Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Why does she pay such a small amount towards the bills? If she has this business consultancy job she should be paying a lot more. In any case, she can pay most of her disposable income towards the damage until it's sorted. If my 25 year old lived at home I would expect him to pay around £400 per month towards the house.

You’re being an absolute mug. The grown up 26 yr old can organise quotes and get workmen round in HER own flipping time. Stop enabling her stupidity and make her take responsibility. You’ve trained her up to be helpless and let parents deal. She’s not a child. Stop it!

I assume the invite was on a Snapchat group - that seems to be how teen parties are organised these days. Get him to send a list of rules. My teen son went to a party last week where rules had been sent out eg no vapes in the house, no vomiting, any damage will need to be paid for etc and anyone who breaks the rules will be sent home. Seemed to keep things under control and one kid was indeed sent home!

Bloody hell! I just turned 27 in September and there’s no way I would dream of behaving like this anywhere let alone in my parents’ house! I’m so sorry OP, absolutely get her to pay for the damage and clean up where possible. If she’s going to be staying at home I wouldn’t let her have people over.

I note you're very quick to show your pride in her. She's taken the piss because you've allowed it.

She needs to transfer her savings to you to pay for the damage and she starts to pay a proper rent. You need to teach her how to adult because it's been a piss poor job so far.

If you don't, then you'll reap what you sow with her.

What is her board costs? 🤔

I’d be asking dd to move out if she did this 🤷‍♀️ as well as pay for all the damage.

It’s completely disrespectful.

You are enabling her to behave like this.

Room and board - old fashioned saying but obvious what it means!

Ok this is really mad. We are from an affluent area but about 8km from is a spot full of millionaires and billionaires.

I had the misfortune of working with someone from this area in my early 20s 'claudia'. I suspect her dad pulled strings to get her the job. I was incredibly driven and conscientious. It was a very competitive environment.

This idiot never billed anything, nothing! She was constantly speaking about a business she was setting up (twenty years later pretty sure it never happened) and that was why she resigned. I went to work overseas. Her siblings was traveling the world as a young adult living 'a bohemian life' as Claudia described. It turned out their dad was funding this entirely as this sister was not destined for corporate life but he hoped she would discover something else.

Most fascinating to me of all was when Claudia would describe her friendship group. None of them worked 'jobs' apart from her and she was the recipient of many jibes and jokes. They all had companies that made no money it seemed or worked part time as consultants. They all lived at home in their basically castles, took copious amounts of cocaine and the local pubs often opened in the mornings for them simply to run lock-ins. They were all really nice people apparently but wouldn't speak to me as I'm beneath them.

These stories of houses being trashed did take place.

I found this tiny gilded corner utterly despicable. My own upbringing was admittedly privileged but we were taught to work hard and push ourselves.

Sorry OP but you have not done your job as a parent. You are to blame here. Your daughter does not understand responsibility or accountability. She cannot function as an adult.

You need to change all that now.

I hope you did go to the hotel last night but if not, i would leave the house for several hours but let her know there will be a meeting at 7pm and she is to be there. In the meantime she is to source quotes for fixing everything.

Then sit down and do up a full invoice for damages and put a project plan in place for delivery dates starting with the most important. She needs to pay for the lot and she needs to oversee the lot too. Put terms of completion for each section eg. This will be completed when the TV is fully working again or replaced. Every Sunday there will be a project review where things stay red, turn orange (progress since the week before) or green (completed). This will take months and maybe seems unfair for there to be so much more work for you but you need to do this for her. Do no fall into that trap of "it'll be easier to do it myself".

Explain to her that she is either moving out or paying rent; less than market rent but not some nominal amount towards expenses.

She will need to curtail her lifestyle dramatically and really should be looking for support from her friends.

This is the behaviour of a teenager. You all need to step up now.

This whole situation is a result of her having no boundaries, consequences and being enabled. I would be devastated too OP but by letting her get away with "hoovering" and "helping to source a quote" you're doing her no favours.

If she works and pays little rent, she should have more than enough money to cover the damage. It's about her feeling the consequences of her actions. Don't be a mug.

That would never be happening again. DD wouldn’t be allowed friends round and if she wasn’t happy with that, she could move out.

In a nutshell. Age is 26. Emotional maturity is 14.

Bloody hell. Cost up the damages and show her the amount.
Also, tell her to move out and she can have all the parties she wants….
At 26 she is more than old enough to be responsible for her actions.
you have kept her a baby and she is acting like one. She knows she can can shed a tear and say sorry and then skip off to do whatever she wants with no real consequences

She has a party she didn't do or expect this damage ?

I agree, it reads exactly like the house parties I went to when I was 16.

I still lived at home at 26 but there's no way in a million years I'd have treated my parents house like this and furthermore if I had, my parents certainly wouldn't have bailed me out. Why aren't you making your daughter take responsibility OP?

Her friends or the people who turned up were also very immature.

Of course she pays for all the damage. No question

OP, the perception is that your daughter is taking you for a fool.
She doesn't have a serious job - which is putting it mildly.
IF she wants to continue living at your house, she needs to pay a proper rent..... both for her personal accommodation AND for the fact that she is (seemingly) using it as business premises.
I would be requesting a copy of her last accounts and, if she says she doesn't have any, then I'd be reminding her that HMRC will be onto her for non-compliance.
Obviously, she needs to pay for all the damage.
And regardless of all the above, I would be giving her 3 months notice to move out and get her own place.

Well, of course she pays for every single repair - it sounds like it'll be in the thousands.
Sometimes the only way you can get through to people this dumb is to hit them where it really hurts - their bank account.

And then, in all seriousness, she starts looking for her own place to live. 26 is too old to still be living with mummy and daddy and paying a nominal rent, all the while having a full time job.

Chuck her out, give her a timetable, tell her she has to find a place to crash with one of her many friends OR she pays the full amount of damage from her salary, one of the other.

She's a spoilt brat.

If she’s paying tinpot rent and earning consultancy fees OP she’ll have plenty of disposable income to pay the damages. Simple!

A few posters have said that @MyFairGreenTurtle should have charged her DD more for rent.
I know loads of parents who charge their adult DC minimal rent so that they can save for a deposit - this is normal.
What's not normal is the selfish and entitled behaviour of the DD. She absolutely needs to pay for all the damage and move out if she wants her friends coming over.

If I was OP I would definitely be banning her DD's friends coming over - she has consistently shown you that she is not capable of acting like a grown up

If I'd pulled this stunt when I was 21, my parents would have probably re-seeded the garden too but only after they'd buried me under it....

What lesson did your daughter learn after this? Why do you keep infantalising and enabling her? She's 26 with a job and an income and this whole mess is her responsibility. She shouldn't be "helping" with anything. She should be organising and paying for all and any repairs.

Apart from the initial clean up. I would ask yourself why your daughter is so emotionally immature.
I would start with some honesty or wanting some about the nature of her work and her earnings. Is there any substance to her 'consultancy' ?

If she is in gainful employment why is she living with you? At 26? What are her plans for the future? I would ask her to leave. She has ruined your (what sounds like) beautiful home. I can’t believe that she didn’t clear up some of the disgusting mess before you could see it.

She sounds really awful. I think I would need to see receipts from this “consultancy”. If someone is online all day and night you have no idea what she is doing. And most adults who invite friends to a party via group chat would not have people on there who would behave this way. Something is off with her - drugs, or alcohol misuse.