Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
Theroadt · 14/12/2025 07:57

Limited sympathy I’m afraid, as she has form and you are enabling it each time. Sorry OP, but she should be paying you rent and being less selfish and entitled and you have helped create and enable that.

notthemayo · 14/12/2025 07:58

She pays for it, no more parties, and now might be the time for her to consider moving out.

PickASize · 14/12/2025 07:58

She's 26..i moved out and rented/got a proper job at 19.
She needs to grow up and you need to stop making excuses for her behaviour, if that was my child they would either be moving out or paying me back for all of the damages. She has clearly been spoilt rotten and you have enabled the behaviour and dependency.

Ophy83 · 14/12/2025 08:00

She needs to take responsibility for cleaning and repairing every last bit of damage. Don't fix it yourselves like you did with the lawn. It won't help her long term, she needs to know that nice things don't just magically appear - your carpets and hot tub and nice kitchen equate to a lot of hard work.

Presumably her friends are all adults? If they are decent friends they would have woken up mortified at what they have done and she should be able to ask them for contributions for repairs as well as assistance cleaning today. If they leave her to shoulder it all that's a life lesson for her in choosing friends.

somanychristmaslights · 14/12/2025 08:04

I’d give her an invoice for every bit of damage. Sounds like you’re letting her get away with it. She’s hoovered and will “help “ get a quote for the worktop?? Doesn’t sound remotely like enough.

SleafordSods · 14/12/2025 08:06

FOJN · 13/12/2025 22:47

Is anyone else thinking the consulting job is OF?

Obviously Grin

OP I think YABU. Not because you’re upset or because you want her to clean up and pay but because you seem to be acting as a bystander in all of this.

I would be fucking livid! YABU too for letting her have her DFriends around after the lawn incident.

She’s entitled and selfish but you have to take some of the responsibility for that. Parenting isn’t just about providing nice things and experiences, you do have to try and make them into functioning adults, which is the bit you seem to have struggled with.

How are things today and what are your plans? Is she going to help or are you and your DH sorting everything for her again?

winewolfhowls · 14/12/2025 08:08

I really want to know what your daughter's actual job is, I think this is your priority to find out.

I'm sure all of us went to parties as a teen but the most the damage would have been would be mess and a sick stain on the carpet and a very unpleasant bathroom needing a really good scrub.

I don't think the level of damage you have experienced is normal for anyone, never mind an adult. I don't think you are quite grasping this level of wtfuckery

pouletvous · 14/12/2025 08:08

This happened to one of my friends when we were teenagers

your daughter is an adult. She needs to pay for the damage

why do you have a tv in your garden?

BreatheAndFocus · 14/12/2025 08:09

26, FFS!!! That’s the behaviour of someone in their early teens! She sounds incredibly immature and indulged. Make her pay for the damage, not just so it can all be fixed, but as a lesson to her.

I tried to quote your post about wanting to make sure she had a social life. Why? She’s 26 not 10. She can go out to pubs and clubs. However, I would be concerned about the total idiots she’s hanging round with. They all need to grow up and she needs to find better friends that set a better example to her.

After all this has been sorted and put right, make her move out. Not as further punishment but because she should have moved out once she got a job, like normal adults do. You’re not helping her at all but treating her like a child.

MadinMarch · 14/12/2025 08:10

Franjipanl8r · 13/12/2025 23:05

She’s going to have to fix and pay for everything and also have to do all the admin work to make sure it’s all sorted. Then she’s going to have to move out.

This!
But first she'd be clearing up the mess and the sick.
I'd be asking to see evidence of her income and helping her sort out an immediate financial loan to pay for every penny of the damage. She needs to get all the quotes for repairing the damage and replacing any broken items.
Then I'd also charge her a realistic rent.
Then I may consider letting her have visitors in the house again, one at a time, and she'd certainly be clearing up after them herself.

Marmalade71 · 14/12/2025 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pouletvous · 14/12/2025 08:11

Tell the over grown spoilt brat to move out and get hwr own place. She sounds like an immature dickhead

Pushmepullu · 14/12/2025 08:13

OP, you are avoiding answering a lot of the questions, but I can understand that you must feel quite foolish when you read back your original post and updates. Your daughter has friends over that never clear up after themselves, instead you do it. This hasn’t happened once or twice but multiple times. You then allow her to have the same group of friends over and they actually causes thousands of pounds worth of damage. The most she will put herself out is she will help to get a quote for the worktop. And you ask AIBU? Bet you will be giving her an expensive Christmas present, maybe replace it with a new carpet.

FalseSpring · 14/12/2025 08:15

She needs to move out as soon as possible. This needs to be one of the consequences of her actions along with paying for the damage. She sounds like a spoilt brat.

HonoraBridge · 14/12/2025 08:15

Wow! She is 26 years old? This would be bad if she were a teenager but, at 26, this is absolutely shocking.

Parker231 · 14/12/2025 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Needlenardlenoo · 14/12/2025 08:17

You need a plan for her to live elsewhere and you cannot ever leave the house with just her in it for the night because you can't trust her - sorry.

She has obviously got a reputation among her friends and you demonstrated 5 years ago with the lawn thing that you wouldn't take her damaging the place seriously.

Lamelie · 14/12/2025 08:20

This is 100% her fault and repairs should be on her.
Remember that, don’t get embroiled in paying some or sourcing replacements.
Remember. It’s on her!
Angry

Fluffytoebeanz · 14/12/2025 08:21

If she's not paying rent she should have savings so she needs to pay for a professional cleaner, a new hot tub, and a new work top at least.

Then you need to give her notice to move out in the new year so she can give you guys space and gain some responsibility and independence. I don't think you charging her rent will give her those things, I think it will make her more entitled.

If she can't afford to do so then she needs to work more or get a stable job

ShawnaMacallister · 14/12/2025 08:22

Why is she still living with you? She's on her way to 30 with a decent job. Time for her to launch. She has no respect for you and you're enabling her perpetual teenagerhood.

Dmsandfloatydress · 14/12/2025 08:24

26!!!!! 26???? At 16 I would have murdered her doing this much damage . At 26 if she wanted a house party she needed to buy herself her own bloody house to have it in!! At 26 I had my own property . Many of my friends were married! This is madness.
She immediately organises and pays for all the repairs. Once this is done she moves out in January. I cannot understand how a 26 year old thinks it's normal to have a house party in HER PARENTS HOUSE!! Who are the wasters who would attend such a party and then wreck the home? Is she a drug addicts or something?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/12/2025 08:24

She should pay for the damage. She's too old to be so immature, my 16 year old wouldn't allow this happening in her home.
I would request at least £100 per month for a few years from the selfish woman-child.

cooksbrandedclock · 14/12/2025 08:25

You have enabled her to show you and your property, complete and utter disrespect - and you have allowed it for years! This is harsh, but you have the daughter you deserve and you have done her no favours to become a mature and respectful human being. Her tears and justification, and excuses do not cut it. At 26 and working, she should absolutely pay every last penny to replace and repair the damage. It is your home, not her party house! I would be pointing out suitable alternative accommodation for her to move into, to live the way she wants according to her own means, once it has all been sorted.

ThisMellowCat · 14/12/2025 08:25

I’m sorry but you’ve enabled her attitude. As much as we like to think we are being nice, we’re being a doormat and that’s how she’s treated you.
personally I’d now give her notice to find her own place. Stop friends coming over and get her out. She has zero respect for you or your possessions and it won’t get any better. You’re just a cash cow now with an endless supply to fix her stupidity. Sorry, It won’t stop until she moves out. Every time you go away you’ll be on pins wondering what she’s doing.

FreeTheOakTree · 14/12/2025 08:26

She does not give a shit about you OP.

I am aghast that she would do this to anyone, let alone her parents.

I would actually take her key and tell her to leave. She seems to have many 'friends', so let her go and live with one of them.

Given that she has done this before, albeit in your garden, you have shown her the zero sum of any consequences. I wouldn't be able to look at her, she would be out!