and which will remain your daughter's responsibility to pay for.

Then, I would raise her rent, even if just by a small amount. She has proven herself a liability as a tenant, and I think that should be reflected in an increased monthly amount. It's up to you whether you use that to pay for damages, but the purpose of it is to essentially draw a boundary line that communicates that she is privileged to live in your home, not an automatic right (which, in mistreating your home so badly, she has failed to appreciate). Then on top of that I would request a monthly amount to go towards the cost of paying for the damages. She can pay more if she wants to work off the debt quicker, but there should be a monthly minimum that you receive towards damages. And obviously, you will need to set some new ground rules about having friends over if/when you allow that to happen again - I wouldn't ever expect to be tidying up after her again, on any occasion.

The exact amounts here will depend on your own comfort levels, her income, damage costs etc. but the point is that you're setting up a structure that holds her accountable for herself and teaches her to take responsibility and live in your home as a respectful adult.

Cherrytree86 · 14/12/2025 11:44

Aw, I think you’re being a bit harsh on her, OP!

She is probably stressed what with being a consultant and needs to let off some steam. It’s her home
as well as yours, so why not?? Maybe suggest she chucks in a tenner and you sort out the rest? You’re the parent after all.

You don’t want her to go no contact after-all, and stop you seeing any future grandchildren do you?
@MyFairGreenTurtle

chunkyBoo · 14/12/2025 11:44

Ok so she pays for it and cleans up what she can herself - never let her have anyone over again, she needs to learn self control and how to control others under her own roof

Frogs88 · 14/12/2025 11:47

At bare minimum she should be paying for all damages and cleaning.

Most 26 year olds do not act like that and respect theirs and other people’s homes. Maybe it’s time she moves out and learns to act like an adult. I guarantee she wouldn’t of allowed this to happen if it was in her own house that she paid for.

Condensationon · 14/12/2025 11:47

I’m just amazed you’ve swallowed her crap about being a high flying business consultant. Is she an only child? Are you particularly naive?

meganorks · 14/12/2025 11:57

Obviously well within your rights to make her pay for all the damage. But personally I'd be prioritising her moving out! Tell her she needs to go in the new year and that's that. Absolutely no way I would trust her in my home after that.

bonquiqui · 14/12/2025 12:01

Cherrytree86 · 14/12/2025 11:44

Aw, I think you’re being a bit harsh on her, OP!

She is probably stressed what with being a consultant and needs to let off some steam. It’s her home
as well as yours, so why not?? Maybe suggest she chucks in a tenner and you sort out the rest? You’re the parent after all.

You don’t want her to go no contact after-all, and stop you seeing any future grandchildren do you?
@MyFairGreenTurtle

She’s not far off 30. She clearly isn’t a consultant of any great note and she’s also not contributing to the home by paying board… so in what way is she entitled to treat it like her own personal Fyre Fest? Chuck a tenner in? This sounds like it could be £10,000 worth of damage!

Toooldforthisshit49 · 14/12/2025 12:01

Your DD works full time and pays a small amount towards housekeeping. You need to have a conversation with her on how she yes she is going to pay for all the damage, she is old enough to know better but has little or no respect for you or your home. I would never have treated my parents so disrespectfully. Maybe it's time she stands on her own 2 feet and either gets a house share or a rental. Maybe you should show her the comments on this thread,Good luck x