Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Think insurance carves out intentional damage by invited guests. It does when we house swap anyway.

What upsets me is damage there has been some effort to do. At dds it was obviously accidental but actually breaking inanimate objects is next level particularly in over 18s.

You are being unreasonable for even asking if you are being unreasonable!

At 26 I had two children, a mortgage and a part time job, because I grew up, them sort of parties were expected when I was 16-21. Why does she live with u? Is she a spoilt madam? My guess is yes!

She needs to pay for ALL the damage and never allowed mates founds for drinks let alone a party. If she doesn't like it, tell her to grow the fuck up and move out, don't be an enabler.

Having read through your updates, by the sounds of it you've facilitated your daughter's behaviour over the years not to mention her friends'. I don't know anyone in my friendship circle would tolerate it from their children.

A serious conversation about respect for you and your home is long overdue and a bit more help not just " hoovering" and "helping to get a quote". It's definitely time she found her own home.

You have a TV in the garden?

I'm not sure why you're allowing her to get away with this level of behaviour, OP. She's demonstrated absolutely no respect for your home or belongings and doesn't actually appear to be sorry (or she would have taken some sort of action, like cleaning up).

I would go to a nice hotel for the night, tell your daughter to clean absolutely everything in the house and garden while you're gone; and tell her she is to pay every penny for replacing absolutely every single item that was damaged, and you want to see the deposits she's paid suppliers for replacements within 1 month. If she refuses to pay or the place isn't sparkling when you get back, she's to pack her bags and go stay with her friends until she finds her own place to rent.

You're showing your inexperience with opening beer bottles 🤣

You put the edge of the crimped cap on the edge of the work surface and thump the top while pulling the bottle down and out at the bottom.

Cap comes off, sometimes with the edge of the work surface!

I’m not buying this freelance consultancy line. What was her previous work that she experienced enough to be a consultant on? She’s only 5 years out of uni.

I have international clients but they don’t expect me to get up in the middle of the night. I agree with others it might be OF.

26?! She should be sorting everything out and paying it all herself. Not just helping get a quote. Why are you treating her like a young teenager?
You're not helping her grow up, she will never be independent.

I would get costs to replace / repair everything damaged and she 6 months to pay you back (1/6th per month). No negotiation.

What does she earn?

YANBU. I’m 26 and live at home. I’d never dream of having a party at my parent’s house. Let alone this. You can either claim on your house insurance or make her pay for it all.

Wow. I was married, working and had two children at 26. I’m 28 right now. I do not know anyone my age or slightly younger who behaves like this, it’s appalling. You NEED to be really tough on her here unless you’re willing to pay for it all.

You've obviously done this many times 😂

Why does she think these people are her friends? They aren’t or they wouldn’t behave that way. I would get quotes for everything she needs to cover the cost not you. If she isn’t going to do that she needs to move out. I would be asking her to go to therapy she sounds immature and struggles with friendships and priorities.

If she works and contributes little she must have savings, I'd say all of the costs need to be paid by her and I'd be having a serious talk about moving out. That's not acceptable and totally disrespectful. I'm not too much older than her (32) but by 26 I was moved out and having parties in my own home, none of them had any damage like this. Especially if she's not drinking she should've been on top of it. She wasn't, because she doesn't respect you or your home, what other reason is there.

Ah who didn’t act like this at 26? She’s just a youngster. Oh wait, at 26, I lived independently, was saving for a house, had a highly pressured professional job and wouldn’t have dreamed of acting like this. Nor would any of my friends, many of whom were already on the property ladder, had good jobs and some of whom were married and starting families. I would have been beyond disgusted at any of my peers behaving like this at 26, genuinely. She sounds out of control and a total disgrace. I’d want the name of who broke the telly and the worktop and I’d threaten to report them to the police for criminal damage unless the damage was paid for immediately. And she would be out on her ear.

Christ when I was 26 I was married with children and in a professional job, not acting out a storyline from a shit 00s teen flick.

Oh dear me. Its some sort of escort/OF work. Your daughter has really done a number on you 🙄

I've never been at a party where this happens! If I saw someone acting up at a friend's house I'd get them kicked out, she needs to have a think about the friends she invited especially the one who extended the invite.

She should be paying for everything to be repaired, everything. The fact as well she didn't lock your bedroom and there's wine and sick in it, you know someone probably had sex in it and have you checked there's nothing missing before you give her her final bill.

You let her off with this you're doing no-one any favours, you're just helping shape someone who is inconsiderate and completely selfish.

At 26 I was working in a foreign country, renting a flat with my own furniture (IKEA). Visited my parents 4 times a year.

You need to raise your expectations in terms of what your daughter can do and she needs to step up.

This is crazy. You want her to have a social life so you allow her to destroy your property?

Tell her it all needs to be sorted and paid for by a specific deadline or she needs to move. I think she needs to move anyway.

Yeah there’s no way she’s a freelance consultant mate. You’ve been had. Why are you believing her crap? I mean, I would just laugh at that if mine tried to pull that.

n

I agree that this is totally out of order especially at her age; I’d make her pay for all the damage and then ask her to leave home. Take her key off her and don’t tell her when you’re away - she’s not on your side - you must be heartbroken.

OP, she’s 26, there have to be hard, real consequences for her for this.

She needs to move out.

A 26 year old should have a better handling on situations whether there were unexpected guests or not. She sounds very immature and thoughtless. I would definitely stop her socialising in your home - she is plenty old enough to go somewhere else! And she should pay for the damage.