Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

This isn’t meant to sound like I’m looking down on your daughter. But - I’m 26. I have a house, I have organised tradespeople to come and work on it. I take care of the maintenance. She is capable. She’s nearly 30. It sounds like she will never learn unless you kick her out. Years down the line, I would guess she’d say it was the best thing you’ve ever done for her.

The only hesitation I’d have - they were 100% high on something. The amount of absolutely crazy decisions to cause that much damage? So if she’s struggling with substance abuse she’d need help before she goes.

But regardless - she can sort this out and it needs to be to the standard you expect, not the first person she finds. It sounds like you have a beautiful house, the work needs to be good. I’d be absolutely livid if someone opened a beer bottle on my worktop even if it didn’t smash! Let ALONE all the other stuff… I am so sorry - I’d feel like my world had ended if I’d had all of that done to my house. It’s like burglars have come in! ❤️

Insurance doesn't work like that. You should be able to claim for most things other than soft furnishings.

Sorry @MyFairGreenTurtle I am afraid I am in the “this is most likely not true” camp. This is beyond anything in every way:
The level of damage from a 26yo
Just 20 people did this
No attempt to clean up
Improbable job from home at odd hours wotrking with international clients
Your laissez-faire attitude

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Do you do Candlelight Suppers too?

I would go nuclear.

My 25 year old lives st home with us snd is so respectful of our home. I can't even imagine this kind of scenario.

Honestly? She’d be lucky to still be allowed to live there. Damn right she pays for the lot. Right now, even if it means taking out a loan to do it. If she won’t, she gets out immediately.

But that is what we pay insurance premiums for. Sure, it wouldn't be claimable if OP had caused it, but it should be claimable in these circumstances.

Probably echoing everyone else, but why are you keeping her in this state of suspended dependency? She's 26, working full-time, cash to spare, and for some reason she's still living at home and not even nearly paying her way. She's acting like an 18yo because that's how she's living. Charge proper rent or encourage her to move out to a shared house where she can party her socks off. It'd be different if she was super responsible and had almost saved up a house deposit by now, but you're letting her live rent-free in what sounds like a pretty swish house and she completely takes it for granted, as ofc she would, because she's not learnt the value of anything.

Bloody hell OP. Your DD has zero respect for you. She would be out on her ear if my DD behaved like that. And yes, unfortunately you have enabled her by constantly cleaning up after her and not charging her a proper rent. It's time she lived in the real world and then she won't be able to piss all her money up the wall.

I would get her to invite the “friends” who came to the party over to yours today. Make it seem breezy and like you aren’t there.

when they arrive show them the damage to your house and tell them how disrespect you feel. They all caused the damage. I’d be telling them I’m expecting a contribution from them all. And that if anyone knows who specifically damaged the carpet, work top & TV could they say so they can be billed the cost of replacement which if they won’t pay you can inform the police of criminal damage.

My 15 year old son would never let a friend damage our property. And he knows he needs to tidy up after himself and friends. Is there a backstory here because it seems so weird,

Struggling to believe this whole scenario that someone would behave like that at 26 and also ops weird passive resignation.

If true found the hot tub damage particularly upsetting I love mine and am very careful with it.

Dd2 aged 17 had a big party recently. There was some minor damage mainly caused by drunken clumsiness by boys. They did clear up and Dh was able to fix the damage. Nothing compared to what was described here and they are 10 years younger.

She had a post prom all girl big party not one issue. Sorry boy mums but think we’ve worked out who the party house trashers are..

they dragged garden furniture across it, spilled loads of vodka on it and did a "slip and slide" for fun.

she has endless energy for partying and takes very little responsibility for herself

Oh come on!

And you thought that this was just the person to trust?
🙄

She needs to get a quote for everything!!! Op I'm sorry but you need to come down on her like a tonne of bricks, this is unacceptable.

Tell her this level of disrespect has meant she should start planning on moving into her own home in the new year (where the 'friends' are welcome to come and trash) but this situation has meant she can no longer stay in the family home.

I'd have never, ever dreamed of doing this to my parents when I was a teenager never mind a 26 year old! This is awful.

You've trained her well.

Op is she teetotal or was she drunk? You say both of these things and they contradict each other.

🤣🤣🤣

Great. So you want every other person insured with that insurance company to contribute to the clean up for this little party in increased premiums? The woman who caused it should pay. It sounds like the first time in her life she'd be held accountability for her actions.

Shocking. The repairs and clean up should not cost you a penny. At 26 she needs to be sorting and paying for everything to put this right. I probably would have walked out and expected that at least she’d be cleaning up and changing sheets in the first instance. Least she can do. Then I’d be listing all the things that need sorting and telling her she needs to do it all. Helping with quotes isn’t enough, she needs to pay and arrange it all. She can order a replacement tv today.

I’d then be massively upping her rent. You’ve been too soft on her with that. Unless you’ve been charging minimally to allow her to save a house deposit, in which case case how much has she saved? You need to have some serious conversations with her.

Finally, if she’s got her own business, paying a few bills here and there and hasn’t actually been saving to move out, I’d probably kick her out. Time to toughen up.

Suspect this might be a joke because surely no one could be that naive.

Sorry but this is an absolute clusterfuck all round and you’ve got to get a handle on it, for her sake as much as yours.

She’d be given a firm date by me to move out. End of. She’s 26 not 16. And behaving like a stupid, entitled dick with no respect. I think 2 months is reasonable.

You letting her live at home is not only enabling this attitude but also her very dodgy sounding job. Christ only knows what she’s doing but I’d put money on it being illegal.

She would be paying for the damage- every last penny. I’d probably get it done and pay up front myself just because it’s my house, but I would write it down and keep a record of every penny. And make her a contract to sign to say that she owes me the costs and agrees to pay it back within a year- then it’s a legally binging debt. I’d be clear that she’d be getting no Christmas presents at all this year (but I would put the money towards her debt to me) and not until it’s all paid back. If you’ve bought stuff for her, send it back/ sell it.

I’d even stop doing things for her whilst she’s still with you at home- no cooking, cleaning, washing, lifts etc. Obviously no money. If she doesn’t respect you and your home, you are not going to help her out.

But if you do this you have got to stick to it. She sounds like she has no fucking idea of how to behave and you’ve got to bear a bit of responsibility (I think I would have kicked her out after the lawn incident). But you need to sort this out now before she ends up in prison.

What kind of flimsy worktop do you have that opening a beer bottle on it would take a chunk out of it! Scratch and mark it yes, but actually break it, hard to believe.

Not that hard. If a drunk person was trying to smash the bottle cap off on the edge of a stone or wood worktop, it could take a chunk out. I don't know that now is the time to slag off the OP for being remiss in the flimsiness of her worktops really.

Surely if someone is hitting a glass bottle that hard against a worktop the glass would break first? Just my opinion anyway.

This.

She needs to pay for what can't be covered in the insurance and she either pays a proper amount for her rent and expenses (with a plan to move out) or she moves out.

I can't get over the fact she's 26. She sounds like a teenager and you're enabling it. Time for her to grow up.

That's not how people open bottles on counter tops. They use it instead of a bottle opener by banging the top of the bottle hard against the corner of the counter which usually pops the metal top off, but can equally take a chunk of counter with it

Is this a joke? OF COURSE it’s not! Someone living in the property has welcomed a load of drunken idiots in off the street and done fuck all to stop them trashing the place. It doesn’t sound remotely accidental. No way should the insurance company (which basically means everyone else who has a policy and pays premiums) pay for this. I wouldn’t even try to claim.

Unless there is a specific policy for “my daughter is a stupid disrespectful brat and I’ve let her have a party in a house full of valuable stuff” which I doubt…

I also don’t buy the “I was too drunk to stop them” excuse. I’ve been pretty drunk but the minute anything hard core happened I sobered up in an instant. She could definitely have called the police, or asked a (half-sensible) friend to. She was either enjoying it herself or knew you’d let her off with a few waterworks.