Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Of course she will be paying.

Of course that is the reasonable solution.
She is an adult.

Are you in the habit of babying and infantilising her? The fact you're even considering yourself unreasonable for treating her as an adult (she doesn't have the excuse of being 15) suggests that you might be.

She should not only pay for the damage, she should be doing the work of finding replacements and people to do the work.

Well, in that case she will have plenty of money to fix all the damage, pay for replacements and for a deposit to move out!

She needs to pay for all the damage, and hopefully start looking for her own place.

Its ridiculous that a 26 year old couldn’t keep control - I’d be furious.

Your daughter has behaved like a teenager might. She needs to pay for all the damage and move out in the New Year. Sorry, but you have enabled her and this needs to stop, which it will when she leaves. And do not help her any more financially. Hard love is the only way.

Vile, disrespectful pigs.

We've allowed ds1 a couple of house parties and one of them got out of hand with about 50 people turning up instead of 15 🙈 We definitely had 'clean up' to do, with a few poorly-cleaned up spills. But no damage other than one smashed tumbler, for which an extremely pissed and apologetic 18 year old tried forcing a £20 note on dh to cover it 😂

In your shoes, I would itemise every single bit of damage and make sure dd paid for it. Every single bit. Then after that, she'd have a months grace and then i'd be telling her what her rental costs would be in future.

I'd call the police

I think you're going to have to embrace a concept called parenting, OP.

Bloody hell OP. When I was 26 I had two school- age children and a mortgage. She's not an adolescent anymore. You need to seriously up your expectations of her.

Sorry she's let you down so badly. But she needs to experience grown-up consequences to learn grown-up responsibility.

I'm really shocked that she and her friends have treated your home like this. I would insist on her getting a loan to pay for everything (if she doesn't have the cash) and once she'd paid up I'd tell her it was time she moved out. If you pay for this and put up with it then you'll be seen as even bigger mugs by her and her friends.

That is a shocking amount of damage. Are you sure the TV in the garden and hot tub damage wasn't done by an opportunistic neighbour? I would be getting DD to pay for the repairs.

@MyFairGreenTurtle awful behaviour but sounds as though you knew she couldn't really be trusted given her lack of responsibility generally. Sorry OP, there's an element of enabling here. She clearly has little respect for you or your home. She needs to take responsibility for the damage and if it were my daughter she'd be on notice to leave.

I can’t get over her age. 26. Presumably the friends in a similar age range. Other than the odd red wine spill and knocked over wine glass I haven’t been to a party where there was actual damage of this magnitude since I was 16.

as per pp, it’s not just the damage she needs to cover, not just the physical work (dredging leaves out of hot tub), it’s the leg work of calling for quotes and meeting tradespeople to do all the repairs : carpet, kitchen bench, hot tub panel. Right from start to finish. She needs to treat this as a consulting job and manage the whole end to end process.

Well the answer is obvious. Get quotes, get the work done, make it clear at every stage that she will be paying 100% of the cost. Stop letting her friends come round, stop being treated as a skivvy, stop enabling her. If she doesn't start giving you some money towards the repairs now give her a month's notice to leave.
Oh, and start charging her a more realistic rent FFS.
Do you have the backbone?

This really is appalling. She's 26 for goodness sake, not 14. I'd be pretty pissed off if a 17 year old did it but at this age there is absolutely no excuse. What kind of adult posts a party on social media to invite loads of randoms?
Does she always show such poor judgement?
Of course she should be paying for the damage. Since she clearly has no respect for you or your home, I'd be charging her a decent rent from now on and suggesting she starts looking for somewhere of her own to live.

Not gonna lie you passive attitude is quite enraging a good clue as to why she still acts like a teenager. Where the hell is your anger?! What's to stop her doing this again? Nothing! I'd honestly kick her out and take a good look at how my 'parenting' has led to the creation of such an entitled person... Am guessing you are rich and she is fairly spoilt, time for some big changes.

Op I would feel devastated as well and that's proper damage there.

On the other hand I bet randoms turned up and behaved in a stupid way.

When I was younger it was the thing for someone to have a house party and some idiots would get to work on dismantling radiators etc .

I would ask to solve some problems herself like the wine stains just say however she does it you went it stain free same with the carpet ..can solve that and ask for her to start paying toward the hot tub.

@Bananafofana how funny I had not read the thread but you've phrased what I mean but better

Then your delightful daughter will pay out of her earnings

Jobs a goodun

HTH

She’ll ’help get quotes’?! No, she’ll secure all quotes then arrange, and pay, for the work to be done. I hope she’s spent all day yesterday cleaning and securing all broken doors etc. I would then tell her that in the new year you’re expecting her to move out, if she can’t respect your house then she doesn’t deserve to live there.

Shes 26 not 16 OP! She’s a fully grown adult.

No, don't treat her like a child! A child wouldn't be expected to pay for it.

In fact, start treating her like an adult. Expect better.

No thanks, not even when I was in my teens or 20s.

This is what happens when you let your kids walk all over you. She's shown you countless times already that she has no respect for your property or belongings.

Hopefully a few parents may have learned this from your thread, OP, even though it's way too late to help you. You know full well that you're going to be the one dealing with this and all the costs incurred.

She'd be out on her arse today if I lived in your house.

What the hell?
At 26 I had two kids, was doing up a house and studying for my masters. My parties involved grown-ups chatting and drinking, maybe with music and food, easily cleared up.

Sone are saying this was like a teenagers party… my DD at 17 had big parties here, but after the mess was cleared up there was no damage.

Get her to pay for, arrange and fix everything; then force her to grow up and stand on her own two feet.

This! @MyFairGreenTurtle NOW is the time to stop enabling your daughter and teach her what beibg an adult is about; make her take accountavility for EVERYTHING that has been broken and pay for it. Also she needs to clean up. Her friends should no longer be allowed in your home. You need to stop treating her like a baby or she will remain the entitled brat she now is.

Was it the “thing” at 26?